In the past and back

From all the places I could write on today, this was the last one I thought I would. But here I am, rambling again. Today it is my one year wedding anniversary and all I can think of is how I have only truly loved Leo in my life.

Travelling back to the past, back there when I was 12 years-old only… I’ve met him, and it should’ve been like Blake, I should’ve dodged him for Bill, who was born on October 23 just like Reynolds. There was such a fleeing thing, there was the idea of making movies with Macaulay Culkin and Steven Spielberg. I was not able to escape LA airport as I’ve engineered, during my flight to Japan, in 1997. Such a believer I was!

By that time, “Romeo + Juliet” was still a big deal in Japan, and I fell back in love with Leo again. I had no choice. I should have studied in a Japanese school, lived that time in full, made new friends. Instead, I was trapped in my dream world and I really believed once that I could write scripts and get myself a manager in LA and a big studio and big money so I could live in Hollywood – I was only sixteen!

Then came “Titanic” and Leo was so adorable… but then came the “after-Titanic”, and for some time I’ve given up on him, Gisele just seemed perfect – and a Brazilian! What are the chances? I’ve worked, I got a boyfriend, who was Scorpio, and just fine, but I didn’t reeeaaally loved him. I came back to Brazil with a renewed dream, to take film school as graduation as “Central do Brasil” just made it, even into Japan, so there was a more real possibility for me than I ever thought there could be. Study in Brazil and then later in the future work in the industry.

However… I didn’t make it to those university courses. Come to think now, I should’ve taken those theater classes by 2003, and went on to try a dubbing career, something I would probably enjoy until this day. And when the second boyfriend came, we shared this passion for movies, we were young and we wanted to travel, to conquer the world. Nonetheless, despite suffering so hard and so long for this one, I can see I didn’t truly love him.

Leo is the only true love of my life. Even now, that I am married? Perhaps it’s shameful to admit it, but yes. Maybe because Leo represents this ideal of a lifetime, a life with movies, doing something I once believed I loved more than anything. And maybe there’s something else, because I don’t really care for the other big names of Hollywood. I mean, I once thought Elijah Wood was cute and I wanted to be good friends with Keanu Reeves. But not like this history with Leo (there are so many small touches post-Titanic and through the other movies). And I could never have guessed that this feeling would last for such a long time.

The old romantic-comedy belief that after all there are soulmates and everything will work out in the end. I still have it. And I’ve been thinking so much about him lately, maybe because it has always been my escape valve, from my current real world terms. This feeling have been increasing since the past few years, that I should’ve made other choices. Even the marriage thing. But we can’t go to the past, fix some points of our life and then come back to the future (is that why everyone loves the movie so much?).

For the past few days I went on this trip to Natal (Rio Grande do Norte, Brazil). And I am back. I’ve tried to deal with some unfinished business before the trip, so it would mark a time to start new things. Here I am, back to me trying to reinvent myself once more. This is the life I have now, what can I do from now on? I’ve made some mistakes, I’ve learned some things, I’ve regretted many others. But what is the life I want from now?

From my history with Leo I can tell that I can always refresh the story or create a new one. How we would meet, how we would end up being together and how we would together inspire the world even more.

So maybe I need this change in my life, I know my current job in essence is the same ideal, for the benefit of the world, but perhaps I just don’t belong to these strings and I can do good things too by other means.

Besides the paths we’ve already taken, we can refresh. We can rewrite some or write new stories.

Together with my current partner (who is not the ideal, no blue eyes nor blond hair, no Italian descendancy, not involved in movies at all) I can also try to do some good.

Or is it too far away from reality and I should conform myself to what I have? I know that gratitude is the most important, to be grateful for what you have and what you can do. Is it too bad to think that we can do more? To believe in something nicer? Am I dreaming too much again?

Recently I received a spiritual indication that made me reflect about not focusing on myself, or what I want, but what would make others happy. This is the basics for everything really in the buddhist teaching I follow. And I thought about my family and friends, and I was wondering… that they also want to see me happy. This would make them happy too. For many years I have given up my dreams and for some time I have really tried to conform myself, which has been making me miserable, and that’s something I guess the others around me don’t want to see either.

What if everything falls apart? If I fail and I’ll become miserable again, and regret it? Well, as I said, I had many regrets. But this is living, isn’t it?

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more for less

Today I read this post from a blog I followed that brought daily messages of inspiration from several different contributors, bringing us “seeds for life”. The title of the post was that sometimes we need changes. And the blog is about to end, exactly because the author needs change.

I thought that this year I would change. Just the day before yesterday I was saddened by a situation which made me rethink all the other recent downturns again. Like I’ve been wanting to go to Japan for a training since last year and it doesn’t seem to ever go right, then I thought about going to Hawaii, but I didn’t really decide and my chance was gone again. Then, the things that I set myself to do this year – get more in touch with friends, exercise more and have a healthy diet, finish that book review so I could get started on my own projects, and most recently, giving a step forward by getting our own place to live. Our own apartment seemed possible, but then we were stopped by this spiritual guidance and… suddenly I’m just feeling tired again. Like we’ve been running in circles and went back to where we were, and got stuck.

So what’s better place to get it off my chest other than this secret blog that almost no one reads? My personal secret therapy?

Here’s to mourn the frustration. I’m over 30 and I never felt so lost in my life. At my 20’s I knew exactly what I wanted, my dreams, where I wanted to be, what I wanted to achieve. And I hear you, I hear all the signs around me saying I should be thankful, talking about being content with what you have, saying thanks everyday. Sure, it sounds so easy. But when it comes to the daily real deal, the truth is that I wonder if that’s it, really, that’s all we’ve got? This is as good as it gets?

I should be grateful because I have a job, and I can pay my bills. And? Nothing else? I shouldn’t wish for anything else in this life?

Last month I got so sick, I was basically sick the whole month. And now again, in May, I got sick for a few days again, with a cold. And thinking it over, I really don’t think it’s only the weather. I believe this was the result of months trying to hold back, trying to keep it cool, then my body just collapsed, couldn’t take it anymore. It was the burst of all the stress it’d been accumulating, and fatigue, and so and so.

I guess I shouldn’t wish for anything else. Who said my life would be easier if I quit this job? Probably I would find other new problems again, because this is the human life really, it will probably only be more difficult to make a living. But, oh boy, I did wish.

I wish I could open a cafe, and sing a few songs on my uke there. And that I could live by the beach, drink coconut water everyday and watch the sunset by the sea. I wish I’d have a life with less pressure and worries, slower in motion and demands. Don’t human beings do too much? We do so much, but how much is it really for more happiness? Shouldn’t we do more to have more happiness in the world, for us, for other living beings in this planet, for nature, for our future generations? Instead of generating more unhappiness. It seems like we’re doing so much for wars, for crimes, for money, for one being better than the other, why is that?

Why? Why can’t we work less? Have less demands? Cause less damages to others, and the world. Make less money. Have less things to buy. Have less white sugar, less meat. Have less things to worry about.

I don’t know. I’m getting concerned with my health. And I believe this is not only my problem, it seems this is a general occurrence of today’s society.

I wish we had more changes.

***

And so, Leo, we would eat fruits, vegetables, our kids would have a more organic and natural diet. And we would make some movies to inspire, that series too. We would travel, watch movies, sing together (as a family, you and me, and our kids), enjoy more life and work less. Or, well, work would be something we love, so it wouldn’t be a burden. Such would be our accomplishments and our passage in this world.

Another thought about a baby

It started out with me being sick. The beginning of this month I got sick for a few weeks and the beginning of this year I’ve been rethinking my life possibilities. I wanted to act on something, and I said to myself I would finish an unfinished business and then I would move on. I would go more towards what makes me happy and less under an “obligation”. So I was rethinking the paradigm, how was that life plan. Our life plan. It changes, of course, I get old and I guess the dreams have to adapt to times.

Amidst thinking I never wanted to get married in the first place, and I never wanted a baby… and thinking about new possibilities for the life I still have to live (about the past we can’t go back, we can’t do anything anymore about it). So I did get married. And why? Because at the time, I believed this person could be someone to walk along the path with, and we can do some good things together.

In my new plans, we get more involved in music. What was not imaginable before, when I was still on my 10’s, on my 15’s, on my 19’s, now it is possible, we have social networks, we have YouTube. So I didn’t study Japanese back then, and I didn’t take theater classes, and I didn’t go to work with dubbing. But I do have this spiritual path I believe in, and I do have time to study Japanese yet. Music is something I still can learn and it can bring me happiness. Writing is something I still can do (until the end of my life I can, actually, no?). I could consider I still have like half of a life to live.

So what if…

I did get to learn a musical instrument and send out to the world some messages of inspiration, so we can be more aware and work towards a better world, with more friendship, true love, valuing the simple things, being thankful, just living better. Some animated video clips, as I’ve always enjoyed animation. Besides getting to know new places often and sharing it with people, besides getting more in touch with friends, and maybe making new friends.

We would’ve tried to have a baby, for three years. I would be getting older, things wouldn’t work out so well anymore. I would start writing again. And we would split up. And I would get into a project with Leo. And we would end up getting involved. Not to the public eye, for sure, they would never imagine so, I’m not his type, I would be like his spiritual guru, I wouldn’t give any interviews.

***

–It’s very unexpected. I mean, that night, I just let myself… and I would’ve never guessed. I mean, we have tried. Three years, and nothing. And… who could ever think it would be possible?

–Wait. Are you telling me you’re pregnant?

–Listen, I understand, ok. I know you are a public person, and I… I will understand if you want to have nothing, no strings attached to me, no relation to me… I totally get it. I will not ask anything of you, and I can pretend… I just made that baby by myself.

–You made a baby by yourself? How’s… that even possible?

–Well, you know, like these modern moms, they do treatment, they get an anonymous donation of a semen, or things of the like… So you don’t have to worry about that, I just… I’m just saying, I’m 39 years-old, this may be my last chance. I don’t want to abort. I don’t. I will not.

–D!

–You know, I promise, I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t expect it, and I know this is not a soap opera, so don’t you worry about that.

–D. No. No, listen to me. (pause, they gaze at each other) I know you. I mean, I know it seems like it was such a short time since we know each other, but I know you. I do. And… knowing you, what you have been through, I would never, never ask something like that, such a thing from you. Never. I… I love you.

[D sobs]

–I do. Of course, of course I’m being me… I, I would have to talk with my manager, and publicists, or whatever, or whomever. I don’t know what people would say, what my friends or family would say. But I want you to have this baby. And I want to be together with you. I myself never thought this could happen, I never thought I would feel like this, that I could love like this. But I do. I love you and I… I’ve actually been hoping for an excuse so we could be together.

***

(in an interview in the future)

–and so it happened, God gave me just what I was asking for! I got my excuse.

***

And so it was that I ended up marrying after finding out about a baby coming, just like my mother. And just like that fortuneteller once told me, I married twice. But it didn’t happen in a stressed or sad way, under pressure or as if an obligation. It happened so that at 39, when hopes were almost up, I got a baby after all. He’d been waiting his whole life for me and I had been dreaming my whole life with him, so it was just right.

The year of the dog

It’s the end of a Carnival holiday here in Brazil. While most people had a 5 day off to party out, I actually had 3 days off – which is actually good, considering I’ve been feeling I can’t rest much, since months ago. Well, this is a problem, actually. I take days off, but I don’t feel rested, do you know? I don’t feel relief.

Instead, I get anxious about all the workload I will have when I come back, and that horrible feeling of not wanting to go to bed so I won’t have to wake up to another day and have to go back to work.

These past weeks I have been thinking about my past, this February we had a traditional celebration to toss “beans” as a symbol of bringing in good fortune for the year, and those who threw the beans were of the year of the Dog, according to the Chinese zodiac. Well, I am of the year of the Dog, and so it happens that from 12 to 12 years, it’s “my year”. So I was thinking back. Like, when I was 12 years old, how was it? My life, I mean. And at 24? I’ll be 36 this year and it should be a good year, if I am to compare.

At 12 years-old, I fell in love for the first time. Also, it was the year I changed schools, I “met” Leo for the first time. What else? I don’t know why, but I have the heart-memory that it was a good year. Then, in 2006, I started out in Disney World (I was working there at the time), the fireworks were beautiful. I got a new boyfriend, and I really thought he was the one. I thought I would have to go to Japan, but fortunately I got a new job, in a field I was expecting to find work (translation, at the time). I went to Japan. It was a nice year.

Now… Ellen DeGeneres is 60, oh my. I once believed I was going to make movies with Spielberg, but he’s old too. And so am I.

Oh, yes, I’ve read about your new model and the DaVinci movie. That’s nice. The DaVinci movie, I mean.

Last week I made a small trip and I had one of those L&D moments. I also watched a movie, Hungarian contender this year for the Academy Awards, called “On body and soul”. I once had a thought for a movie that it was like that: two strangers having the same dream. Of course, my story would play out differently than it was this one. But I guess, in that hotel room, that morning, I just remembered I would still like to do a movie about this.

This year I’ll be 36 and not at all where I dreamed I would be at. I would be having kids by now. I would have won Oscars by now. So at which point of my past would I return and change it all? This morning I was wondering.

However, I can’t change the past, and this is the life I have now.

At 12, I was at a new school, I found an important love for my life. At 24, I was at a new job, I found an important love for my life. This is the year of the dog. It should bring changes, it should be good for my love life. Well? How is it going to be? I guess it depends on me. It depended on me to live love. To go and not be afraid of the challenges, get some things new into my life. Let’s see.

Still about “Coco”

I was suddenly writing a song today and now at the evening I was thinking of “Coco” (2017)**** again. It’s such a colorful movie, it deals with traditions and ancestors, respecting memory and the elderly, it’s a thrilling joy to follow the journey of that little boy Miguel.

And he loves music so much, it’s just part of him. I once had big dreams too, and I was so sure of what made me happy, like Miguel I would probably go until the land of the dead if necessary, would do anything to find the person who would grant me the freedom to do whatever I wanted, what I really wanted of my life.

Lately, I’ve been moving on to some other thing I really always wanted to have more in my life: music. Perhaps, as I said before somewhere, some time, a new sparkle, to keep going.

Obviously I should have done that when I was in my twenties, I should have continued the theater classes and made my way to dubbing. But I guess music is something never too late, for anybody? And it’s not like I’m aiming to be a professional, or have a million dollars or a million likes. No, not at all. It’s just to soothe my soul, that has been wandering and floating for so long in less than a wishful thinking.

On another blog I was reading about how many people spend their lives not knowing what they want. That se should be bold and strong if we knew what we love or makes our hearts… sing?

It’s Sunday afternoon

It’s Sunday afternoon and I’ve asked for a day off today. I had a pretty full month of December, then we started out this period of training (and we’re still in the middle period), then I had two days off. But I still wanted more. In fact, I wanted everyday to be a Sunday afternoon.

The Academy Awards nominees were announced last Jan. 23 and I’ve began my annual routine of trying to watch all the movies at least nominated for best picture. Why do I still do this? Why do I do it at all? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the time of the year when I will most certainly watch films that are good, with some rare exception, and I’ll be forgetting a little about my petty life.

And maybe I could even wonder about the movies I myself could make, or help to see it through. Yesterday I went for “Coco” which is just a sweet thing and I was wondering today that I would be happy, even if it was a job only to paint a little part of one sequence of this amazing movie. I think I’m getting old and more and more I want less. Like, I really would be happy just doing that. When I was on my twenties, I would probably want to do this and that movie, I would want to change the world. Now? I could only be a part of this great universe and do something simple and just content myself with this.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons I still wanna quit my current job. It’s too much psychological pressure, it’s such a responsibility and so much we should respond to, it’s so many headaches and hurt pride, and embarrassment and feelings of being a weak person – like a very bad episode of “Black Mirror”. That feeling.

Now, at this point of my life, I just wanted it simpler. I could sell coconut water at the beach and that would be ok.

I was also reading today about this family who lives with almost no generation of garbage, and that would be so great! Less consumption, less damage to the planet, a simpler way of life. I wanted that too.

I honestly think that we human beings had complicated it too much. Do we really need to work that much? Do we really need to be so fast and furious? Why can’t we just live healthly?

For the past 8 years I almost had no free Sundays. How would it be my Sunday, even if I was living with Leo? I would probably want to lazily wake up to the sun, have a walk outside, write a friend or two, have coconut water, read something good, write a little, play some ukulele, play with the pets, hug my partner, say hi to my mom, have a tasty dinner, watch a nice movie, take a nice shower, breathe in deeply with satisfaction and go to bed.

How can I reach everyday Sunday?

Low maintenance

So December was a month with a load of work, hardly any time to rest, I couldn’t get a break. In came 2018, and only now when I have time to stop and breathe in and out… do my resolutions continue to be the same as the previous few years? Let’s see.

Well, last year I was able to finish off a debt relating to that last university course I took (and did only half of it), which was mainly my number one and only goal. So, for this year, I was thinking in one big goal which is… play the ukulele. I know, it seems so easy and trivial, but I’ve been postponing it for some time already and I’ve always wanted to play an instrument, I need to have a new hobbie in my life and it may also help me when I’m down and depressed. By the end of December I’ve watched this swell movie, Sing Street, by John Carney, and I’ve renewed the wish to include more music in my life.

I actually like the thought that I could live by the beach, have more coconut water and fish in my diet (which are very good for a diabetic diet), maybe open a place and sing to guests once in a while. This is actually my retirement thoughts, but… oh, I wish I could trade my current life.

Yeah, another goal for my life this year is to lower the glucose level in my blood, keep it stable – and that is only possible with a controlled diet and some physical exercises.

In my imagined reality with L, one of his friends would actually call me a low maintenance girl. Asked by a curious reporter or journalist, he would describe me as a “spiritual guide”, and that I have not many material attachments. Like I don’t care about brands, expensive cars or fashion items. I wouldn’t wear much jewelry, and I would prefer to live in a small place, which would be easier to clean up. I would wear simple, organic or recycled clothes, and I wouldn’t need many different clothes, accessories, I wouldn’t wear makeup and neither would I need hair products.

So it’s not like Leo would spend too much on me, however, he would have offered me enough so I didn’t need to work with whatever just for keeps, enough to live the rest of my (low maintenance) life, that is, an opportunity to finally be free to do what I really wanted. In turn, I would help out making him having a more fulfilling life, to be more content.

Yesterday I’ve just lent an amount to my parents, who seem to be always in debt. But it’s ok, this year I will wear simple clothes, study at home, exercise at home, learn how to play the uke by YouTube videos, eat more vegetables and fruits (less fast food and restaurants), and gather money for a trip. What else?

Come to think of it, I still got like 25 years before retirement… I mean I never wanted to live that much, but let’s say I’ve got about that. When I was 20 years-old, I was so sure, so certain of what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. It’s very weird to now don’t know anything. I don’t know if I really want to be married and have kids. I’ve never wanted that, like many girls dream of. But I don’t know really what the next step is going to be. What can 2018 bring to me? Can I quit that job finally and move on to the next part of my life? Let’s stick with the ukulele for now.