In the past and back

From all the places I could write on today, this was the last one I thought I would. But here I am, rambling again. Today it is my one year wedding anniversary and all I can think of is how I have only truly loved Leo in my life.

Travelling back to the past, back there when I was 12 years-old only… I’ve met him, and it should’ve been like Blake, I should’ve dodged him for Bill, who was born on October 23 just like Reynolds. There was such a fleeing thing, there was the idea of making movies with Macaulay Culkin and Steven Spielberg. I was not able to escape LA airport as I’ve engineered, during my flight to Japan, in 1997. Such a believer I was!

By that time, “Romeo + Juliet” was still a big deal in Japan, and I fell back in love with Leo again. I had no choice. I should have studied in a Japanese school, lived that time in full, made new friends. Instead, I was trapped in my dream world and I really believed once that I could write scripts and get myself a manager in LA and a big studio and big money so I could live in Hollywood – I was only sixteen!

Then came “Titanic” and Leo was so adorable… but then came the “after-Titanic”, and for some time I’ve given up on him, Gisele just seemed perfect – and a Brazilian! What are the chances? I’ve worked, I got a boyfriend, who was Scorpio, and just fine, but I didn’t reeeaaally loved him. I came back to Brazil with a renewed dream, to take film school as graduation as “Central do Brasil” just made it, even into Japan, so there was a more real possibility for me than I ever thought there could be. Study in Brazil and then later in the future work in the industry.

However… I didn’t make it to those university courses. Come to think now, I should’ve taken those theater classes by 2003, and went on to try a dubbing career, something I would probably enjoy until this day. And when the second boyfriend came, we shared this passion for movies, we were young and we wanted to travel, to conquer the world. Nonetheless, despite suffering so hard and so long for this one, I can see I didn’t truly love him.

Leo is the only true love of my life. Even now, that I am married? Perhaps it’s shameful to admit it, but yes. Maybe because Leo represents this ideal of a lifetime, a life with movies, doing something I once believed I loved more than anything. And maybe there’s something else, because I don’t really care for the other big names of Hollywood. I mean, I once thought Elijah Wood was cute and I wanted to be good friends with Keanu Reeves. But not like this history with Leo (there are so many small touches post-Titanic and through the other movies). And I could never have guessed that this feeling would last for such a long time.

The old romantic-comedy belief that after all there are soulmates and everything will work out in the end. I still have it. And I’ve been thinking so much about him lately, maybe because it has always been my escape valve, from my current real world terms. This feeling have been increasing since the past few years, that I should’ve made other choices. Even the marriage thing. But we can’t go to the past, fix some points of our life and then come back to the future (is that why everyone loves the movie so much?).

For the past few days I went on this trip to Natal (Rio Grande do Norte, Brazil). And I am back. I’ve tried to deal with some unfinished business before the trip, so it would mark a time to start new things. Here I am, back to me trying to reinvent myself once more. This is the life I have now, what can I do from now on? I’ve made some mistakes, I’ve learned some things, I’ve regretted many others. But what is the life I want from now?

From my history with Leo I can tell that I can always refresh the story or create a new one. How we would meet, how we would end up being together and how we would together inspire the world even more.

So maybe I need this change in my life, I know my current job in essence is the same ideal, for the benefit of the world, but perhaps I just don’t belong to these strings and I can do good things too by other means.

Besides the paths we’ve already taken, we can refresh. We can rewrite some or write new stories.

Together with my current partner (who is not the ideal, no blue eyes nor blond hair, no Italian descendancy, not involved in movies at all) I can also try to do some good.

Or is it too far away from reality and I should conform myself to what I have? I know that gratitude is the most important, to be grateful for what you have and what you can do. Is it too bad to think that we can do more? To believe in something nicer? Am I dreaming too much again?

Recently I received a spiritual indication that made me reflect about not focusing on myself, or what I want, but what would make others happy. This is the basics for everything really in the buddhist teaching I follow. And I thought about my family and friends, and I was wondering… that they also want to see me happy. This would make them happy too. For many years I have given up my dreams and for some time I have really tried to conform myself, which has been making me miserable, and that’s something I guess the others around me don’t want to see either.

What if everything falls apart? If I fail and I’ll become miserable again, and regret it? Well, as I said, I had many regrets. But this is living, isn’t it?

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The year of the dog

It’s the end of a Carnival holiday here in Brazil. While most people had a 5 day off to party out, I actually had 3 days off – which is actually good, considering I’ve been feeling I can’t rest much, since months ago. Well, this is a problem, actually. I take days off, but I don’t feel rested, do you know? I don’t feel relief.

Instead, I get anxious about all the workload I will have when I come back, and that horrible feeling of not wanting to go to bed so I won’t have to wake up to another day and have to go back to work.

These past weeks I have been thinking about my past, this February we had a traditional celebration to toss “beans” as a symbol of bringing in good fortune for the year, and those who threw the beans were of the year of the Dog, according to the Chinese zodiac. Well, I am of the year of the Dog, and so it happens that from 12 to 12 years, it’s “my year”. So I was thinking back. Like, when I was 12 years old, how was it? My life, I mean. And at 24? I’ll be 36 this year and it should be a good year, if I am to compare.

At 12 years-old, I fell in love for the first time. Also, it was the year I changed schools, I “met” Leo for the first time. What else? I don’t know why, but I have the heart-memory that it was a good year. Then, in 2006, I started out in Disney World (I was working there at the time), the fireworks were beautiful. I got a new boyfriend, and I really thought he was the one. I thought I would have to go to Japan, but fortunately I got a new job, in a field I was expecting to find work (translation, at the time). I went to Japan. It was a nice year.

Now… Ellen DeGeneres is 60, oh my. I once believed I was going to make movies with Spielberg, but he’s old too. And so am I.

Oh, yes, I’ve read about your new model and the DaVinci movie. That’s nice. The DaVinci movie, I mean.

Last week I made a small trip and I had one of those L&D moments. I also watched a movie, Hungarian contender this year for the Academy Awards, called “On body and soul”. I once had a thought for a movie that it was like that: two strangers having the same dream. Of course, my story would play out differently than it was this one. But I guess, in that hotel room, that morning, I just remembered I would still like to do a movie about this.

This year I’ll be 36 and not at all where I dreamed I would be at. I would be having kids by now. I would have won Oscars by now. So at which point of my past would I return and change it all? This morning I was wondering.

However, I can’t change the past, and this is the life I have now.

At 12, I was at a new school, I found an important love for my life. At 24, I was at a new job, I found an important love for my life. This is the year of the dog. It should bring changes, it should be good for my love life. Well? How is it going to be? I guess it depends on me. It depended on me to live love. To go and not be afraid of the challenges, get some things new into my life. Let’s see.