Only sharing good things

Last year there was a moment when I had been down for such a long time, letting myself linger in depression, and months went by while I was very discouraged with my life, with everything that went wrong and all the dreams that didn’t come true, many days when I woke up and didn’t want to get up or to go out, while I was trying to find other meanings to my life and made many plans which remained only as plans. And the feeling of getting old and older, dumb and dumber, too old to do all that I once thought I could do and it would make a difference in the world, too hopeless to move and do anything.

But there is a time when you just can’t allow yourself to be down in the dumps anymore. You gotta do something. Just like Shawshank Redemption? Yeah, just like that. Get busy living or get busy dying.

It’s been about three years that I come here once in a while and just let everything out, everything I wanted to say in blunt honesty out there in this huge, infinite web world. Because I needed a escape valve, not really because I ever expected anybody would actually read it.

However I still need this blog therapy, I have also decided to fight for my own good, to make efforts in order to have a healthy life, which implies more physical exercises, a healthier diet and happier thoughts. Even if I can’t make all my dreams come true anymore, what is it that I still can do while living in this world? Something that is good and can contribute to the world?

One main thing that I really admire on Leo is his engagement to the environment issues, I can say that he is an inspiration for me too in that sense. I’ve always cared and loved nature myself, and I’ve always thought that we should take better care of our planet, which also means to take better care of all life.

We may not be as public a figure as Leo has become, but I do believe that each one of us can make our part. It can be small acts and start out simple, but when combined with everyone this can turn into a huge movement of change. I really do believe in that. That we can contribute, we can make a difference when united, we can change and make a better world. It seems too ideal, but it is also abiding by the precepts of some buddhist thinking I follow and if we only wait for others to change, that’s when we will move no further really.

So, what I can do in this modern setting of society is to share. I will continue posting some random thoughts, just because. But I would like to share good things. Good initiatives, good ideas, good vibes that can contribute even if only a little for this better life and world we all are looking for. This is the age of sharing, with social media and so much information available, so aren’t these the most propitious times for more and more people to be aware, to unite in good actions and to change the bad ways humans have been treating Earth so far?

Even if in small ways and small steps, I’d just like to share, only share good things.



Leo, you gotta let go

This was a few days ago. In one more of these imagined encounters.

I know this space here is for me to write without any kind of reservations and to my memory only (in the future I can read and remember “oh yes, there was a time I went through that”). But perhaps I should give it some context.

I wanted to have written here before this year, several times. I started out a post right after the Academy Awards, about how I have always imagined the awards alongside Leo, how it would be, he would take his mom and myself to the red carpet and we would also be sorrounded by rumours unconcrete – like Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were surrounded by rumours. However, in our case it would be truth, we would be secretly really together.

But this post was never finished. And neither did the other one about how I wondered on time travel, if I could go back in one moment of my life, what would I have done differently – lately it seems there are so many productions on that, series and films alike paying homage to Groundhog Day (1993)***. A contemplation that actually took me to an unexpected conclusion (it shouldn’t be unexpected, considering how many productions are out there to tell us this moral). I just got to terms that I realized I have actually lived at least part of everything I thought “oh, if only I could go back in time”… some things are inevitable, some things have to be lived, some things we can change, but in the end, it won’t matter that much. Or could it?

That being said, I guess now I can give you some context. These were just a few thoughts that crossed my mind for these past few months and one thing I also thought of was how Leo must have regretted not continued being with Gisele. I mean, there was a similar moment when both of them, in this 2019, talked about the Amazon, each on his/her own way. And I remember Gisele giving an interview while promoting her personal book, when she talked about the time she and Leo split up, that she wanted something else and kept moving. Well, nowadays they are both really serious talk on the environment issue, developing initiatives and raising awareness each on their own way. Sure, we wonder (and I dare to say Leo had wondered too) how great a couple, how perfect they would be if they were together, together fighting for the same cause for the bigger benefit of this world.

Also, I have to add that this thought of mine is an ellaboration due to having read things about how soulmates were supposed to be, and one point was that they were supposed to be better together and good for the world, basically.

But in our reality, Gisele went on to get married and have children, and she seems pretty happy this way. And by the line of girlfriends Leo had, all ex-Victoria Secret’s angels, top models, blonde… one could infer he was looking for the next Gisele on line (come on, admit it, you had thought about it), but never found it, and so, not so happy this way, I guess.

In the past, when I was so young and believed in all my dreams, in our imagined encounters I would say, “Leo, wait for me. We will find each other and we’ll be happy together, for the good of this world”. Then, after several years, crushed by this current timeline reality, when I finally resigned to the thought that I had no chances and in this life we wouldn’t be ever together, I’d say, “Leo, I only wish you be happy. Go on, get married, live life to the full”. I know I didn’t perform my part, I was supposed to be a brilliant scriptwriter, get into movies and be a good director, so then we could together inspire the world.

It never happened, but like I said, I did some of the things I would have wanted in case I got back in time, like taking a dubbing course, working surrounded by Disney thoughts, learning languages, taking film school classes, working with some editing and with something I believe it’s bringing something good to the world. Come to think of it, my life had not been that bad. And I was able to have friends and fall in love, and family problems, like any human being. Why should I want anything else, if this is the human experience?

I got married, because I believe that with this companion we can do good together. Even if it’s not the ideal. Deep down in my heart I always believed in my one true love, but I realized he would never choose me, never in this reality. It was always like that. I always did my best with whatever I got. Many times I had to “let go” of that perfect scenario, but I can say I was happy anyway. I had the courage to put myself out there and try, and have fun while doing it, enjoy it as much as it was possible, perhaps not with the best results, but with the right and most important essence, to keep believing in and promoting good.

So, to this most recent encounter, after knowing you for 25 years, what I say is “Leo, you gotta let go”.


Gisele and the perfect diet

The movie for today is “Taxi” (2004). Yesterday I was reading about Gisele and Tom Brady, and they were commenting on how crazy their diet is, but I actually think this would be a perfect diet. I mean, for the past few years I have been reading a lot about food and all because of diabetes, and suddenly, once more, I have proof of how perfect Gisele is.

I mean, I already thought she was perfect when Leo got together with her back then and I resignated myself to forgetting about Leo because, oh well, he just got the perfect Brazilian. Then she moved on to marry and have two kids, while she makes these commercials for SKY and she can play a myriad of characters without ever having to had acting classes – just the fun part. Some people are just born with a shining star, no? I mean, this is a life I  would like to have had. And on top of that, a healthy, the healthiest diet!

Then today that movie was on TV. Around the time for that shooting I guess she was still on and off Leo, sure I prefer Luc Besson, and she looks so skinny, but still seemed to have had a great deal of fun. And she is still the only girl to date that Leo has brought with him to an Academy Awards red carpet. And I remember that during the time of their relationship, I had read a few news here and there, it was so nice! Going to the Amazon – she is still a serious environmentalist (again, isn’t it just perfect, Leo?), and I totally get the idea of “Gisele and the green team”, haha.

Yeah, I know. Only a very few of the fewest privileged out there can be as perfect. And I’m not among them.

I know I can’t just stay home and eat all I like for the rest of my life. I gotta do something. I just wanted to have fun, but I’m not as lucky and perfect as Gisele. So I have missed many opportunities in my life and had to struggle a number of times with the choices I made. So, I gotta get up and do something out of my life now, and I don’t know what to do. And let’s face reality, I know that women for Leo is a blonde model or Victoria Secret angel, all the rest of the world do not exist for him, and I’m included in that rest of the world; I cannot just continue dreaming of him. Despite of all the dreams and sincere heartfelt scenes and encounters played somewhere in my mind’s universe.

So I didn’t do a bunch of things and it seems I keep repeating myself as for what I am going to do, while still stuck. Having always wanted to be the “chosen one” as in “Matrix” (2000), and having always preferred to say “I’m not the one”.

But… who is it that really said you’re not good enough? Who is the one that told you that you don’t deserve it?

Do we really need to be perfect? Have the perfect hair, the perfect family, the perfect career, the perfect diet? How many Giseles are out there, and what’s really wrong in not being one of them?

Why couldn’t Leo marry a short, dark-haired, sweet girl? Perhaps he would be even happier, who knows?

In the past and back

From all the places I could write on today, this was the last one I thought I would. But here I am, rambling again. Today it is my one year wedding anniversary and all I can think of is how I have only truly loved Leo in my life.

Travelling back to the past, back there when I was 12 years-old only… I’ve met him, and it should’ve been like Blake, I should’ve dodged him for Bill, who was born on October 23 just like Reynolds. There was such a fleeing thing, there was the idea of making movies with Macaulay Culkin and Steven Spielberg. I was not able to escape LA airport as I’ve engineered, during my flight to Japan, in 1997. Such a believer I was!

By that time, “Romeo + Juliet” was still a big deal in Japan, and I fell back in love with Leo again. I had no choice. I should have studied in a Japanese school, lived that time in full, made new friends. Instead, I was trapped in my dream world and I really believed once that I could write scripts and get myself a manager in LA and a big studio and big money so I could live in Hollywood – I was only sixteen!

Then came “Titanic” and Leo was so adorable… but then came the “after-Titanic”, and for some time I’ve given up on him, Gisele just seemed perfect – and a Brazilian! What are the chances? I’ve worked, I got a boyfriend, who was Scorpio, and just fine, but I didn’t reeeaaally loved him. I came back to Brazil with a renewed dream, to take film school as graduation as “Central do Brasil” just made it, even into Japan, so there was a more real possibility for me than I ever thought there could be. Study in Brazil and then later in the future work in the industry.

However… I didn’t make it to those university courses. Come to think now, I should’ve taken those theater classes by 2003, and went on to try a dubbing career, something I would probably enjoy until this day. And when the second boyfriend came, we shared this passion for movies, we were young and we wanted to travel, to conquer the world. Nonetheless, despite suffering so hard and so long for this one, I can see I didn’t truly love him.

Leo is the only true love of my life. Even now, that I am married? Perhaps it’s shameful to admit it, but yes. Maybe because Leo represents this ideal of a lifetime, a life with movies, doing something I once believed I loved more than anything. And maybe there’s something else, because I don’t really care for the other big names of Hollywood. I mean, I once thought Elijah Wood was cute and I wanted to be good friends with Keanu Reeves. But not like this history with Leo (there are so many small touches post-Titanic and through the other movies). And I could never have guessed that this feeling would last for such a long time.

The old romantic-comedy belief that after all there are soulmates and everything will work out in the end. I still have it. And I’ve been thinking so much about him lately, maybe because it has always been my escape valve, from my current real world terms. This feeling have been increasing since the past few years, that I should’ve made other choices. Even the marriage thing. But we can’t go to the past, fix some points of our life and then come back to the future (is that why everyone loves the movie so much?).

For the past few days I went on this trip to Natal (Rio Grande do Norte, Brazil). And I am back. I’ve tried to deal with some unfinished business before the trip, so it would mark a time to start new things. Here I am, back to me trying to reinvent myself once more. This is the life I have now, what can I do from now on? I’ve made some mistakes, I’ve learned some things, I’ve regretted many others. But what is the life I want from now?

From my history with Leo I can tell that I can always refresh the story or create a new one. How we would meet, how we would end up being together and how we would together inspire the world even more.

So maybe I need this change in my life, I know my current job in essence is the same ideal, for the benefit of the world, but perhaps I just don’t belong to these strings and I can do good things too by other means.

Besides the paths we’ve already taken, we can refresh. We can rewrite some or write new stories.

Together with my current partner (who is not the ideal, no blue eyes nor blond hair, no Italian descendancy, not involved in movies at all) I can also try to do some good.

Or is it too far away from reality and I should conform myself to what I have? I know that gratitude is the most important, to be grateful for what you have and what you can do. Is it too bad to think that we can do more? To believe in something nicer? Am I dreaming too much again?

Recently I received a spiritual indication that made me reflect about not focusing on myself, or what I want, but what would make others happy. This is the basics for everything really in the buddhist teaching I follow. And I thought about my family and friends, and I was wondering… that they also want to see me happy. This would make them happy too. For many years I have given up my dreams and for some time I have really tried to conform myself, which has been making me miserable, and that’s something I guess the others around me don’t want to see either.

What if everything falls apart? If I fail and I’ll become miserable again, and regret it? Well, as I said, I had many regrets. But this is living, isn’t it?

more for less

Today I read this post from a blog I followed that brought daily messages of inspiration from several different contributors, bringing us “seeds for life”. The title of the post was that sometimes we need changes. And the blog is about to end, exactly because the author needs change.

I thought that this year I would change. Just the day before yesterday I was saddened by a situation which made me rethink all the other recent downturns again. Like I’ve been wanting to go to Japan for a training since last year and it doesn’t seem to ever go right, then I thought about going to Hawaii, but I didn’t really decide and my chance was gone again. Then, the things that I set myself to do this year – get more in touch with friends, exercise more and have a healthy diet, finish that book review so I could get started on my own projects, and most recently, giving a step forward by getting our own place to live. Our own apartment seemed possible, but then we were stopped by this spiritual guidance and… suddenly I’m just feeling tired again. Like we’ve been running in circles and went back to where we were, and got stuck.

So what’s better place to get it off my chest other than this secret blog that almost no one reads? My personal secret therapy?

Here’s to mourn the frustration. I’m over 30 and I never felt so lost in my life. At my 20’s I knew exactly what I wanted, my dreams, where I wanted to be, what I wanted to achieve. And I hear you, I hear all the signs around me saying I should be thankful, talking about being content with what you have, saying thanks everyday. Sure, it sounds so easy. But when it comes to the daily real deal, the truth is that I wonder if that’s it, really, that’s all we’ve got? This is as good as it gets?

I should be grateful because I have a job, and I can pay my bills. And? Nothing else? I shouldn’t wish for anything else in this life?

Last month I got so sick, I was basically sick the whole month. And now again, in May, I got sick for a few days again, with a cold. And thinking it over, I really don’t think it’s only the weather. I believe this was the result of months trying to hold back, trying to keep it cool, then my body just collapsed, couldn’t take it anymore. It was the burst of all the stress it’d been accumulating, and fatigue, and so and so.

I guess I shouldn’t wish for anything else. Who said my life would be easier if I quit this job? Probably I would find other new problems again, because this is the human life really, it will probably only be more difficult to make a living. But, oh boy, I did wish.

I wish I could open a cafe, and sing a few songs on my uke there. And that I could live by the beach, drink coconut water everyday and watch the sunset by the sea. I wish I’d have a life with less pressure and worries, slower in motion and demands. Don’t human beings do too much? We do so much, but how much is it really for more happiness? Shouldn’t we do more to have more happiness in the world, for us, for other living beings in this planet, for nature, for our future generations? Instead of generating more unhappiness. It seems like we’re doing so much for wars, for crimes, for money, for one being better than the other, why is that?

Why? Why can’t we work less? Have less demands? Cause less damages to others, and the world. Make less money. Have less things to buy. Have less white sugar, less meat. Have less things to worry about.

I don’t know. I’m getting concerned with my health. And I believe this is not only my problem, it seems this is a general occurrence of today’s society.

I wish we had more changes.


And so, Leo, we would eat fruits, vegetables, our kids would have a more organic and natural diet. And we would make some movies to inspire, that series too. We would travel, watch movies, sing together (as a family, you and me, and our kids), enjoy more life and work less. Or, well, work would be something we love, so it wouldn’t be a burden. Such would be our accomplishments and our passage in this world.

Another thought about a baby

It started out with me being sick. The beginning of this month I got sick for a few weeks and the beginning of this year I’ve been rethinking my life possibilities. I wanted to act on something, and I said to myself I would finish an unfinished business and then I would move on. I would go more towards what makes me happy and less under an “obligation”. So I was rethinking the paradigm, how was that life plan. Our life plan. It changes, of course, I get old and I guess the dreams have to adapt to times.

Amidst thinking I never wanted to get married in the first place, and I never wanted a baby… and thinking about new possibilities for the life I still have to live (about the past we can’t go back, we can’t do anything anymore about it). So I did get married. And why? Because at the time, I believed this person could be someone to walk along the path with, and we can do some good things together.

In my new plans, we get more involved in music. What was not imaginable before, when I was still on my 10’s, on my 15’s, on my 19’s, now it is possible, we have social networks, we have YouTube. So I didn’t study Japanese back then, and I didn’t take theater classes, and I didn’t go to work with dubbing. But I do have this spiritual path I believe in, and I do have time to study Japanese yet. Music is something I still can learn and it can bring me happiness. Writing is something I still can do (until the end of my life I can, actually, no?). I could consider I still have like half of a life to live.

So what if…

I did get to learn a musical instrument and send out to the world some messages of inspiration, so we can be more aware and work towards a better world, with more friendship, true love, valuing the simple things, being thankful, just living better. Some animated video clips, as I’ve always enjoyed animation. Besides getting to know new places often and sharing it with people, besides getting more in touch with friends, and maybe making new friends.

We would’ve tried to have a baby, for three years. I would be getting older, things wouldn’t work out so well anymore. I would start writing again. And we would split up. And I would get into a project with Leo. And we would end up getting involved. Not to the public eye, for sure, they would never imagine so, I’m not his type, I would be like his spiritual guru, I wouldn’t give any interviews.


–It’s very unexpected. I mean, that night, I just let myself… and I would’ve never guessed. I mean, we have tried. Three years, and nothing. And… who could ever think it would be possible?

–Wait. Are you telling me you’re pregnant?

–Listen, I understand, ok. I know you are a public person, and I… I will understand if you want to have nothing, no strings attached to me, no relation to me… I totally get it. I will not ask anything of you, and I can pretend… I just made that baby by myself.

–You made a baby by yourself? How’s… that even possible?

–Well, you know, like these modern moms, they do treatment, they get an anonymous donation of a semen, or things of the like… So you don’t have to worry about that, I just… I’m just saying, I’m 39 years-old, this may be my last chance. I don’t want to abort. I don’t. I will not.


–You know, I promise, I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t expect it, and I know this is not a soap opera, so don’t you worry about that.

–D. No. No, listen to me. (pause, they gaze at each other) I know you. I mean, I know it seems like it was such a short time since we know each other, but I know you. I do. And… knowing you, what you have been through, I would never, never ask something like that, such a thing from you. Never. I… I love you.

[D sobs]

–I do. Of course, of course I’m being me… I, I would have to talk with my manager, and publicists, or whatever, or whomever. I don’t know what people would say, what my friends or family would say. But I want you to have this baby. And I want to be together with you. I myself never thought this could happen, I never thought I would feel like this, that I could love like this. But I do. I love you and I… I’ve actually been hoping for an excuse so we could be together.


(in an interview in the future)

–and so it happened, God gave me just what I was asking for! I got my excuse.


And so it was that I ended up marrying after finding out about a baby coming, just like my mother. And just like that fortuneteller once told me, I married twice. But it didn’t happen in a stressed or sad way, under pressure or as if an obligation. It happened so that at 39, when hopes were almost up, I got a baby after all. He’d been waiting his whole life for me and I had been dreaming my whole life with him, so it was just right.

The year of the dog

It’s the end of a Carnival holiday here in Brazil. While most people had a 5 day off to party out, I actually had 3 days off – which is actually good, considering I’ve been feeling I can’t rest much, since months ago. Well, this is a problem, actually. I take days off, but I don’t feel rested, do you know? I don’t feel relief.

Instead, I get anxious about all the workload I will have when I come back, and that horrible feeling of not wanting to go to bed so I won’t have to wake up to another day and have to go back to work.

These past weeks I have been thinking about my past, this February we had a traditional celebration to toss “beans” as a symbol of bringing in good fortune for the year, and those who threw the beans were of the year of the Dog, according to the Chinese zodiac. Well, I am of the year of the Dog, and so it happens that from 12 to 12 years, it’s “my year”. So I was thinking back. Like, when I was 12 years old, how was it? My life, I mean. And at 24? I’ll be 36 this year and it should be a good year, if I am to compare.

At 12 years-old, I fell in love for the first time. Also, it was the year I changed schools, I “met” Leo for the first time. What else? I don’t know why, but I have the heart-memory that it was a good year. Then, in 2006, I started out in Disney World (I was working there at the time), the fireworks were beautiful. I got a new boyfriend, and I really thought he was the one. I thought I would have to go to Japan, but fortunately I got a new job, in a field I was expecting to find work (translation, at the time). I went to Japan. It was a nice year.

Now… Ellen DeGeneres is 60, oh my. I once believed I was going to make movies with Spielberg, but he’s old too. And so am I.

Oh, yes, I’ve read about your new model and the DaVinci movie. That’s nice. The DaVinci movie, I mean.

Last week I made a small trip and I had one of those L&D moments. I also watched a movie, Hungarian contender this year for the Academy Awards, called “On body and soul”. I once had a thought for a movie that it was like that: two strangers having the same dream. Of course, my story would play out differently than it was this one. But I guess, in that hotel room, that morning, I just remembered I would still like to do a movie about this.

This year I’ll be 36 and not at all where I dreamed I would be at. I would be having kids by now. I would have won Oscars by now. So at which point of my past would I return and change it all? This morning I was wondering.

However, I can’t change the past, and this is the life I have now.

At 12, I was at a new school, I found an important love for my life. At 24, I was at a new job, I found an important love for my life. This is the year of the dog. It should bring changes, it should be good for my love life. Well? How is it going to be? I guess it depends on me. It depended on me to live love. To go and not be afraid of the challenges, get some things new into my life. Let’s see.