It’s everyday

So it’s August already. We did get married in June, it was a three-round-marriage marathon. Everything was ok by the end, as it had to be. I came back from New York and there were a few weeks there where I just didn’t know anything anymore. It was too tranquil and I’ve wondered what to do with my life next – again.

I decided I needed a new aim, something to keep life going. Was I going to quit my job? But then what am I going to do next? To try keep it real and simple, I’ve started focusing on something closer, something that affects my day-by-day, my everyday. The health issue. Yes, I have diabetes. Despite trying to deny it for some young years. How about trying to have a healthy diet and really fight diabetes?

So for July I was focusing on diabetes control, tried to drink less soda, eat less meat (saw a doc defending the vegan diet for a healthy living) and started walking everyday from and to work. I’m not really doing so good, I love pizza and chocolate, and ice cream and all… Last year I’ve tried the ketogenic diet for some time, but eventually I’ve given up. It’s just too much food I like and I had to cut it all out (pasta, rice, bread). However, once again, I’m considering it.

And I’m trying to set small goals for myself. Like believing I could be doing worse in another job, at least I have a job and something to keep my mind occupied for some time. Believing it’s something meaningful, at least a little, to society and to the world. Trying to get back in touch with some people I have long not seen. Trying to give support to my family. Trying to write more about movies, I like movies, after all. Trying to get to study Japanese. And eventually music, the uke.

I’m not successful everyday. But I’m trying to take each day at a time. Trying not to think too much about the failures, but to keep up moving. I don’t want to feel depressed and in order to do that, I gotta keep moving. Keep my mind and myself busy. Like today, I was home and it was cloudy and rainy, and I’ve heard about you and Kate. I mean, not that it would make me sad, I want you to be happy. But then I started to think about everything I once dreamed of, everything that went wrong… and how much I wished it could have turned right. But this is my reality. It’s not Matrix, it’s just the truth, the real world.

I know I’m married now. And I should try to get things going from now on. But sometimes I wish I could go back to that 12 year-old girl and make everything different.

So I guess that’s it then. Maybe you will marry this girl everyone in the world is rooting for you to get married with. I’ll take care of my health, have kids, get old. Oh boy, sometimes I wish I could throw it all away, find another job and forget about it all (what I’m supposed to do now, all the work and responsibilities). It’s like a disease really, I must consider each day I was able to do something a good day. I shouldn’t allow myself to have these thoughts of long term and super meaningful life. Just keep going. Striving with the little things. Trying to appreciate my life. Everyday. It’s everyday.

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