October 23 and Blake’s

When I was 12 years old, I fell in love for the first time (in real life). He was a blond, thin little guy and his birthday was on October 23. I was too shy by then and I never got the guts to tell him I was in love with him, and after a year in our school, he went to study some place else, then I’ve never met him again.

Yesterday I’ve noticed that it was Ryan Reynold’s birthday and he is now happily married to Blake Lively, whose birth date I share. It got me thinking… would things have been different if I had the guts by that time to speak out and we could have been together, maybe my first boyfriend?

That year in 1994 was also when I first saw you in a magazine, and I also fell for you at first sight. I remember for some time I thought that my destiny was to be with a Scorpio, since then I’ve had a Scorpio boyfriend and fell for other Scorpios too. Now there are rumors out there you and Toni may be together and I learned she is a Cancer, as Gisele, the one and only gal you took to the Oscar red carpet in your arms. Do you think you are destined for Cancer?

I know you have dated Blake for a while too and I wonder how good was it? Well, sure, horoscope don’t make the same people, there are just a few traits we would share. But my husband is a Tiger in Chinese horoscope, as you are. But he is Aquarius. And sure there is the environment, how we were raised, what we believe and want out of life, what kind of problems we’ve had to face throughout our lives…

The day before yesterday I was too tired at night and I ended up watching Shutter Island, which was on TV. I remember the first time I’ve watched this movie, how I was impressed by the scene when your character is holding his wife, and he really don’t want to let her go, but she vanishes only for him to wake up. In another scene they both repeat “I love you, I love you so much”. And it was just like that in our “mystical” encounters (I’ll just call it like this from now on). Of course in the movie the background story was so much more sad, with death, crime, craziness, her driving him mad. And right by the end, we wonder: maybe he just choose to continue believing in the story he created, which was better to him than reality.

In that order, I feel like writing here. An imagined story, imagined scenes. I didn’t keep any records of the life we’ve lived in my imagination while I was living in Japan, from 1997 to 1999. This was when Titanic came and I thought Gisele was the one, and I gave up. But I can create a new story now, and I don’t know how long it will last, but I’ll write. If this will give me more joy while living my “real life”. It will be under the category “My life with LD”.

 

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What were we talking about really?

I’ve recently erased a blog where I used to write about things I usually can’t talk about with anybody, and it was mainly about romantic afflictions, hurt and pain, sorrow and dreamy smiles. I thought “this is it”, now it’s another time of my life. I got married and so a new time, when I have to think of other things – a house, kids…

And then… what were we talking about yesterday? As usual, I guess we were talking about nothing. And it was such a long time we had one of these conversations, right? I mean, it can last just a few minutes, but it is one of the rare moments in this life of mine when I get my heart touched deep inside. Perhaps when I’m essentially me, only this.

I don’t know. I guess I am again going through this moment when I keep thinking that this is not the life I was supposed to be living. While I should be grateful, for everything. For having a nice husband, currently we don’t have money problems, I’m healthy enough to go to work, and I can actually do different things at work that once I wanted to do (like video editing, for example). But I don’t feel it. I don’t know why. I wish I could just don’t care about anything else and that I could simply feel happy. But I don’t.

Is it the movies? Because I always wanted to do this and I ended up not doing anything about it. Like I was watching Rocky (1976) the other day. He is a fighter and he tried to have a small living, but he just couldn’t be too far away from that world.

Is it Leo? I’ve completely given up, and the other day I was watching Your name (2016), about the crossing of time and space and love that surpasses it all.

I don’t know. I’ve been struggling with diabetes, trying to have a better diet. I keep telling myself I should study Japanese and try my hand at an instrument. But it doesn’t matter how many diversions I try to impose myself, I can’t get rid of the feeling I don’t want to continue working at the temple anymore. I wanted to do something else. It’s been 7 years I’ve been at this work, and from time to time I just keep thinking I just can’t, I just don’t wanna do it anymore. I can’t have days off, because this is the only thought that crosses my mind. And then what, I will quit and do what? I was re-reading some posts here and it seems nothing changed since last year.

Today I’ve read some of your news. The Theodore Roosevelt project, the fundraising because of hurricanes, you and Kate at St Tropez, you and Toni back together?, your statement about the recent news of sexual harassment on Weistein.

And I was reminded that it’s been a while since I last wrote here, and last read some of your news. On my birthday, August this year, I was finally able to watch Before the flood – I was all alone for my birthday this year, with a pizza. It was cool, I actually enjoyed it. Watching you on screen, meeting those important people and places, and it even gave out some tips on what we regular people could do (like eating less red meat 😉

So the past months I’ve been reading a lot about diabetes and trying to control it better. And did I tell you that my husband is also a Tiger in Chinese horoscope? So sometimes I think “would Leo do that too?”. But I wouldn’t want to exchange places with you like in Your name. I’d just like to live some things with you. I wonder if this would make me feel less unhappy? Probably not.

Maybe if I could write everyday about something good. Write about movies to get people inspired? Maybe if I could travel the world and share experiences and thoughts? Maybe if I could write songs?

It’s really hard to be content. In the beginning of last year I decided that “that was it” for the movies in my life. That I had to work hard and be content and satisfied with what life gave me. And I’ve been trying. To just let it be lived. This life of mine.

I had so many dreams that never came true. But is it really what I want? This job, a house, kids? I guess having erased that other blog, this is my new place to just talk randomly. But sometimes we don’t really need everything to make sense, do we? We just need to talk about nothing.