And how do you know it would work?

So I was thinking like that. I was thinking about how I am absolutely unapt to be married. How I’m making my husband miserable, by different reasons. One, I was supposed to be a stronghold as far as the spiritual path we are both on is concerned, but I now start to collapse, so where did that supportive companion of the spiritual journey go? Two, I have this disease, diabetes, and I was supposed to get my act together, be healthy and take care of myself, but then hits the uncertainty of everything and my non-willingness of doing anything. And so I am not able to provide for babies either at this time. As depression pushes me to rock bottom, I don’t really feel like having a  sexual life – which seems so unimportant to me at this moment, comparing to all the unseeable future ahead. I cannot decide what I want out of this life anymore, and so I guess we have three.

It was then that it hit me the question: what makes you think that it would work with Leo? Why in my distant dreams we would actually be a good couple, one of those Hollywood legends whose marriage lasts for 20 or more years, perhaps the whole life? What makes me believe that with him this scenario would work? Marriage and kids? Because I love him truly, is that it? That’s just it?

Because, honestly, I never thought like “oh, he’s rich. He’s famous, he’s powerful, he can get me anywhere I would like to go to in Holywood”. No, not really. In my imaginations I would be a simple hard-working girl still, with a minor job in the industry (that’s a lie, when I was about 16 I thought I would be a movie director, but all to my own credits, over my own good talent and sweat).

Never, really, never I thought I would make a name of myself because of him. I would have some brilliant ideas and efforts, and he would love me for that too, but it’s not like he would want me to be someone who I am not. As much as I would love him just the way he is, without one trying to change the other. Maybe that’s why in my mind we would work out together. Because we would be able to be truly ourselves around each other. Even with all our failures and weaknesses. Even if things changed and something didn’t work as we expected or we’d like it to have. We would love the true nature on one another, with mutual respect and care.

The type of lovers who could be side by side in silence for some time and it would be ok. We wouldn’t need to be anything else to each other, we would not expect each other to be something else.

And since I would love him so much, I would like to have his baby, and I would like to see us growing this new life together.

I guess I don’t really love my current partner purely like that. And then I think it would be better for him if we’d just split up. He would be free to find someone who would love him truly. For my part, I don’t think I would be out there, I would just conform myself with my only lonely self, and it’s ok, really, I guess some people are not really made for marriages – except if it was with that old soulmate of mine for whom I’ve been longing for my whole practical life, and it’s practically impossible to reach in this lifetime…

Just today I was watching this movie (“My George”) on TV, and the main character is a writer who just finally happens to get her first book published. It was one book that would change her life, and if I could choose to quit my job to write just one piece in this life, but it would be the piece that would bring him to me, my true love, oh boy, yeah I would throw everything away and write it.

How would that script be like?

In the past and back

From all the places I could write on today, this was the last one I thought I would. But here I am, rambling again. Today it is my one year wedding anniversary and all I can think of is how I have only truly loved Leo in my life.

Travelling back to the past, back there when I was 12 years-old only… I’ve met him, and it should’ve been like Blake, I should’ve dodged him for Bill, who was born on October 23 just like Reynolds. There was such a fleeing thing, there was the idea of making movies with Macaulay Culkin and Steven Spielberg. I was not able to escape LA airport as I’ve engineered, during my flight to Japan, in 1997. Such a believer I was!

By that time, “Romeo + Juliet” was still a big deal in Japan, and I fell back in love with Leo again. I had no choice. I should have studied in a Japanese school, lived that time in full, made new friends. Instead, I was trapped in my dream world and I really believed once that I could write scripts and get myself a manager in LA and a big studio and big money so I could live in Hollywood – I was only sixteen!

Then came “Titanic” and Leo was so adorable… but then came the “after-Titanic”, and for some time I’ve given up on him, Gisele just seemed perfect – and a Brazilian! What are the chances? I’ve worked, I got a boyfriend, who was Scorpio, and just fine, but I didn’t reeeaaally loved him. I came back to Brazil with a renewed dream, to take film school as graduation as “Central do Brasil” just made it, even into Japan, so there was a more real possibility for me than I ever thought there could be. Study in Brazil and then later in the future work in the industry.

However… I didn’t make it to those university courses. Come to think now, I should’ve taken those theater classes by 2003, and went on to try a dubbing career, something I would probably enjoy until this day. And when the second boyfriend came, we shared this passion for movies, we were young and we wanted to travel, to conquer the world. Nonetheless, despite suffering so hard and so long for this one, I can see I didn’t truly love him.

Leo is the only true love of my life. Even now, that I am married? Perhaps it’s shameful to admit it, but yes. Maybe because Leo represents this ideal of a lifetime, a life with movies, doing something I once believed I loved more than anything. And maybe there’s something else, because I don’t really care for the other big names of Hollywood. I mean, I once thought Elijah Wood was cute and I wanted to be good friends with Keanu Reeves. But not like this history with Leo (there are so many small touches post-Titanic and through the other movies). And I could never have guessed that this feeling would last for such a long time.

The old romantic-comedy belief that after all there are soulmates and everything will work out in the end. I still have it. And I’ve been thinking so much about him lately, maybe because it has always been my escape valve, from my current real world terms. This feeling have been increasing since the past few years, that I should’ve made other choices. Even the marriage thing. But we can’t go to the past, fix some points of our life and then come back to the future (is that why everyone loves the movie so much?).

For the past few days I went on this trip to Natal (Rio Grande do Norte, Brazil). And I am back. I’ve tried to deal with some unfinished business before the trip, so it would mark a time to start new things. Here I am, back to me trying to reinvent myself once more. This is the life I have now, what can I do from now on? I’ve made some mistakes, I’ve learned some things, I’ve regretted many others. But what is the life I want from now?

From my history with Leo I can tell that I can always refresh the story or create a new one. How we would meet, how we would end up being together and how we would together inspire the world even more.

So maybe I need this change in my life, I know my current job in essence is the same ideal, for the benefit of the world, but perhaps I just don’t belong to these strings and I can do good things too by other means.

Besides the paths we’ve already taken, we can refresh. We can rewrite some or write new stories.

Together with my current partner (who is not the ideal, no blue eyes nor blond hair, no Italian descendancy, not involved in movies at all) I can also try to do some good.

Or is it too far away from reality and I should conform myself to what I have? I know that gratitude is the most important, to be grateful for what you have and what you can do. Is it too bad to think that we can do more? To believe in something nicer? Am I dreaming too much again?

Recently I received a spiritual indication that made me reflect about not focusing on myself, or what I want, but what would make others happy. This is the basics for everything really in the buddhist teaching I follow. And I thought about my family and friends, and I was wondering… that they also want to see me happy. This would make them happy too. For many years I have given up my dreams and for some time I have really tried to conform myself, which has been making me miserable, and that’s something I guess the others around me don’t want to see either.

What if everything falls apart? If I fail and I’ll become miserable again, and regret it? Well, as I said, I had many regrets. But this is living, isn’t it?