Low maintenance

So December was a month with a load of work, hardly any time to rest, I couldn’t get a break. In came 2018, and only now when I have time to stop and breathe in and out… do my resolutions continue to be the same as the previous few years? Let’s see.

Well, last year I was able to finish off a debt relating to that last university course I took (and did only half of it), which was mainly my number one and only goal. So, for this year, I was thinking in one big goal which is… play the ukulele. I know, it seems so easy and trivial, but I’ve been postponing it for some time already and I’ve always wanted to play an instrument, I need to have a new hobbie in my life and it may also help me when I’m down and depressed. By the end of December I’ve watched this swell movie, Sing Street, by John Carney, and I’ve renewed the wish to include more music in my life.

I actually like the thought that I could live by the beach, have more coconut water and fish in my diet (which are very good for a diabetic diet), maybe open a place and sing to guests once in a while. This is actually my retirement thoughts, but… oh, I wish I could trade my current life.

Yeah, another goal for my life this year is to lower the glucose level in my blood, keep it stable – and that is only possible with a controlled diet and some physical exercises.

In my imagined reality with L, one of his friends would actually call me a low maintenance girl. Asked by a curious reporter or journalist, he would describe me as a “spiritual guide”, and that I have not many material attachments. Like I don’t care about brands, expensive cars or fashion items. I wouldn’t wear much jewelry, and I would prefer to live in a small place, which would be easier to clean up. I would wear simple, organic or recycled clothes, and I wouldn’t need many different clothes, accessories, I wouldn’t wear makeup and neither would I need hair products.

So it’s not like Leo would spend too much on me, however, he would have offered me enough so I didn’t need to work with whatever just for keeps, enough to live the rest of my (low maintenance) life, that is, an opportunity to finally be free to do what I really wanted. In turn, I would help out making him having a more fulfilling life, to be more content.

Yesterday I’ve just lent an amount to my parents, who seem to be always in debt. But it’s ok, this year I will wear simple clothes, study at home, exercise at home, learn how to play the uke by YouTube videos, eat more vegetables and fruits (less fast food and restaurants), and gather money for a trip. What else?

Come to think of it, I still got like 25 years before retirement… I mean I never wanted to live that much, but let’s say I’ve got about that. When I was 20 years-old, I was so sure, so certain of what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. It’s very weird to now don’t know anything. I don’t know if I really want to be married and have kids. I’ve never wanted that, like many girls dream of. But I don’t know really what the next step is going to be. What can 2018 bring to me? Can I quit that job finally and move on to the next part of my life? Let’s stick with the ukulele for now.

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Hugh Hefner successor

L- Are you f*cking kidding me? What the hell…

D- Why not? Think about it. You love the supermodels, you got money, fame, prestige, power… hmmm what else?

L- Budies?

D- Yeah, your boys. They would actually love that. Fancy parties, closed parties. Like that journalist wrote about his experience in one of Hefner’s parties, journalists also would be invited.

L- C’mon, D.

D- What? You would be the perfect person for that.

L- Do you really think I’m like that?

D- Oh, why not. You’re a man, you’re alive, you’re just enjoying life, right?

L- Why do I have the feeling that you’re actually just trying to make a point?

D- What’s the point, Leo? What’s the point of dating one beautiful young girl after another? As human beings we just have to accept that all of us get old, sick, eventually die.

L- Do you think this is it? The desire to be young forever? Was that so for Hefner, is that so for me?

D- This is also part of the buddhist teachings, that’s all I’m saying. To understand the human condition. To be able to detach from certain things is to be free from the suffering these attachments may cause. It’s ok to get old.

L- Do you think that’s why I party? I just like parties, why is that a problem?

D- I’m not saying it’s a problem. You deserve to be happy. But some things in this world are just temporary joy, it doesn’t last. And I want you to find true happiness, the everlasting happiness. So even after the party, you don’t feel like crap. And even when you feel like crap, it’s ok. True happiness is find joy even in face of bad or challenging situations. But we will get back to that some other day.

Main characters

D- But you had done that. It’s called “Before the flood”

L- Really? And it would be exactly like that?

D- Well, pretty much similar, yeah.

L- And you would go to the far corners of the world… you would go to the North Pole?

D- Baby, I would go to the North, the South, anywhere with you… what do you think I am? I’m not one of these gals just to go along with to… oh, ok, probably I wouldn’t go partying with you, I wouldn’t do the club scene.

L- whoa. Ok. But, then… so it would be, huh?

D- that’s right. We would be great. And nobody in the world would have a clue. They all would think I was only an assistant… or a type of consultant, your guru.

L- wow, guru! Ok. You do realize that Kate has married 3 times?

D- so?

L- well, then… you could marry like… 2 times.

D- (smile) Right.

L- yeah, we can do that.

D- Ok. We can try that, and if it doesn’t work into the story for any reason, somehow, we can try something else.

L- right. So… when we meet, I mean, D and Lenny. Lenny Wills? Lenny Williams?

D- sure! I like that. Obviously we would have a much more compatible numerology, but… Lenny Williams is a very significant name, it’s like a wink. To your fans, to those who know your history.

L- how about her? What’s gonna be her name? D-what? You can’t use your real name.

D- how about Daisy? I like that. The flowers. I like this idea since “You’ve got mail”.

L- because I used to like Meg Ryan?

D- used to?

L- Daisy is good for me. For now.

Soulmates?

L- Why would we be soulmates?

D- Because we would do things together, and together we would do things that are good for this world. Have you ever heard of that saying, that we are spiritual beings having a human experience?

L- Do you believe in that?

D- I do. Why not? Why limit ourselves to thinking that we are here and that this all there is? Why can’t we imagine there is something so bigger and more vast than our little selves? That we can exist in another way, in another type of life? And if everything is really just this, here, then… well, there was no harm in imagining something else.

L- This is your story? Is this your story?

D- Two souls that meet in a cosmic space struggling to find each other in this physical world.

L- Well, if you think about it, “Your name” was sort of like that.

D- Yeah. But I had the idea way, waaay back. And, of course, it would be played differently.

L- Of course.

Reach bottom to rise up

I didn’t want to feel like this. A few weeks ago I was again questioning myself. What is it that I want? I say I don’t want this job anymore, that I wanted to create nice stories and things that will inspire people, make people happier. This was the original dream. I gave up. Cause I don’t believe I’m ever going to accomplish it. I thought once I could do it. But perhaps I can’t. So what is left for me to do in this world?

“What do you want, D?”, I ask myself. And I always say “I don’t want anything”. Anymore.

So I know that I gotta wake up early tomorrow morning and forget about any of the dreams I once had or might still have and go on through the day, one more day, every day.

Well, some say that it’s when you reach the bottom that you can go up, because there is nowhere else to go. Perhaps this is the beginning. Again. When you start a new movement in your life. Not because you need to. But because you need to.

October 23 and Blake’s

When I was 12 years old, I fell in love for the first time (in real life). He was a blond, thin little guy and his birthday was on October 23. I was too shy by then and I never got the guts to tell him I was in love with him, and after a year in our school, he went to study some place else, then I’ve never met him again.

Yesterday I’ve noticed that it was Ryan Reynold’s birthday and he is now happily married to Blake Lively, whose birth date I share. It got me thinking… would things have been different if I had the guts by that time to speak out and we could have been together, maybe my first boyfriend?

That year in 1994 was also when I first saw you in a magazine, and I also fell for you at first sight. I remember for some time I thought that my destiny was to be with a Scorpio, since then I’ve had a Scorpio boyfriend and fell for other Scorpios too. Now there are rumors out there you and Toni may be together and I learned she is a Cancer, as Gisele, the one and only gal you took to the Oscar red carpet in your arms. Do you think you are destined for Cancer?

I know you have dated Blake for a while too and I wonder how good was it? Well, sure, horoscope don’t make the same people, there are just a few traits we would share. But my husband is a Tiger in Chinese horoscope, as you are. But he is Aquarius. And sure there is the environment, how we were raised, what we believe and want out of life, what kind of problems we’ve had to face throughout our lives…

The day before yesterday I was too tired at night and I ended up watching Shutter Island, which was on TV. I remember the first time I’ve watched this movie, how I was impressed by the scene when your character is holding his wife, and he really don’t want to let her go, but she vanishes only for him to wake up. In another scene they both repeat “I love you, I love you so much”. And it was just like that in our “mystical” encounters (I’ll just call it like this from now on). Of course in the movie the background story was so much more sad, with death, crime, craziness, her driving him mad. And right by the end, we wonder: maybe he just choose to continue believing in the story he created, which was better to him than reality.

In that order, I feel like writing here. An imagined story, imagined scenes. I didn’t keep any records of the life we’ve lived in my imagination while I was living in Japan, from 1997 to 1999. This was when Titanic came and I thought Gisele was the one, and I gave up. But I can create a new story now, and I don’t know how long it will last, but I’ll write. If this will give me more joy while living my “real life”. It will be under the category “My life with LD”.

 

What were we talking about really?

I’ve recently erased a blog where I used to write about things I usually can’t talk about with anybody, and it was mainly about romantic afflictions, hurt and pain, sorrow and dreamy smiles. I thought “this is it”, now it’s another time of my life. I got married and so a new time, when I have to think of other things – a house, kids…

And then… what were we talking about yesterday? As usual, I guess we were talking about nothing. And it was such a long time we had one of these conversations, right? I mean, it can last just a few minutes, but it is one of the rare moments in this life of mine when I get my heart touched deep inside. Perhaps when I’m essentially me, only this.

I don’t know. I guess I am again going through this moment when I keep thinking that this is not the life I was supposed to be living. While I should be grateful, for everything. For having a nice husband, currently we don’t have money problems, I’m healthy enough to go to work, and I can actually do different things at work that once I wanted to do (like video editing, for example). But I don’t feel it. I don’t know why. I wish I could just don’t care about anything else and that I could simply feel happy. But I don’t.

Is it the movies? Because I always wanted to do this and I ended up not doing anything about it. Like I was watching Rocky (1976) the other day. He is a fighter and he tried to have a small living, but he just couldn’t be too far away from that world.

Is it Leo? I’ve completely given up, and the other day I was watching Your name (2016), about the crossing of time and space and love that surpasses it all.

I don’t know. I’ve been struggling with diabetes, trying to have a better diet. I keep telling myself I should study Japanese and try my hand at an instrument. But it doesn’t matter how many diversions I try to impose myself, I can’t get rid of the feeling I don’t want to continue working at the temple anymore. I wanted to do something else. It’s been 7 years I’ve been at this work, and from time to time I just keep thinking I just can’t, I just don’t wanna do it anymore. I can’t have days off, because this is the only thought that crosses my mind. And then what, I will quit and do what? I was re-reading some posts here and it seems nothing changed since last year.

Today I’ve read some of your news. The Theodore Roosevelt project, the fundraising because of hurricanes, you and Kate at St Tropez, you and Toni back together?, your statement about the recent news of sexual harassment on Weistein.

And I was reminded that it’s been a while since I last wrote here, and last read some of your news. On my birthday, August this year, I was finally able to watch Before the flood – I was all alone for my birthday this year, with a pizza. It was cool, I actually enjoyed it. Watching you on screen, meeting those important people and places, and it even gave out some tips on what we regular people could do (like eating less red meat 😉

So the past months I’ve been reading a lot about diabetes and trying to control it better. And did I tell you that my husband is also a Tiger in Chinese horoscope? So sometimes I think “would Leo do that too?”. But I wouldn’t want to exchange places with you like in Your name. I’d just like to live some things with you. I wonder if this would make me feel less unhappy? Probably not.

Maybe if I could write everyday about something good. Write about movies to get people inspired? Maybe if I could travel the world and share experiences and thoughts? Maybe if I could write songs?

It’s really hard to be content. In the beginning of last year I decided that “that was it” for the movies in my life. That I had to work hard and be content and satisfied with what life gave me. And I’ve been trying. To just let it be lived. This life of mine.

I had so many dreams that never came true. But is it really what I want? This job, a house, kids? I guess having erased that other blog, this is my new place to just talk randomly. But sometimes we don’t really need everything to make sense, do we? We just need to talk about nothing.