I’m starting now to read some of your news headlines every month – will this last? I loved that you went and had a meal with this girl who won a raffle only to support this initiative in Edingburgh that help the homeless. This was the highlight for me.

Come to think again about “Before the flood” (60 mil watched and I didn’t?!), I was a little taken aback realizing to myself that it was actually the scenario I had once envisioned for us – only I was not there. We would travel around the world to make a series (here is a documentary, but it would be similar) about the environment and show different initiatives to help this crazy, broken world. It would start out with the environment, and then maybe go to the social contribution and philanthropic activities sphere. Anything for the good of humankind. And who knows? Maybe it will go this way. I’m just sad that I’m not living all this, I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to be there along with you walking long distances, going to dirty places, flying over incredible landscapes, living all these moments in a full.

And it would be so great. The two of us together, later I would work on editing this material, and we would be perfect soulmates – do you know? Those types of couples that complement each other and that together makes more sense to the world? Only… I can’t be there, I’m not blonde.

Oh, sure, you had spent birthday at Brando’s island, there’s this new girl Nina now, Tom Hardy will have to get a tattoo for you, and Trump! Man, you were fast in that, already met him?

Right now I’m in Belém do Pará, up north state in Brazil. During this trip, I am under the attempt to encourage me to become full-time staff – to a job I’ve been wanting to quit the whole year! In fact, for a long time. I really don’t have a back up plan, I do not know what to do with my life after I quit, I just feel in my heart that this is it for me, I need to move on. I feel like chains and shackles bind me, like that scene in Melancholia, something that is keeping me and I’m crawling with difficulty.

This lady who was trying to convince me to dedicate fully to my work told me I shouldn’t rely only on my future spouse (as if!) and that I should have something essential to me, be independent, and in my heart all I could think was that there is something else that makes me happy, not this… And that’s exactly the problem, I know I should feel joy doing what I do, but I don’t.

Not that I believe I can only do what I love. Maybe I’ll just get a simple job, anywhere. And that’s ok. Maybe I’ll marry this guy because it’s all I have now. And it won’t be so terrible. Maybe my dreams were only supposed to be dreams really. Something to make me happy at least in this fleeting second I can imagine them.


The intergalactic musical

Another post to our series of “ideas for movies that I will never make, but maybe someone will someday”.

So a few weeks ago I remember I’ve read somewhere that Leo was visiting a space center with his girlfriend (or something like that) and this year, at my birthday, I’ve watched Hubble 3D Imax, which was on Netflix and it is narrated by Leo (every year on my birthday I try to watch a Leo movie). Then I was also checking out again an old notebook I have that I turned into a life-long diary, at a time I was reminded of my 20s, when I wanted to do so much of my life! I wanted to develop different skills and to have different career experiences, to travel around the world and make the most wonderful, many different motion pictures…

This is all to say that one of the ideas I once had was about a space musical. I mean, we do have sci-fi and some other strange things going on space, but how about a musical? Somehow Fantasia (1940) **** comes to mind, right? Nebula, different planets and stars… And do you guys remember that beautiful scene of Wall-e (2008)**** when Eve and Wall-e are dancing on the void, with a fire extinguisher? That’s just beauty.

I’m not sure exactly of the plot (sure I could think about it if stopped for a moment and gave it some thought), it could involve different alien species or spacecrafts, or only astronauts in exploration, or some grand metaphysical (Malick kind of stuff) theme… whatever. I know that musicals seemed like great fun when well done and a delight to the eyes, so I think it would be really nice.


Am I allowed to love like that?

Am I allowed to love you?

To love you like that, love you beyond myself?

Love beyond the reality of my world and the physicality of this existence. Beyond time and space. Beyond what makes sense, beyond the human form.

For this is the love I have, and sometimes I feel guilty. Should I love you at all? Shouldn’t I be worried about a job, about getting old, about building a life with someone real, about real friends I don’t have, real dreams I have lost, real things I’d never wanted to have and never will?

I’m sorry, cause maybe I am not allowed. But this is the love I have.



Didn’t yesterday

L, Darling,

I wish I could have watched a movie yesterday. And written you. I remember there was a time when I thought about writing you a letter at least once a year, maybe on your birthday. Now I have this here and I can write everyday! Who reads letters these days anyway? Oh but there something so romantic about letters… If only I knew they would really reach you, I would write. But since it’s all the same, I’m just writing to this void out there, to this hope, to the memory of a feeling I created for and by myself… I’ll just write here.

Unfortunately, I didn’t watch one of your movies. I flew to the capital of Brazil, had a pretty busy day and by almost eleven when I got back to the hotel, I just fell asleep. Surely, thinking of you, since it was your day. Staying at hotels all by myself also always makes me think of you. 

I love to imagine how it would be to share a room with you, because in that old story of us we would be travelling all over the world for the series and at a certain point we would already be so acquainted that we could share a hotel room, staying up late talking about whatever until falling asleep. 

Well, I’m pretty sure you had a blast celebrating yet another year of life. I’m in an airplane returning to São Paulo right now, just wishing I could actually give you a hug. I’ll have to work tomorrow and then I have a few days off, maybe I’ll try a “marathon” of watching Game of Thrones through the night, maybe I’ll just try to get some rest.

But as always, I just wanted to say I love you. Despite it all (the universe, the impossibilities, everything). Above it all, through it all. And I miss you, so much, I miss this life I will never live, I miss all this that never happened, this life that have never been.

Nov 8, 2016

Dear L,

I cannot believe it! I’ve missed the days when “Before the flood” was open on different channels for anyone to watch it… Here in Brazil Nov 2nd is a day for the dead, people go visit the gravesites of their dear ones and as usual I had also pretty busy days. I also only read news of you once a month on IMDB, so there you go, I’ve missed it.

Also, I can’t believe it that Tobey is separating from Jen, my Gosh… to me Tobey was always such a nice family guy, he’s Cancer, and they have these cute kids, it’s a bummer. Meyer seems such a nice person, she has her own jewelry brand and all. Now what? Relationships are hard, but I really think when two people love each other they can make it work out. In fact, I know that celebrities marriages hardly ever last, but this year specifically I’ve heard so many news of break ups… it’s just sad. And I’m not talking only about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (deep in my heart I always thought it was a mistake him leaving Jen for this sexy lady, or whatever). But many couples, including one couple of journalists here in Brazil who used to present the most popular night news on open TV, for us they were legend, they had been together for 20 or more years, had triplets… oh well.

For some reason, I’ve always imagined that from all the members of your entourage I would be best friends with Tobey, so I guess in my imaginary world I would be talking more with Tobey than you for these past weeks even. Then went by Halloween and that crazy party by Hudson, and actually I’ve been enjoying myself in a better mood with better weather down here.

Last week there was a day off when it was really a pleasant day and I was actually imagining how it would be a regular day in “my life with LD”, by the time I would live in the pool house and would help out with the editing of that series about the environment and social initiatives around the globe. It felt nice.

The day would start with a sip of coffee and eggs with bacon, plus one orange – basically the breakfast I try to have often in my real life too. Then I would read the news online, reply to some emails. For snacks, I’d have some mixed nuts. I would do some stretching and sunbathe, swim a little and have a shower. Then I would have salad (or lots of vegetables) and fish for lunch. After, I would get some video editing done, would get some writing done (as for a new script), then I’d have some yogurt and I could go out for a walk. I could listen to music, play some ukulele. For dinner, probably I would have avocado in order to keep a good diet for my diabetes or I could even cook some pasta. I would have lemonade, watch a movie or an episode of a series.

Oh boy, that would be a perfect regular day.

Sure, everyday something new happens, from time to time a new event here and there. One has house duties, go to the supermarket, buy gifts and there are social gatherings to attend, there is also the spiritual side and all. It’s just nice to imagine if there was a “regular” day for some time, how would it be like for me.

I told my boss, by the way, that I don’t want to continue working at the temple anymore. I don’t know what will happen and I have no plans for another line of work or anything. I know I’ll never have that perfect regular day above… but aren’t we all human beings always in need to do something else, to renew ourselves, to readjust our gears and directions, reimagine possibilities?



Life is just plain?

Dear L,

it’s cloudy today and it was my day off. My day off on a Sunday. I hardly ever can get a day off on a Sunday, and maybe it’s the weather, but it saddened me that I didn’t do anything useful today. However, I mean, what is really a useful day?

I’ve had sex. I cooked soup. I’ve watched a movie. And I started wondering if a bunch of other people in L.A. (or any other place of the world, for that matter) also have a bunch of days like this, when you just do nothing and you kind of feel that you’ve wasted time, that you should be doing something important? Well, sure, everybody needs some time off once in a while. Not everyday can be a great day, a day you thought you contributed to the world or things of the like.

Then I wondered what could make me feel less “empty” (is that one of those times people want to get pregnant and have babies? or take a stupid decision in their lives, for the wrong reasons?). Perhaps I should really try to study over the week, learn an instrument (write songs would really make me feel good, I guess), try to go back to that stupid idea of writing a script. Not because I need it, I mean, not because I need money, or recognition or anything, just for the feeling of writing, just because it would be something I’d enjoy. How about it? I’ve spent lots of days off this year only watching a series or movies, and by the end of the day I still was not happy nor motivated. I know I have to deal with my everyday life, of a job I no longer enjoy or even like (only to think that tomorrow I have to be up in the morning and go to work already makes me sad), and the rest is just plain. There is my family and I feel I don’t have many friends (in fact, at this point of my life I find myself feeling I have no friends at all). There is my boyfriend. And it’s ok.

Should it be just like that? Now I’m thinking. Maybe I’m wanting too much for wanting something extra, something special, something I don’t even know. But maybe life is just like this, and I should just be glad and stop wanting to quit my job or having doubts about this guy being really the right one for me. Maybe I should just accept it, there is nothing more, there is nothing else. Life is just this really.

I know I’m 34 and it’s time to settle down. Stop these crazy dreams of traveling around the world, just work and deal with it because any work will be hard. Can I? I’ve never been like that. I’ve always went for what I wanted. But what is it really that I want now? I could actually be working only to save money to buy a house. But I can’t do this in this line of work I’m on now, and I don’t want to continue in this current work anymore. Well, at least I know what I do not want, right?


Radio dreams

(2016) **

The Tiger award for the Rotterdam International Film Festival, I was actually misled by its synopsis. I believed that it was a movie about rock, as the story is about a radio located in San Francisco trying to have a meeting between Metallica and the first Afghanistan rock band, Kabul Dreams. Well, it’s so much so.

It’s more about the struggle of this writer who kind of directs the radio shows and, to me, basically about frustrations. The guy seems to have a special interest in art, poetry, and to always feel uncomprehended by people around. There’s this really involving scene of a lady who works for the radio telling a story of a city narrowed by water and she is emotional – only to be cut by the annoying tones of the jingle for commercial ads.

Although it’s funny to watch his disbelief knowing that Miss Iran USA talent is actually poetry, or to see a young man who was supposed to sing a Russian song being lured to wrestling by the radio’s owner, I just missed more of rock. Perhaps it’s really the feeling that they wanted us the public to have, after all. We follow the growing expectation at the radio station and by the Afghan rock band, only to have a brief moment of hearing their music (however funny was the little drummer boy’s energy), followed by an excited Lars Ulrich. How had that encounter been, really? The writer with crazy hair of a opera conductor misses it, and we too. We miss some great moments to the banality of reality, like a suicide on to jump by a famous bridge is so banal that only deserves to hear a pop soda can being open.

But one great moment to my opinion is the song played simply, on acoustic guitar, by the character or Reza. Maybe the true unmissable moments lie in simplicity, maybe of someone around us, maybe we should really value more these small moments instead of waiting for a big one? Just maybe.