Another thought about a baby

It started out with me being sick. The beginning of this month I got sick for a few weeks and the beginning of this year I’ve been rethinking my life possibilities. I wanted to act on something, and I said to myself I would finish an unfinished business and then I would move on. I would go more towards what makes me happy and less under an “obligation”. So I was rethinking the paradigm, how was that life plan. Our life plan. It changes, of course, I get old and I guess the dreams have to adapt to times.

Amidst thinking I never wanted to get married in the first place, and I never wanted a baby… and thinking about new possibilities for the life I still have to live (about the past we can’t go back, we can’t do anything anymore about it). So I did get married. And why? Because at the time, I believed this person could be someone to walk along the path with, and we can do some good things together.

In my new plans, we get more involved in music. What was not imaginable before, when I was still on my 10’s, on my 15’s, on my 19’s, now it is possible, we have social networks, we have YouTube. So I didn’t study Japanese back then, and I didn’t take theater classes, and I didn’t go to work with dubbing. But I do have this spiritual path I believe in, and I do have time to study Japanese yet. Music is something I still can learn and it can bring me happiness. Writing is something I still can do (until the end of my life I can, actually, no?). I could consider I still have like half of a life to live.

So what if…

I did get to learn a musical instrument and send out to the world some messages of inspiration, so we can be more aware and work towards a better world, with more friendship, true love, valuing the simple things, being thankful, just living better. Some animated video clips, as I’ve always enjoyed animation. Besides getting to know new places often and sharing it with people, besides getting more in touch with friends, and maybe making new friends.

We would’ve tried to have a baby, for three years. I would be getting older, things wouldn’t work out so well anymore. I would start writing again. And we would split up. And I would get into a project with Leo. And we would end up getting involved. Not to the public eye, for sure, they would never imagine so, I’m not his type, I would be like his spiritual guru, I wouldn’t give any interviews.

***

–It’s very unexpected. I mean, that night, I just let myself… and I would’ve never guessed. I mean, we have tried. Three years, and nothing. And… who could ever think it would be possible?

–Wait. Are you telling me you’re pregnant?

–Listen, I understand, ok. I know you are a public person, and I… I will understand if you want to have nothing, no strings attached to me, no relation to me… I totally get it. I will not ask anything of you, and I can pretend… I just made that baby by myself.

–You made a baby by yourself? How’s… that even possible?

–Well, you know, like these modern moms, they do treatment, they get an anonymous donation of a semen, or things of the like… So you don’t have to worry about that, I just… I’m just saying, I’m 39 years-old, this may be my last chance. I don’t want to abort. I don’t. I will not.

–D!

–You know, I promise, I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t expect it, and I know this is not a soap opera, so don’t you worry about that.

–D. No. No, listen to me. (pause, they gaze at each other) I know you. I mean, I know it seems like it was such a short time since we know each other, but I know you. I do. And… knowing you, what you have been through, I would never, never ask something like that, such a thing from you. Never. I… I love you.

[D sobs]

–I do. Of course, of course I’m being me… I, I would have to talk with my manager, and publicists, or whatever, or whomever. I don’t know what people would say, what my friends or family would say. But I want you to have this baby. And I want to be together with you. I myself never thought this could happen, I never thought I would feel like this, that I could love like this. But I do. I love you and I… I’ve actually been hoping for an excuse so we could be together.

***

(in an interview in the future)

–and so it happened, God gave me just what I was asking for! I got my excuse.

***

And so it was that I ended up marrying after finding out about a baby coming, just like my mother. And just like that fortuneteller once told me, I married twice. But it didn’t happen in a stressed or sad way, under pressure or as if an obligation. It happened so that at 39, when hopes were almost up, I got a baby after all. He’d been waiting his whole life for me and I had been dreaming my whole life with him, so it was just right.

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