New Year’s in Brazil?

Dear L,

so you’re coming to Brazil for the New Year’s? I’ve heard you’ve rented a house in Bahia! Yeah, this passage from one year to another is really a celebration in Brazil, everybody party together with family and friends, there are fireworks, many gather at the beach or even on a city street.

And right now, oh boy, how I wish I could evade and go live by the beach for some time, perhaps if I was in Bahia I could even get a chance to see you from far away, ehe. But there’s lot of work for me here and I’m going nowhere, translations to check, voice over to do, videos to edit in the first week of the year. Well, I actually like video editing, but it’s pretty hard in a tight schedule and so many details to think about, last year I’ve made mistakes and nobody really knows how hard is to get all the DVDs ready to ship so the videos arrive in time (and we ship to other South American countries, as Argentina, Chile, Peru). That is, work, work, work for me. And before this time I already was in such a need of some vacations… oh, how the idea of spending a few days by the sea, under the sun, not a worry in the world, is glistering at this time to me.

Well, I wish you a great time (I wonder if you ever don’t?) this year end, this holidays season. For this year we will not do anything tonight, so I’ll be watching some Christmas movie on Netflix and tomorrow we have a family gathering for a late lunch. This afternoon I was actually taking a look at old notes and my journal on how this year has been. And I got to the conclusion that this year you had been my refuge – and some other occasions too. Yep, do you know? Like, I’ve felt miserable about my life many times this year, while you are there, living these great moments (met the Pope, Obama, UN stuff, docs and all), so my escape valve from this exhausting reality that’s been consuming me up and bogging me down this year was basically… you. To imagine how we could do good things together, travel the world, make movies.

Ok, I know I have this real life boyfriend now, but it was just part of this real world I wanted to run away from and didn’t bring me much excitement. Sorry, but nobody really reads this blog, so I can chest off.

So, once again, I guess I just wanna say “thank you” for saving me from my own life. About twenty years ago you also saved me when I was living in Japan – and I also wanted to go up to Tokyo for the “Titanic” world premiere after a year daydreaming; like now I really wanted to go to Bahia, just throw everything away, blow it all up, change my life completely to live in a sunnier landscape, near nature, live of coconut water. Nah. It doesn’t need to be that extreme either. Like Buddha said, the Middle Way.

But I don’t want to wait until next year for new resolutions. I want a new life, now. I’ve been saying for years that I wanna do things and I never get to do it. Well, at least I’m hopeful for 2017. The change of year is a great invention, it’s great to be able to renew ourselves and get hopes up again.

Anyways… I wish you well, love you still. I guess I always will. “Cast away” was the movie of the year for me, it touched and made me cry, sometimes I feel I’ve been away, even being here. But thanks for being my haven, from time to time, it’s all I need.

Edingburgh

I’m starting now to read some of your news headlines every month – will this last? I loved that you went and had a meal with this girl who won a raffle only to support this initiative in Edingburgh that help the homeless. This was the highlight for me.

Come to think again about “Before the flood” (60 mil watched and I didn’t?!), I was a little taken aback realizing to myself that it was actually the scenario I had once envisioned for us – only I was not there. We would travel around the world to make a series (here is a documentary, but it would be similar) about the environment and show different initiatives to help this crazy, broken world. It would start out with the environment, and then maybe go to the social contribution and philanthropic activities sphere. Anything for the good of humankind. And who knows? Maybe it will go this way. I’m just sad that I’m not living all this, I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to be there along with you walking long distances, going to dirty places, flying over incredible landscapes, living all these moments in a full.

And it would be so great. The two of us together, later I would work on editing this material, and we would be perfect soulmates – do you know? Those types of couples that complement each other and that together makes more sense to the world? Only… I can’t be there, I’m not blonde.

Oh, sure, you had spent birthday at Brando’s island, there’s this new girl Nina now, Tom Hardy will have to get a tattoo for you, and Trump! Man, you were fast in that, already met him?

Right now I’m in Belém do Pará, up north state in Brazil. During this trip, I am under the attempt to encourage me to become full-time staff – to a job I’ve been wanting to quit the whole year! In fact, for a long time. I really don’t have a back up plan, I do not know what to do with my life after I quit, I just feel in my heart that this is it for me, I need to move on. I feel like chains and shackles bind me, like that scene in Melancholia, something that is keeping me and I’m crawling with difficulty.

This lady who was trying to convince me to dedicate fully to my work told me I shouldn’t rely only on my future spouse (as if!) and that I should have something essential to me, be independent, and in my heart all I could think was that there is something else that makes me happy, not this… And that’s exactly the problem, I know I should feel joy doing what I do, but I don’t.

Not that I believe I can only do what I love. Maybe I’ll just get a simple job, anywhere. And that’s ok. Maybe I’ll marry this guy because it’s all I have now. And it won’t be so terrible. Maybe my dreams were only supposed to be dreams really. Something to make me happy at least in this fleeting second I can imagine them.