So I was thinking like that. I was thinking about how I am absolutely unapt to be married. How I’m making my husband miserable, by different reasons. One, I was supposed to be a stronghold as far as the spiritual path we are both on is concerned, but I now start to collapse, so where did that supportive companion of the spiritual journey go? Two, I have this disease, diabetes, and I was supposed to get my act together, be healthy and take care of myself, but then hits the uncertainty of everything and my non-willingness of doing anything. And so I am not able to provide for babies either at this time. As depression pushes me to rock bottom, I don’t really feel like having a sexual life – which seems so unimportant to me at this moment, comparing to all the unseeable future ahead. I cannot decide what I want out of this life anymore, and so I guess we have three.
It was then that it hit me the question: what makes you think that it would work with Leo? Why in my distant dreams we would actually be a good couple, one of those Hollywood legends whose marriage lasts for 20 or more years, perhaps the whole life? What makes me believe that with him this scenario would work? Marriage and kids? Because I love him truly, is that it? That’s just it?
Because, honestly, I never thought like “oh, he’s rich. He’s famous, he’s powerful, he can get me anywhere I would like to go to in Holywood”. No, not really. In my imaginations I would be a simple hard-working girl still, with a minor job in the industry (that’s a lie, when I was about 16 I thought I would be a movie director, but all to my own credits, over my own good talent and sweat).
Never, really, never I thought I would make a name of myself because of him. I would have some brilliant ideas and efforts, and he would love me for that too, but it’s not like he would want me to be someone who I am not. As much as I would love him just the way he is, without one trying to change the other. Maybe that’s why in my mind we would work out together. Because we would be able to be truly ourselves around each other. Even with all our failures and weaknesses. Even if things changed and something didn’t work as we expected or we’d like it to have. We would love the true nature on one another, with mutual respect and care.
The type of lovers who could be side by side in silence for some time and it would be ok. We wouldn’t need to be anything else to each other, we would not expect each other to be something else.
And since I would love him so much, I would like to have his baby, and I would like to see us growing this new life together.
I guess I don’t really love my current partner purely like that. And then I think it would be better for him if we’d just split up. He would be free to find someone who would love him truly. For my part, I don’t think I would be out there, I would just conform myself with my only lonely self, and it’s ok, really, I guess some people are not really made for marriages – except if it was with that old soulmate of mine for whom I’ve been longing for my whole practical life, and it’s practically impossible to reach in this lifetime…
Just today I was watching this movie (“My George”) on TV, and the main character is a writer who just finally happens to get her first book published. It was one book that would change her life, and if I could choose to quit my job to write just one piece in this life, but it would be the piece that would bring him to me, my true love, oh boy, yeah I would throw everything away and write it.
How would that script be like?