4 am and still lost

It’s been a while since I have been waking up at 4 am or something. I end up falling asleep by 9 or 10 pm and I have the feeling I’ve been more tired lately too. I don’t know, things are not as they used to be anymore. Perhaps it’s a mid-life crisis, I’m over 30 and this year I decided to stop doing that second college course, film school to be more exactly, the pursue of a life-time, a dream to be realized, to be even more exactly.

That’s right. There was a time in my life I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to make movies. Not as an actress, as most kids do, but write, edit, direct. I wish I could create great stories that would excite and inspire others.

Today I have a nice job. Not the dream job, but I know that there will always be a part of your work you don’t like and you just have to bear with, endure, hang in there. I actually enjoy doing translation, which is only part of what I do, there is always something new and different to do and hardly any time to be bored. In a way, it’s a job that have some meaning, that contributes in some way to the world. However… I keep wanting to quit. At this point, I don’t even know if I could do anything else, what am I going to do if I quit? I should just be thankful, as it is not that bad and allows me to pay the bills.

In fact, this was supposed to be the best time of my life, I’m on the top. A nice job, a nice boyfriend who respects me and cares about me, my family is more stable, I’m healthy enough. So what’s wrong with me? Do you ever ask yourself that? I have everything I could possibly ask for, and yet is the human being always this being that can’t just be content? There will always be a feeling that “something is missing”? Do we really live in Matrix?

Well, I guess even celebrities must be like that. They have everything that mankind may possibly want, yet they must go through some moments when things doesn’t make that much sense. What if my utmost dream came true and I actually got married to Leo? Would I do nothing (as of work) and be happy? I don’t think so. I surely would quit my job, but then I’d probably seek ways to help out the world somehow. Maybe get involved in social initiatives or concerning the environment.

That would be nice. But how about myself now? I’m just back from a trip to Japan, where I had another buddhist training. Things were supposed to be so clear… I mean, I work in a buddhist temple. And I will never quit this teaching, but I’m still not sure if this work is quite for me. Maybe I just didn’t get used to not pursuing that filmmaking dream anymore, maybe this is a question that will always be thereupon.

And my love life? Oh, boy, I’m so lost. I thought this person was a person “chosen by the buddhas” for me. Someone who could walk along the path with me, someone who likes me, supports me, respects me. I’ve been single for a looong time before him and finally it seemed to fit right, but then spiritual indications pointed out another direction, it was a completely bad outcome indicated, breaking my legs, totally unexpected by me.

Again, what should I do? Split up and then what? I know I just can’t find such a nice person easily out there, and I hardly have any chances of meeting up with new people. So it would be like chosing to be alone, really. Well, for a long time that didn’t scare me at all. I believed I could live all by myself just fine. Then, this person came up and I had a new hope, that maybe I didn’t need to be alone after all. I don’t really have friends that I can do things together with, I used to have a bunch, but my line of work and time just drove us apart. Also, people marry, build a new life… I thought this was that time for me, marry and build up a new life with a partner. Should I choose to be unhappy with someone, or to be unhappy alone?

Oh Leo, I wish life would be easy as my 12-years-old dreams, when I would get an Academy Award by 18, marry you by 28, have kids by 36 and die by 54. But this is my real life and I’m still lost. How did that really worked, what the Oracle told Neo?