What were we talking about really?

I’ve recently erased a blog where I used to write about things I usually can’t talk about with anybody, and it was mainly about romantic afflictions, hurt and pain, sorrow and dreamy smiles. I thought “this is it”, now it’s another time of my life. I got married and so a new time, when I have to think of other things – a house, kids…

And then… what were we talking about yesterday? As usual, I guess we were talking about nothing. And it was such a long time we had one of these conversations, right? I mean, it can last just a few minutes, but it is one of the rare moments in this life of mine when I get my heart touched deep inside. Perhaps when I’m essentially me, only this.

I don’t know. I guess I am again going through this moment when I keep thinking that this is not the life I was supposed to be living. While I should be grateful, for everything. For having a nice husband, currently we don’t have money problems, I’m healthy enough to go to work, and I can actually do different things at work that once I wanted to do (like video editing, for example). But I don’t feel it. I don’t know why. I wish I could just don’t care about anything else and that I could simply feel happy. But I don’t.

Is it the movies? Because I always wanted to do this and I ended up not doing anything about it. Like I was watching Rocky (1976) the other day. He is a fighter and he tried to have a small living, but he just couldn’t be too far away from that world.

Is it Leo? I’ve completely given up, and the other day I was watching Your name (2016), about the crossing of time and space and love that surpasses it all.

I don’t know. I’ve been struggling with diabetes, trying to have a better diet. I keep telling myself I should study Japanese and try my hand at an instrument. But it doesn’t matter how many diversions I try to impose myself, I can’t get rid of the feeling I don’t want to continue working at the temple anymore. I wanted to do something else. It’s been 7 years I’ve been at this work, and from time to time I just keep thinking I just can’t, I just don’t wanna do it anymore. I can’t have days off, because this is the only thought that crosses my mind. And then what, I will quit and do what? I was re-reading some posts here and it seems nothing changed since last year.

Today I’ve read some of your news. The Theodore Roosevelt project, the fundraising because of hurricanes, you and Kate at St Tropez, you and Tony back together?, your statement about the recent news of sexual harassment on Weistein.

And I was reminded that it’s been a while since I last wrote here, and last read some of your news. On my birthday, August this year, I was finally able to watch Before the flood – I was all alone for my birthday this year, with a pizza. It was cool, I actually enjoyed it. Watching you on screen, meeting those important people and places, and it even gave out some tips on what we regular people could do (like eating less red meat 😉

So the past months I’ve been reading a lot about diabetes and trying to control it better. And did I tell you that my husband is also a Tiger in Chinese horoscope? So sometimes I think “would Leo do that too?”. But I wouldn’t want to exchange places with you like in Your name. I’d just like to live some things with you. I wonder if this would make me feel less unhappy? Probably not.

Maybe if I could write everyday about something good. Write about movies to get people inspired? Maybe if I could travel the world and share experiences and thoughts? Maybe if I could write songs?

It’s really hard to be content. In the beginning of last year I decided that “that was it” for the movies in my life. That I had to work hard and be content and satisfied with what life gave me. And I’ve been trying. To just let it be lived. This life of mine.

I had so many dreams that never came true. But is it really what I want? This job, a house, kids? I guess having erased that other blog, this is my new place to just talk randomly. But sometimes we don’t really need everything to make sense, do we? We just need to talk about nothing.

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It’s everyday

So it’s August already. We did get married in June, it was a three-round-marriage marathon. Everything was ok by the end, as it had to be. I came back from New York and there were a few weeks there where I just didn’t know anything anymore. It was too tranquil and I’ve wondered what to do with my life next – again.

I decided I needed a new aim, something to keep life going. Was I going to quit my job? But then what am I going to do next? To try keep it real and simple, I’ve started focusing on something closer, something that affects my day-by-day, my everyday. The health issue. Yes, I have diabetes. Despite trying to deny it for some young years. How about trying to have a healthy diet and really fight diabetes?

So for July I was focusing on diabetes control, tried to drink less soda, eat less meat (saw a doc defending the vegan diet for a healthy living) and started walking everyday from and to work. I’m not really doing so good, I love pizza and chocolate, and ice cream and all… Last year I’ve tried the ketogenic diet for some time, but eventually I’ve given up. It’s just too much food I like and I had to cut it all out (pasta, rice, bread). However, once again, I’m considering it.

And I’m trying to set small goals for myself. Like believing I could be doing worse in another job, at least I have a job and something to keep my mind occupied for some time. Believing it’s something meaningful, at least a little, to society and to the world. Trying to get back in touch with some people I have long not seen. Trying to give support to my family. Trying to write more about movies, I like movies, after all. Trying to get to study Japanese. And eventually music, the uke.

I’m not successful everyday. But I’m trying to take each day at a time. Trying not to think too much about the failures, but to keep up moving. I don’t want to feel depressed and in order to do that, I gotta keep moving. Keep my mind and myself busy. Like today, I was home and it was cloudy and rainy, and I’ve heard about you and Kate. I mean, not that it would make me sad, I want you to be happy. But then I started to think about everything I once dreamed of, everything that went wrong… and how much I wished it could have turned right. But this is my reality. It’s not Matrix, it’s just the truth, the real world.

I know I’m married now. And I should try to get things going from now on. But sometimes I wish I could go back to that 12 year-old girl and make everything different.

So I guess that’s it then. Maybe you will marry this girl everyone in the world is rooting for you to get married with. I’ll take care of my health, have kids, get old. Oh boy, sometimes I wish I could throw it all away, find another job and forget about it all (what I’m supposed to do now, all the work and responsibilities). It’s like a disease really, I must consider each day I was able to do something a good day. I shouldn’t allow myself to have these thoughts of long term and super meaningful life. Just keep going. Striving with the little things. Trying to appreciate my life. Everyday. It’s everyday.

“I know I will love you my whole life”

Yesterday night I was listening to some playlists, including one for marriage. And it was late at night, the last song playing was the Brazilian “Eu sei que vou te amar”.

I used to listen to this song when I was living in Japan, so much younger than today, and I’ve elected this our song. When I imagined the story of us, this was the song. 

In the lyrics it says “I know I will love you for all my life”; “waiting to live by your side for all my life”; “missing you and each time you return will compensate the time I’ve missed you”… 

I’m about to get married. In less than a month. And he is a really nice guy, we can be good together. But I know in my heart you were my soulmate, my true love, only this life made it impossible for us. And this song feels so true now, as it was 20 years ago. 

However, I wish for the best. For the both of us. 

Love you, Darling. Always.

So, I’m getting married

So there was the Academy Awards and that shocking, chaotic ending. So, I’ve cried watching Logan, the live action version of Beauty and the Beast wasn’t so bad, but I still prefer the animation (of course! I ALWAYS prefer the original).

And what else? Oh, yes. I’m going to get married. Yes, time goes by and what am I supposed to do? Waiting forever for a dream come true? I will always love you, Leo. It’s inevitable, it’s been like this since I was 12. But let’s face reality, you just got too rich and famous, I just didn’t get to cinema, and this is just not the life for us.

When I was younger, on my teens, I had imagined a big wedding for us. A big party, famous people, both of our families and friends would travel with us to a certain destination and it would be so much fun.

But today, I actually rethink the idea. I guess I would like something more intimate, just the closest family and friends. I wouldn’t wear a huge dress or anything, just a simple and sweet one. We could get married in this Château in France and then have a honeymoon under the aurora borealis.

Although, well, that George Clooney wedding with Amal sounded great too, elegant and classy. And George took his time to settle, who knows, maybe you will marry someone better than we expect.

My wedding in real life will be small and divided into three parts, because he has family and friends in another state, and the religious service will take place in New York. I intend to do myself the invitations, decoration, looking for cheaper solutions (on wedding dress, catering and all), I intend to have fun by hiring a karaoke thing… I, from all people, who thought would never (really) get married.

Here I am. And I don’t have cold feet, perhaps I’m too old for this. I like my future husband, I think he’s a good man for me. I just know that I once had other dreams…

But I can’t wait forever, can I?

What if this is as good as it gets?

La la land

I’ve watched this movie and you know, I got more sad about it than I thought I would be (well, actually I didn’t expected to be sad, on the opposite, I thought I would be happy). 

The character of Emma Stone just reminded of myself when I was younger and had this dream of Hollywood. And then there is this moment when Ryan Gosling’s character says that we change and eventually we have to grow up. Mia ends up making the dream come true, but there is that musical sequence by the end that replays the whole story of the couple, this time as he wanted it to have played – and probably she did too – but reality was something else.

Right before her big break, Mia returns home in doubt, like “I guess this is not for me really, I have to find something else to do with my life”. She wonders that maybe she is just one of those people who never make it. 

Well, I’m one of these people. I’ve never made it. I’ve never wrote a real script, I’ve never made a movie. And of course we all have that moment you wish you’d play your life differently, but reality is not so, it was something else. 

How would I wanted to have it played? With L, sure. Wrote, traveled together, got married in white and had twins. I would have friends and love nature. The old story.

But the dream was but a dream.

Where is the love of my life who will prevent me from giving up? Who will dance with me in the star filled sky, make me like jazz and tap dance and fly?

I didn’t like this movie. Because it had so much to do with my life.

Am I allowed to love like that?

Am I allowed to love you?

To love you like that, love you beyond myself?

Love beyond the reality of my world and the physicality of this existence. Beyond time and space. Beyond what makes sense, beyond the human form.

For this is the love I have, and sometimes I feel guilty. Should I love you at all? Shouldn’t I be worried about a job, about getting old, about building a life with someone real, about real friends I don’t have, real dreams I have lost, real things I’d never wanted to have and never will?

I’m sorry, cause maybe I am not allowed. But this is the love I have.

 

 

Nov 8, 2016

Dear L,

I cannot believe it! I’ve missed the days when “Before the flood” was open on different channels for anyone to watch it… Here in Brazil Nov 2nd is a day for the dead, people go visit the gravesites of their dear ones and as usual I had also pretty busy days. I also only read news of you once a month on IMDB, so there you go, I’ve missed it.

Also, I can’t believe it that Tobey is separating from Jen, my Gosh… to me Tobey was always such a nice family guy, he’s Cancer, and they have these cute kids, it’s a bummer. Meyer seems such a nice person, she has her own jewelry brand and all. Now what? Relationships are hard, but I really think when two people love each other they can make it work out. In fact, I know that celebrities marriages hardly ever last, but this year specifically I’ve heard so many news of break ups… it’s just sad. And I’m not talking only about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (deep in my heart I always thought it was a mistake him leaving Jen for this sexy lady, or whatever). But many couples, including one couple of journalists here in Brazil who used to present the most popular night news on open TV, for us they were legend, they had been together for 20 or more years, had triplets… oh well.

For some reason, I’ve always imagined that from all the members of your entourage I would be best friends with Tobey, so I guess in my imaginary world I would be talking more with Tobey than you for these past weeks even. Then went by Halloween and that crazy party by Hudson, and actually I’ve been enjoying myself in a better mood with better weather down here.

Last week there was a day off when it was really a pleasant day and I was actually imagining how it would be a regular day in “my life with LD”, by the time I would live in the pool house and would help out with the editing of that series about the environment and social initiatives around the globe. It felt nice.

The day would start with a sip of coffee and eggs with bacon, plus one orange – basically the breakfast I try to have often in my real life too. Then I would read the news online, reply to some emails. For snacks, I’d have some mixed nuts. I would do some stretching and sunbathe, swim a little and have a shower. Then I would have salad (or lots of vegetables) and fish for lunch. After, I would get some video editing done, would get some writing done (as for a new script), then I’d have some yogurt and I could go out for a walk. I could listen to music, play some ukulele. For dinner, probably I would have avocado in order to keep a good diet for my diabetes or I could even cook some pasta. I would have lemonade, watch a movie or an episode of a series.

Oh boy, that would be a perfect regular day.

Sure, everyday something new happens, from time to time a new event here and there. One has house duties, go to the supermarket, buy gifts and there are social gatherings to attend, there is also the spiritual side and all. It’s just nice to imagine if there was a “regular” day for some time, how would it be like for me.

I told my boss, by the way, that I don’t want to continue working at the temple anymore. I don’t know what will happen and I have no plans for another line of work or anything. I know I’ll never have that perfect regular day above… but aren’t we all human beings always in need to do something else, to renew ourselves, to readjust our gears and directions, reimagine possibilities?