The year of the dog

It’s the end of a Carnival holiday here in Brazil. While most people had a 5 day off to party out, I actually had 3 days off – which is actually good, considering I’ve been feeling I can’t rest much, since months ago. Well, this is a problem, actually. I take days off, but I don’t feel rested, do you know? I don’t feel relief.

Instead, I get anxious about all the workload I will have when I come back, and that horrible feeling of not wanting to go to bed so I won’t have to wake up to another day and have to go back to work.

These past weeks I have been thinking about my past, this February we had a traditional celebration to toss “beans” as a symbol of bringing in good fortune for the year, and those who threw the beans were of the year of the Dog, according to the Chinese zodiac. Well, I am of the year of the Dog, and so it happens that from 12 to 12 years, it’s “my year”. So I was thinking back. Like, when I was 12 years old, how was it? My life, I mean. And at 24? I’ll be 36 this year and it should be a good year, if I am to compare.

At 12 years-old, I fell in love for the first time. Also, it was the year I changed schools, I “met” Leo for the first time. What else? I don’t know why, but I have the heart-memory that it was a good year. Then, in 2006, I started out in Disney World (I was working there at the time), the fireworks were beautiful. I got a new boyfriend, and I really thought he was the one. I thought I would have to go to Japan, but fortunately I got a new job, in a field I was expecting to find work (translation, at the time). I went to Japan. It was a nice year.

Now… Ellen DeGeneres is 60, oh my. I once believed I was going to make movies with Spielberg, but he’s old too. And so am I.

Oh, yes, I’ve read about your new model and the DaVinci movie. That’s nice. The DaVinci movie, I mean.

Last week I made a small trip and I had one of those L&D moments. I also watched a movie, Hungarian contender this year for the Academy Awards, called “On body and soul”. I once had a thought for a movie that it was like that: two strangers having the same dream. Of course, my story would play out differently than it was this one. But I guess, in that hotel room, that morning, I just remembered I would still like to do a movie about this.

This year I’ll be 36 and not at all where I dreamed I would be at. I would be having kids by now. I would have won Oscars by now. So at which point of my past would I return and change it all? This morning I was wondering.

However, I can’t change the past, and this is the life I have now.

At 12, I was at a new school, I found an important love for my life. At 24, I was at a new job, I found an important love for my life. This is the year of the dog. It should bring changes, it should be good for my love life. Well? How is it going to be? I guess it depends on me. It depended on me to live love. To go and not be afraid of the challenges, get some things new into my life. Let’s see.


Still about “Coco”

I was suddenly writing a song today and now at the evening I was thinking of “Coco” (2017)**** again. It’s such a colorful movie, it deals with traditions and ancestors, respecting memory and the elderly, it’s a thrilling joy to follow the journey of that little boy Miguel.

And he loves music so much, it’s just part of him. I once had big dreams too, and I was so sure of what made me happy, like Miguel I would probably go until the land of the dead if necessary, would do anything to find the person who would grant me the freedom to do whatever I wanted, what I really wanted of my life.

Lately, I’ve been moving on to some other thing I really always wanted to have more in my life: music. Perhaps, as I said before somewhere, some time, a new sparkle, to keep going.

Obviously I should have done that when I was in my twenties, I should have continued the theater classes and made my way to dubbing. But I guess music is something never too late, for anybody? And it’s not like I’m aiming to be a professional, or have a million dollars or a million likes. No, not at all. It’s just to soothe my soul, that has been wandering and floating for so long in less than a wishful thinking.

On another blog I was reading about how many people spend their lives not knowing what they want. That se should be bold and strong if we knew what we love or makes our hearts… sing?

It’s Sunday afternoon

It’s Sunday afternoon and I’ve asked for a day off today. I had a pretty full month of December, then we started out this period of training (and we’re still in the middle period), then I had two days off. But I still wanted more. In fact, I wanted everyday to be a Sunday afternoon.

The Academy Awards nominees were announced last Jan. 23 and I’ve began my annual routine of trying to watch all the movies at least nominated for best picture. Why do I still do this? Why do I do it at all? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the time of the year when I will most certainly watch films that are good, with some rare exception, and I’ll be forgetting a little about my petty life.

And maybe I could even wonder about the movies I myself could make, or help to see it through. Yesterday I went for “Coco” which is just a sweet thing and I was wondering today that I would be happy, even if it was a job only to paint a little part of one sequence of this amazing movie. I think I’m getting old and more and more I want less. Like, I really would be happy just doing that. When I was on my twenties, I would probably want to do this and that movie, I would want to change the world. Now? I could only be a part of this great universe and do something simple and just content myself with this.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons I still wanna quit my current job. It’s too much psychological pressure, it’s such a responsibility and so much we should respond to, it’s so many headaches and hurt pride, and embarrassment and feelings of being a weak person – like a very bad episode of “Black Mirror”. That feeling.

Now, at this point of my life, I just wanted it simpler. I could sell coconut water at the beach and that would be ok.

I was also reading today about this family who lives with almost no generation of garbage, and that would be so great! Less consumption, less damage to the planet, a simpler way of life. I wanted that too.

I honestly think that we human beings had complicated it too much. Do we really need to work that much? Do we really need to be so fast and furious? Why can’t we just live healthly?

For the past 8 years I almost had no free Sundays. How would it be my Sunday, even if I was living with Leo? I would probably want to lazily wake up to the sun, have a walk outside, write a friend or two, have coconut water, read something good, write a little, play some ukulele, play with the pets, hug my partner, say hi to my mom, have a tasty dinner, watch a nice movie, take a nice shower, breathe in deeply with satisfaction and go to bed.

How can I reach everyday Sunday?

Reach bottom to rise up

I didn’t want to feel like this. A few weeks ago I was again questioning myself. What is it that I want? I say I don’t want this job anymore, that I wanted to create nice stories and things that will inspire people, make people happier. This was the original dream. I gave up. Cause I don’t believe I’m ever going to accomplish it. I thought once I could do it. But perhaps I can’t. So what is left for me to do in this world?

“What do you want, D?”, I ask myself. And I always say “I don’t want anything”. Anymore.

So I know that I gotta wake up early tomorrow morning and forget about any of the dreams I once had or might still have and go on through the day, one more day, every day.

Well, some say that it’s when you reach the bottom that you can go up, because there is nowhere else to go. Perhaps this is the beginning. Again. When you start a new movement in your life. Not because you need to. But because you need to.

It’s everyday

So it’s August already. We did get married in June, it was a three-round-marriage marathon. Everything was ok by the end, as it had to be. I came back from New York and there were a few weeks there where I just didn’t know anything anymore. It was too tranquil and I’ve wondered what to do with my life next – again.

I decided I needed a new aim, something to keep life going. Was I going to quit my job? But then what am I going to do next? To try keep it real and simple, I’ve started focusing on something closer, something that affects my day-by-day, my everyday. The health issue. Yes, I have diabetes. Despite trying to deny it for some young years. How about trying to have a healthy diet and really fight diabetes?

So for July I was focusing on diabetes control, tried to drink less soda, eat less meat (saw a doc defending the vegan diet for a healthy living) and started walking everyday from and to work. I’m not really doing so good, I love pizza and chocolate, and ice cream and all… Last year I’ve tried the ketogenic diet for some time, but eventually I’ve given up. It’s just too much food I like and I had to cut it all out (pasta, rice, bread). However, once again, I’m considering it.

And I’m trying to set small goals for myself. Like believing I could be doing worse in another job, at least I have a job and something to keep my mind occupied for some time. Believing it’s something meaningful, at least a little, to society and to the world. Trying to get back in touch with some people I have long not seen. Trying to give support to my family. Trying to write more about movies, I like movies, after all. Trying to get to study Japanese. And eventually music, the uke.

I’m not successful everyday. But I’m trying to take each day at a time. Trying not to think too much about the failures, but to keep up moving. I don’t want to feel depressed and in order to do that, I gotta keep moving. Keep my mind and myself busy. Like today, I was home and it was cloudy and rainy, and I’ve heard about you and Kate. I mean, not that it would make me sad, I want you to be happy. But then I started to think about everything I once dreamed of, everything that went wrong… and how much I wished it could have turned right. But this is my reality. It’s not Matrix, it’s just the truth, the real world.

I know I’m married now. And I should try to get things going from now on. But sometimes I wish I could go back to that 12 year-old girl and make everything different.

So I guess that’s it then. Maybe you will marry this girl everyone in the world is rooting for you to get married with. I’ll take care of my health, have kids, get old. Oh boy, sometimes I wish I could throw it all away, find another job and forget about it all (what I’m supposed to do now, all the work and responsibilities). It’s like a disease really, I must consider each day I was able to do something a good day. I shouldn’t allow myself to have these thoughts of long term and super meaningful life. Just keep going. Striving with the little things. Trying to appreciate my life. Everyday. It’s everyday.

“I know I will love you my whole life”

Yesterday night I was listening to some playlists, including one for marriage. And it was late at night, the last song playing was the Brazilian “Eu sei que vou te amar”.

I used to listen to this song when I was living in Japan, so much younger than today, and I’ve elected this our song. When I imagined the story of us, this was the song. 

In the lyrics it says “I know I will love you for all my life”; “waiting to live by your side for all my life”; “missing you and each time you return will compensate the time I’ve missed you”… 

I’m about to get married. In less than a month. And he is a really nice guy, we can be good together. But I know in my heart you were my soulmate, my true love, only this life made it impossible for us. And this song feels so true now, as it was 20 years ago. 

However, I wish for the best. For the both of us. 

Love you, Darling. Always.

So, I’m getting married

So there was the Academy Awards and that shocking, chaotic ending. So, I’ve cried watching Logan, the live action version of Beauty and the Beast wasn’t so bad, but I still prefer the animation (of course! I ALWAYS prefer the original).

And what else? Oh, yes. I’m going to get married. Yes, time goes by and what am I supposed to do? Waiting forever for a dream come true? I will always love you, Leo. It’s inevitable, it’s been like this since I was 12. But let’s face reality, you just got too rich and famous, I just didn’t get to cinema, and this is just not the life for us.

When I was younger, on my teens, I had imagined a big wedding for us. A big party, famous people, both of our families and friends would travel with us to a certain destination and it would be so much fun.

But today, I actually rethink the idea. I guess I would like something more intimate, just the closest family and friends. I wouldn’t wear a huge dress or anything, just a simple and sweet one. We could get married in this Château in France and then have a honeymoon under the aurora borealis.

Although, well, that George Clooney wedding with Amal sounded great too, elegant and classy. And George took his time to settle, who knows, maybe you will marry someone better than we expect.

My wedding in real life will be small and divided into three parts, because he has family and friends in another state, and the religious service will take place in New York. I intend to do myself the invitations, decoration, looking for cheaper solutions (on wedding dress, catering and all), I intend to have fun by hiring a karaoke thing… I, from all people, who thought would never (really) get married.

Here I am. And I don’t have cold feet, perhaps I’m too old for this. I like my future husband, I think he’s a good man for me. I just know that I once had other dreams…

But I can’t wait forever, can I?

What if this is as good as it gets?