“I know I will love you my whole life”

Yesterday night I was listening to some playlists, including one for marriage. And It was late ar night, the last song playing was the Brazilian “Eu sei que vou te amar”.

I uses to listen to this song when I was living in Japan, so much younger than today, and I’ve elected this por song. When I imagined the story of us, this was the song. 

In the lyrics it says “I know I will love you for all my life”; “waiting to live by your side for all my life”; “missing you and each time you return will compensate the time I’ve missed you”… 

I’m about to get married. In less than a month. And he is a really nice guy, we can be good together. But I know in my heart you were my soulmate, my true love, only this life made it impossible for us. And this song feels so true now, as it was 20 years ago. 

However, I wish for the best. For the both of us. 

Love you, Darling. Always.

So, I’m getting married

So there was the Academy Awards and that shocking, chaotic ending. So, I’ve cried watching Logan, the live action version of Beauty and the Beast wasn’t so bad, but I still prefer the animation (of course! I ALWAYS prefer the original).

And what else? Oh, yes. I’m going to get married. Yes, time goes by and what am I supposed to do? Waiting forever for a dream come true? I will always love you, Leo. It’s inevitable, it’s been like this since I was 12. But let’s face reality, you just got too rich and famous, I just didn’t get to cinema, and this is just not the life for us.

When I was younger, on my teens, I had imagined a big wedding for us. A big party, famous people, both of our families and friends would travel with us to a certain destination and it would be so much fun.

But today, I actually rethink the idea. I guess I would like something more intimate, just the closest family and friends. I wouldn’t wear a huge dress or anything, just a simple and sweet one. We could get married in this Château in France and then have a honeymoon under the aurora borealis.

Although, well, that George Clooney wedding with Amal sounded great too, elegant and classy. And George took his time to settle, who knows, maybe you will marry someone better than we expect.

My wedding in real life will be small and divided into three parts, because he has family and friends in another state, and the religious service will take place in New York. I intend to do myself the invitations, decoration, looking for cheaper solutions (on wedding dress, catering and all), I intend to have fun by hiring a karaoke thing… I, from all people, who thought would never (really) get married.

Here I am. And I don’t have cold feet, perhaps I’m too old for this. I like my future husband, I think he’s a good man for me. I just know that I once had other dreams…

But I can’t wait forever, can I?

What if this is as good as it gets?

La la land

I’ve watched this movie and you know, I got more sad about it than I thought I would be (well, actually I didn’t expected to be sad, on the opposite, I thought I would be happy). 

The character of Emma Stone just reminded of myself when I was younger and had this dream of Hollywood. And then there is this moment when Ryan Gosling’s character says that we change and eventually we have to grow up. Mia ends up making the dream come true, but there is that musical sequence by the end that replays the whole story of the couple, this time as he wanted it to have played – and probably she did too – but reality was something else.

Right before her big break, Mia returns home in doubt, like “I guess this is not for me really, I have to find something else to do with my life”. She wonders that maybe she os justos one of these people who never make it. 

Well, I’m one of these people. I’ve never made it. I’ve never wrote a real script, I’ve never made a movie. And of course we all have that moment you wish you’d play your life differently, but reality is not so, it was something else. 

How would I wanted to have it played? With L, sure. Wrote, traveled together, got married in white and had twins. I would have friends and love nature. The old story.

But the dream was but a dream.

Where is the love of my life who will prevent me from giving up? Who will dance with me in the star filled sky, make me like jazz and tap dance and fly?

I didn’t like this movie. Because it had so much to do with my life.

Am I allowed to love like that?

Am I allowed to love you?

To love you like that, love you beyond myself?

Love beyond the reality of my world and the physicality of this existence. Beyond time and space. Beyond what makes sense, beyond the human form.

For this is the love I have, and sometimes I feel guilty. Should I love you at all? Shouldn’t I be worried about a job, about getting old, about building a life with someone real, about real friends I don’t have, real dreams I have lost, real things I’d never wanted to have and never will?

I’m sorry, cause maybe I am not allowed. But this is the love I have.

 

 

Nov 8, 2016

Dear L,

I cannot believe it! I’ve missed the days when “Before the flood” was open on different channels for anyone to watch it… Here in Brazil Nov 2nd is a day for the dead, people go visit the gravesites of their dear ones and as usual I had also pretty busy days. I also only read news of you once a month on IMDB, so there you go, I’ve missed it.

Also, I can’t believe it that Tobey is separating from Jen, my Gosh… to me Tobey was always such a nice family guy, he’s Cancer, and they have these cute kids, it’s a bummer. Meyer seems such a nice person, she has her own jewelry brand and all. Now what? Relationships are hard, but I really think when two people love each other they can make it work out. In fact, I know that celebrities marriages hardly ever last, but this year specifically I’ve heard so many news of break ups… it’s just sad. And I’m not talking only about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (deep in my heart I always thought it was a mistake him leaving Jen for this sexy lady, or whatever). But many couples, including one couple of journalists here in Brazil who used to present the most popular night news on open TV, for us they were legend, they had been together for 20 or more years, had triplets… oh well.

For some reason, I’ve always imagined that from all the members of your entourage I would be best friends with Tobey, so I guess in my imaginary world I would be talking more with Tobey than you for these past weeks even. Then went by Halloween and that crazy party by Hudson, and actually I’ve been enjoying myself in a better mood with better weather down here.

Last week there was a day off when it was really a pleasant day and I was actually imagining how it would be a regular day in “my life with LD”, by the time I would live in the pool house and would help out with the editing of that series about the environment and social initiatives around the globe. It felt nice.

The day would start with a sip of coffee and eggs with bacon, plus one orange – basically the breakfast I try to have often in my real life too. Then I would read the news online, reply to some emails. For snacks, I’d have some mixed nuts. I would do some stretching and sunbathe, swim a little and have a shower. Then I would have salad (or lots of vegetables) and fish for lunch. After, I would get some video editing done, would get some writing done (as for a new script), then I’d have some yogurt and I could go out for a walk. I could listen to music, play some ukulele. For dinner, probably I would have avocado in order to keep a good diet for my diabetes or I could even cook some pasta. I would have lemonade, watch a movie or an episode of a series.

Oh boy, that would be a perfect regular day.

Sure, everyday something new happens, from time to time a new event here and there. One has house duties, go to the supermarket, buy gifts and there are social gatherings to attend, there is also the spiritual side and all. It’s just nice to imagine if there was a “regular” day for some time, how would it be like for me.

I told my boss, by the way, that I don’t want to continue working at the temple anymore. I don’t know what will happen and I have no plans for another line of work or anything. I know I’ll never have that perfect regular day above… but aren’t we all human beings always in need to do something else, to renew ourselves, to readjust our gears and directions, reimagine possibilities?

 

 

Aug 27 dream

Dear L,

I had a dream last night. I remember just a glimpse now, but I was having a burger with this friend (the guy who is currently my boyfriend) and somehow I was waiting for you in the dream. Then you came downstairs with your entourage and stopped by me, you had already eaten and was somewhat upset with me. “Hey What’s up?”or the likes of it was what you said to me. 

Our eyes met for a long pause and deeply we look at each other and I felt, I knew, if there was anything, it was dispelled. “Let’s go”, you said.

***

I have dreamt other times with you and this morning I was in the bus thinking I wanted to write that story… Of star crossed lovers. In my script they would have a happy ending. 

Perhaps I should really write some stories here? Nobody will read them really but just for the fun of imagining them and writing… I guess, perhaps, I’m missing them (the imagined stories).

At 34

What was I supposed to be like at 34 years old? And does it matter?

They say that from 3 to 3 years we have a different cycle. Let’s see. I obviously don’t remember 3 years-old. 6? I began school. 9? I liked Steven Spielberg and Disney, I wanted to make fun movies. 12? I fell in love for the first time. I’ve met Leo. I attended public school, Brazil won the World Cup, I lived in a poor place and saw my father cheat on my mom. 15? I was living in Japan. I daydreamt of shooting films and loved Leo. 18? I had my first real job and boyfriend.21? I came back to Brazil for trying an university here, I was in love with my literature teacher. 24? I had been to Taiwan, worked at Disney, was in college and had my second boyfriend whom was a really important process in my life. 27? My parents came to live with me, I’ve quit my translator job to start a new line of work soon. 30? I had been to Paris, my dream, had taken care of my grandfather and lost him, had fallen in love with the perfect guy again and lost him. 33? I had been to Chicago, NY, Cuzco. I’ve started film school finally, only to give up.

My mother used to say that 33 is a very bad age for women.It’s the same age of Christ, and bad things happen. I had a lousy semestre at the university and had to quit what was supposedly a pursuit of a lifetime. Ok, I got the third boyfriend, and I thought he was the one, but spiritual indications took away my grounds. I’m not happy at work, even being able to do so many things, I continue having the feeling I wanna quit. So I guess 33 was actually a sad one. 

And what do I want as of now? At 34, I don’t really want anything. Maybe I’ll change jobs again. I will save money to buy a house. Learn how to drive again, do swimming, study Japanese. Will I marry in NY? Will I write songs and play the ukulele? Will I ever write a script? Maybe. And even if I don’t, it’s funny. I feel like I’ve lived a lot and I don’t really care anymore. Is this too bad?

I will continue trying to live a healthy life, that’s for sure. If I never have kids, that’s ok. I love my family, in spite of them being themselves. I miss my friends. I like movies. And nature. And right now, even if things are not perfect as I once imagined they would be by the time I had this age, it’s all right. 

It’s a sunny afternoon, and (surprisingly?) everything is all right. 

Love, Darling.