Edingburgh

I’m starting now to read some of your news headlines every month – will this last? I loved that you went and had a meal with this girl who won a raffle only to support this initiative in Edingburgh that help the homeless. This was the highlight for me.

Come to think again about “Before the flood” (60 mil watched and I didn’t?!), I was a little taken aback realizing to myself that it was actually the scenario I had once envisioned for us – only I was not there. We would travel around the world to make a series (here is a documentary, but it would be similar) about the environment and show different initiatives to help this crazy, broken world. It would start out with the environment, and then maybe go to the social contribution and philanthropic activities sphere. Anything for the good of humankind. And who knows? Maybe it will go this way. I’m just sad that I’m not living all this, I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to be there along with you walking long distances, going to dirty places, flying over incredible landscapes, living all these moments in a full.

And it would be so great. The two of us together, later I would work on editing this material, and we would be perfect soulmates – do you know? Those types of couples that complement each other and that together makes more sense to the world? Only… I can’t be there, I’m not blonde.

Oh, sure, you had spent birthday at Brando’s island, there’s this new girl Nina now, Tom Hardy will have to get a tattoo for you, and Trump! Man, you were fast in that, already met him?

Right now I’m in Belém do Pará, up north state in Brazil. During this trip, I am under the attempt to encourage me to become full-time staff – to a job I’ve been wanting to quit the whole year! In fact, for a long time. I really don’t have a back up plan, I do not know what to do with my life after I quit, I just feel in my heart that this is it for me, I need to move on. I feel like chains and shackles bind me, like that scene in Melancholia, something that is keeping me and I’m crawling with difficulty.

This lady who was trying to convince me to dedicate fully to my work told me I shouldn’t rely only on my future spouse (as if!) and that I should have something essential to me, be independent, and in my heart all I could think was that there is something else that makes me happy, not this… And that’s exactly the problem, I know I should feel joy doing what I do, but I don’t.

Not that I believe I can only do what I love. Maybe I’ll just get a simple job, anywhere. And that’s ok. Maybe I’ll marry this guy because it’s all I have now. And it won’t be so terrible. Maybe my dreams were only supposed to be dreams really. Something to make me happy at least in this fleeting second I can imagine them.

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