Didn’t yesterday

L, Darling,

I wish I could have watched a movie yesterday. And written you. I remember there was a time when I thought about writing you a letter at least once a year, maybe on your birthday. Now I have this here and I can write everyday! Who reads letters these days anyway? Oh but there something so romantic about letters… If only I knew they would really reach you, I would write. But since it’s all the same, I’m just writing to this void out there, to this hope, to the memory of a feeling I created for and by myself… I’ll just write here.

Unfortunately, I didn’t watch one of your movies. I flew to the capital of Brazil, had a pretty busy day and by almost eleven when I got back to the hotel, I just fell asleep. Surely, thinking of you, since it was your day. Staying at hotels all by myself also always makes me think of you. 

I love to imagine how it would be to share a room with you, because in that old story of us we would be travelling all over the world for the series and at a certain point we would already be so acquainted that we could share a hotel room, staying up late talking about whatever until falling asleep. 

Well, I’m pretty sure you had a blast celebrating yet another year of life. I’m in an airplane returning to São Paulo right now, just wishing I could actually give you a hug. I’ll have to work tomorrow and then I have a few days off, maybe I’ll try a “marathon” of watching Game of Thrones through the night, maybe I’ll just try to get some rest.

But as always, I just wanted to say I love you. Despite it all (the universe, the impossibilities, everything). Above it all, through it all. And I miss you, so much, I miss this life I will never live, I miss all this that never happened, this life that have never been.

Nov 8, 2016

Dear L,

I cannot believe it! I’ve missed the days when “Before the flood” was open on different channels for anyone to watch it… Here in Brazil Nov 2nd is a day for the dead, people go visit the gravesites of their dear ones and as usual I had also pretty busy days. I also only read news of you once a month on IMDB, so there you go, I’ve missed it.

Also, I can’t believe it that Tobey is separating from Jen, my Gosh… to me Tobey was always such a nice family guy, he’s Cancer, and they have these cute kids, it’s a bummer. Meyer seems such a nice person, she has her own jewelry brand and all. Now what? Relationships are hard, but I really think when two people love each other they can make it work out. In fact, I know that celebrities marriages hardly ever last, but this year specifically I’ve heard so many news of break ups… it’s just sad. And I’m not talking only about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (deep in my heart I always thought it was a mistake him leaving Jen for this sexy lady, or whatever). But many couples, including one couple of journalists here in Brazil who used to present the most popular night news on open TV, for us they were legend, they had been together for 20 or more years, had triplets… oh well.

For some reason, I’ve always imagined that from all the members of your entourage I would be best friends with Tobey, so I guess in my imaginary world I would be talking more with Tobey than you for these past weeks even. Then went by Halloween and that crazy party by Hudson, and actually I’ve been enjoying myself in a better mood with better weather down here.

Last week there was a day off when it was really a pleasant day and I was actually imagining how it would be a regular day in “my life with LD”, by the time I would live in the pool house and would help out with the editing of that series about the environment and social initiatives around the globe. It felt nice.

The day would start with a sip of coffee and eggs with bacon, plus one orange – basically the breakfast I try to have often in my real life too. Then I would read the news online, reply to some emails. For snacks, I’d have some mixed nuts. I would do some stretching and sunbathe, swim a little and have a shower. Then I would have salad (or lots of vegetables) and fish for lunch. After, I would get some video editing done, would get some writing done (as for a new script), then I’d have some yogurt and I could go out for a walk. I could listen to music, play some ukulele. For dinner, probably I would have avocado in order to keep a good diet for my diabetes or I could even cook some pasta. I would have lemonade, watch a movie or an episode of a series.

Oh boy, that would be a perfect regular day.

Sure, everyday something new happens, from time to time a new event here and there. One has house duties, go to the supermarket, buy gifts and there are social gatherings to attend, there is also the spiritual side and all. It’s just nice to imagine if there was a “regular” day for some time, how would it be like for me.

I told my boss, by the way, that I don’t want to continue working at the temple anymore. I don’t know what will happen and I have no plans for another line of work or anything. I know I’ll never have that perfect regular day above… but aren’t we all human beings always in need to do something else, to renew ourselves, to readjust our gears and directions, reimagine possibilities?

 

 

Life is just plain?

Dear L,

it’s cloudy today and it was my day off. My day off on a Sunday. I hardly ever can get a day off on a Sunday, and maybe it’s the weather, but it saddened me that I didn’t do anything useful today. However, I mean, what is really a useful day?

I’ve had sex. I cooked soup. I’ve watched a movie. And I started wondering if a bunch of other people in L.A. (or any other place of the world, for that matter) also have a bunch of days like this, when you just do nothing and you kind of feel that you’ve wasted time, that you should be doing something important? Well, sure, everybody needs some time off once in a while. Not everyday can be a great day, a day you thought you contributed to the world or things of the like.

Then I wondered what could make me feel less “empty” (is that one of those times people want to get pregnant and have babies? or take a stupid decision in their lives, for the wrong reasons?). Perhaps I should really try to study over the week, learn an instrument (write songs would really make me feel good, I guess), try to go back to that stupid idea of writing a script. Not because I need it, I mean, not because I need money, or recognition or anything, just for the feeling of writing, just because it would be something I’d enjoy. How about it? I’ve spent lots of days off this year only watching a series or movies, and by the end of the day I still was not happy nor motivated. I know I have to deal with my everyday life, of a job I no longer enjoy or even like (only to think that tomorrow I have to be up in the morning and go to work already makes me sad), and the rest is just plain. There is my family and I feel I don’t have many friends (in fact, at this point of my life I find myself feeling I have no friends at all). There is my boyfriend. And it’s ok.

Should it be just like that? Now I’m thinking. Maybe I’m wanting too much for wanting something extra, something special, something I don’t even know. But maybe life is just like this, and I should just be glad and stop wanting to quit my job or having doubts about this guy being really the right one for me. Maybe I should just accept it, there is nothing more, there is nothing else. Life is just this really.

I know I’m 34 and it’s time to settle down. Stop these crazy dreams of traveling around the world, just work and deal with it because any work will be hard. Can I? I’ve never been like that. I’ve always went for what I wanted. But what is it really that I want now? I could actually be working only to save money to buy a house. But I can’t do this in this line of work I’m on now, and I don’t want to continue in this current work anymore. Well, at least I know what I do not want, right?

 

New beginnings

In the beginning of this year, I’ve deleted all the previous posts of this blog, in a attempt of starting out anew. I have tried before to write down imagined situations, conversations, comments on movies and sorts of various things. Including chest off notes, which perhaps I will continue, since the other blog I had can no longer contain certain thought, as they will be under scrutiny of eyes that do not understand myself entirely.

So, to begin again. I’ve known Leo for over 20 years. Oh, well, not the “real life” Leo you all know, as the famous Hollywood celebrity, but let’s just say I’ve created in my mind my own version of Leo, like a imaginary friend who had always been there (and maybe always will?). I was 14 years-old when I moved to Japan to live with my parents who happened to be working there. Before, I’ve lived in Brazil since I was born and by 12 years-old I had a first crush on Leo. I had seen him on “What’s eating Gilbert Grape?” (and honestly, I still believe he should’ve gotten an Academy Awards for that one). Then I saw a picture of him as his natural self in a teen magazine, and in the quick facts column I found out that his dream was to travel the world with a loved one and his favorite band was The Beatles. That was it for me. It didn’t took anything else to made me fall in love with him. It lasted two months.

Then things happen and I end up in Japan, with no social life, near my family but without any friends. So by 15 years-old what I had were dreams to make movies and to marry Leo some day. Yes, my friends, and this was all before Titanic.

Now? Well, over 20 years passed by and so many things happened. Leo and I both changed so much. I have no hopes of making movies anymore or marrying him, but I guess I need a new beginning. And a new beginning in this blog too.