more for less

Today I read this post from a blog I followed that brought daily messages of inspiration from several different contributors, bringing us “seeds for life”. The title of the post was that sometimes we need changes. And the blog is about to end, exactly because the author needs change.

I thought that this year I would change. Just the day before yesterday I was saddened by a situation which made me rethink all the other recent downturns again. Like I’ve been wanting to go to Japan for a training since last year and it doesn’t seem to ever go right, then I thought about going to Hawaii, but I didn’t really decide and my chance was gone again. Then, the things that I set myself to do this year – get more in touch with friends, exercise more and have a healthy diet, finish that book review so I could get started on my own projects, and most recently, giving a step forward by getting our own place to live. Our own apartment seemed possible, but then we were stopped by this spiritual guidance and… suddenly I’m just feeling tired again. Like we’ve been running in circles and went back to where we were, and got stuck.

So what’s better place to get it off my chest other than this secret blog that almost no one reads? My personal secret therapy?

Here’s to mourn the frustration. I’m over 30 and I never felt so lost in my life. At my 20’s I knew exactly what I wanted, my dreams, where I wanted to be, what I wanted to achieve. And I hear you, I hear all the signs around me saying I should be thankful, talking about being content with what you have, saying thanks everyday. Sure, it sounds so easy. But when it comes to the daily real deal, the truth is that I wonder if that’s it, really, that’s all we’ve got? This is as good as it gets?

I should be grateful because I have a job, and I can pay my bills. And? Nothing else? I shouldn’t wish for anything else in this life?

Last month I got so sick, I was basically sick the whole month. And now again, in May, I got sick for a few days again, with a cold. And thinking it over, I really don’t think it’s only the weather. I believe this was the result of months trying to hold back, trying to keep it cool, then my body just collapsed, couldn’t take it anymore. It was the burst of all the stress it’d been accumulating, and fatigue, and so and so.

I guess I shouldn’t wish for anything else. Who said my life would be easier if I quit this job? Probably I would find other new problems again, because this is the human life really, it will probably only be more difficult to make a living. But, oh boy, I did wish.

I wish I could open a cafe, and sing a few songs on my uke there. And that I could live by the beach, drink coconut water everyday and watch the sunset by the sea. I wish I’d have a life with less pressure and worries, slower in motion and demands. Don’t human beings do too much? We do so much, but how much is it really for more happiness? Shouldn’t we do more to have more happiness in the world, for us, for other living beings in this planet, for nature, for our future generations? Instead of generating more unhappiness. It seems like we’re doing so much for wars, for crimes, for money, for one being better than the other, why is that?

Why? Why can’t we work less? Have less demands? Cause less damages to others, and the world. Make less money. Have less things to buy. Have less white sugar, less meat. Have less things to worry about.

I don’t know. I’m getting concerned with my health. And I believe this is not only my problem, it seems this is a general occurrence of today’s society.

I wish we had more changes.

***

And so, Leo, we would eat fruits, vegetables, our kids would have a more organic and natural diet. And we would make some movies to inspire, that series too. We would travel, watch movies, sing together (as a family, you and me, and our kids), enjoy more life and work less. Or, well, work would be something we love, so it wouldn’t be a burden. Such would be our accomplishments and our passage in this world.

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Another thought about a baby

It started out with me being sick. The beginning of this month I got sick for a few weeks and the beginning of this year I’ve been rethinking my life possibilities. I wanted to act on something, and I said to myself I would finish an unfinished business and then I would move on. I would go more towards what makes me happy and less under an “obligation”. So I was rethinking the paradigm, how was that life plan. Our life plan. It changes, of course, I get old and I guess the dreams have to adapt to times.

Amidst thinking I never wanted to get married in the first place, and I never wanted a baby… and thinking about new possibilities for the life I still have to live (about the past we can’t go back, we can’t do anything anymore about it). So I did get married. And why? Because at the time, I believed this person could be someone to walk along the path with, and we can do some good things together.

In my new plans, we get more involved in music. What was not imaginable before, when I was still on my 10’s, on my 15’s, on my 19’s, now it is possible, we have social networks, we have YouTube. So I didn’t study Japanese back then, and I didn’t take theater classes, and I didn’t go to work with dubbing. But I do have this spiritual path I believe in, and I do have time to study Japanese yet. Music is something I still can learn and it can bring me happiness. Writing is something I still can do (until the end of my life I can, actually, no?). I could consider I still have like half of a life to live.

So what if…

I did get to learn a musical instrument and send out to the world some messages of inspiration, so we can be more aware and work towards a better world, with more friendship, true love, valuing the simple things, being thankful, just living better. Some animated video clips, as I’ve always enjoyed animation. Besides getting to know new places often and sharing it with people, besides getting more in touch with friends, and maybe making new friends.

We would’ve tried to have a baby, for three years. I would be getting older, things wouldn’t work out so well anymore. I would start writing again. And we would split up. And I would get into a project with Leo. And we would end up getting involved. Not to the public eye, for sure, they would never imagine so, I’m not his type, I would be like his spiritual guru, I wouldn’t give any interviews.

***

–It’s very unexpected. I mean, that night, I just let myself… and I would’ve never guessed. I mean, we have tried. Three years, and nothing. And… who could ever think it would be possible?

–Wait. Are you telling me you’re pregnant?

–Listen, I understand, ok. I know you are a public person, and I… I will understand if you want to have nothing, no strings attached to me, no relation to me… I totally get it. I will not ask anything of you, and I can pretend… I just made that baby by myself.

–You made a baby by yourself? How’s… that even possible?

–Well, you know, like these modern moms, they do treatment, they get an anonymous donation of a semen, or things of the like… So you don’t have to worry about that, I just… I’m just saying, I’m 39 years-old, this may be my last chance. I don’t want to abort. I don’t. I will not.

–D!

–You know, I promise, I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t expect it, and I know this is not a soap opera, so don’t you worry about that.

–D. No. No, listen to me. (pause, they gaze at each other) I know you. I mean, I know it seems like it was such a short time since we know each other, but I know you. I do. And… knowing you, what you have been through, I would never, never ask something like that, such a thing from you. Never. I… I love you.

[D sobs]

–I do. Of course, of course I’m being me… I, I would have to talk with my manager, and publicists, or whatever, or whomever. I don’t know what people would say, what my friends or family would say. But I want you to have this baby. And I want to be together with you. I myself never thought this could happen, I never thought I would feel like this, that I could love like this. But I do. I love you and I… I’ve actually been hoping for an excuse so we could be together.

***

(in an interview in the future)

–and so it happened, God gave me just what I was asking for! I got my excuse.

***

And so it was that I ended up marrying after finding out about a baby coming, just like my mother. And just like that fortuneteller once told me, I married twice. But it didn’t happen in a stressed or sad way, under pressure or as if an obligation. It happened so that at 39, when hopes were almost up, I got a baby after all. He’d been waiting his whole life for me and I had been dreaming my whole life with him, so it was just right.

Low maintenance

So December was a month with a load of work, hardly any time to rest, I couldn’t get a break. In came 2018, and only now when I have time to stop and breathe in and out… do my resolutions continue to be the same as the previous few years? Let’s see.

Well, last year I was able to finish off a debt relating to that last university course I took (and did only half of it), which was mainly my number one and only goal. So, for this year, I was thinking in one big goal which is… play the ukulele. I know, it seems so easy and trivial, but I’ve been postponing it for some time already and I’ve always wanted to play an instrument, I need to have a new hobbie in my life and it may also help me when I’m down and depressed. By the end of December I’ve watched this swell movie, Sing Street, by John Carney, and I’ve renewed the wish to include more music in my life.

I actually like the thought that I could live by the beach, have more coconut water and fish in my diet (which are very good for a diabetic diet), maybe open a place and sing to guests once in a while. This is actually my retirement thoughts, but… oh, I wish I could trade my current life.

Yeah, another goal for my life this year is to lower the glucose level in my blood, keep it stable – and that is only possible with a controlled diet and some physical exercises.

In my imagined reality with L, one of his friends would actually call me a low maintenance girl. Asked by a curious reporter or journalist, he would describe me as a “spiritual guide”, and that I have not many material attachments. Like I don’t care about brands, expensive cars or fashion items. I wouldn’t wear much jewelry, and I would prefer to live in a small place, which would be easier to clean up. I would wear simple, organic or recycled clothes, and I wouldn’t need many different clothes, accessories, I wouldn’t wear makeup and neither would I need hair products.

So it’s not like Leo would spend too much on me, however, he would have offered me enough so I didn’t need to work with whatever just for keeps, enough to live the rest of my (low maintenance) life, that is, an opportunity to finally be free to do what I really wanted. In turn, I would help out making him having a more fulfilling life, to be more content.

Yesterday I’ve just lent an amount to my parents, who seem to be always in debt. But it’s ok, this year I will wear simple clothes, study at home, exercise at home, learn how to play the uke by YouTube videos, eat more vegetables and fruits (less fast food and restaurants), and gather money for a trip. What else?

Come to think of it, I still got like 25 years before retirement… I mean I never wanted to live that much, but let’s say I’ve got about that. When I was 20 years-old, I was so sure, so certain of what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. It’s very weird to now don’t know anything. I don’t know if I really want to be married and have kids. I’ve never wanted that, like many girls dream of. But I don’t know really what the next step is going to be. What can 2018 bring to me? Can I quit that job finally and move on to the next part of my life? Let’s stick with the ukulele for now.

Hugh Hefner successor

L- Are you f*cking kidding me? What the hell…

D- Why not? Think about it. You love the supermodels, you got money, fame, prestige, power… hmmm what else?

L- Budies?

D- Yeah, your boys. They would actually love that. Fancy parties, closed parties. Like that journalist wrote about his experience in one of Hefner’s parties, journalists also would be invited.

L- C’mon, D.

D- What? You would be the perfect person for that.

L- Do you really think I’m like that?

D- Oh, why not. You’re a man, you’re alive, you’re just enjoying life, right?

L- Why do I have the feeling that you’re actually just trying to make a point?

D- What’s the point, Leo? What’s the point of dating one beautiful young girl after another? As human beings we just have to accept that all of us get old, sick, eventually die.

L- Do you think this is it? The desire to be young forever? Was that so for Hefner, is that so for me?

D- This is also part of the buddhist teachings, that’s all I’m saying. To understand the human condition. To be able to detach from certain things is to be free from the suffering these attachments may cause. It’s ok to get old.

L- Do you think that’s why I party? I just like parties, why is that a problem?

D- I’m not saying it’s a problem. You deserve to be happy. But some things in this world are just temporary joy, it doesn’t last. And I want you to find true happiness, the everlasting happiness. So even after the party, you don’t feel like crap. And even when you feel like crap, it’s ok. True happiness is find joy even in face of bad or challenging situations. But we will get back to that some other day.

Main characters

D- But you had done that. It’s called “Before the flood”

L- Really? And it would be exactly like that?

D- Well, pretty much similar, yeah.

L- And you would go to the far corners of the world… you would go to the North Pole?

D- Baby, I would go to the North, the South, anywhere with you… what do you think I am? I’m not one of these gals just to go along with to… oh, ok, probably I wouldn’t go partying with you, I wouldn’t do the club scene.

L- whoa. Ok. But, then… so it would be, huh?

D- that’s right. We would be great. And nobody in the world would have a clue. They all would think I was only an assistant… or a type of consultant, your guru.

L- wow, guru! Ok. You do realize that Kate has married 3 times?

D- so?

L- well, then… you could marry like… 2 times.

D- (smile) Right.

L- yeah, we can do that.

D- Ok. We can try that, and if it doesn’t work into the story for any reason, somehow, we can try something else.

L- right. So… when we meet, I mean, D and Lenny. Lenny Wills? Lenny Williams?

D- sure! I like that. Obviously we would have a much more compatible numerology, but… Lenny Williams is a very significant name, it’s like a wink. To your fans, to those who know your history.

L- how about her? What’s gonna be her name? D-what? You can’t use your real name.

D- how about Daisy? I like that. The flowers. I like this idea since “You’ve got mail”.

L- because I used to like Meg Ryan?

D- used to?

L- Daisy is good for me. For now.

Soulmates?

L- Why would we be soulmates?

D- Because we would do things together, and together we would do things that are good for this world. Have you ever heard of that saying, that we are spiritual beings having a human experience?

L- Do you believe in that?

D- I do. Why not? Why limit ourselves to thinking that we are here and that this all there is? Why can’t we imagine there is something so bigger and more vast than our little selves? That we can exist in another way, in another type of life? And if everything is really just this, here, then… well, there was no harm in imagining something else.

L- This is your story? Is this your story?

D- Two souls that meet in a cosmic space struggling to find each other in this physical world.

L- Well, if you think about it, “Your name” was sort of like that.

D- Yeah. But I had the idea way, waaay back. And, of course, it would be played differently.

L- Of course.