it’s cloudy today and it was my day off. My day off on a Sunday. I hardly ever can get a day off on a Sunday, and maybe it’s the weather, but it saddened me that I didn’t do anything useful today. However, I mean, what is really a useful day?
I’ve had sex. I cooked soup. I’ve watched a movie. And I started wondering if a bunch of other people in L.A. (or any other place of the world, for that matter) also have a bunch of days like this, when you just do nothing and you kind of feel that you’ve wasted time, that you should be doing something important? Well, sure, everybody needs some time off once in a while. Not everyday can be a great day, a day you thought you contributed to the world or things of the like.
Then I wondered what could make me feel less “empty” (is that one of those times people want to get pregnant and have babies? or take a stupid decision in their lives, for the wrong reasons?). Perhaps I should really try to study over the week, learn an instrument (write songs would really make me feel good, I guess), try to go back to that stupid idea of writing a script. Not because I need it, I mean, not because I need money, or recognition or anything, just for the feeling of writing, just because it would be something I’d enjoy. How about it? I’ve spent lots of days off this year only watching a series or movies, and by the end of the day I still was not happy nor motivated. I know I have to deal with my everyday life, of a job I no longer enjoy or even like (only to think that tomorrow I have to be up in the morning and go to work already makes me sad), and the rest is just plain. There is my family and I feel I don’t have many friends (in fact, at this point of my life I find myself feeling I have no friends at all). There is my boyfriend. And it’s ok.
Should it be just like that? Now I’m thinking. Maybe I’m wanting too much for wanting something extra, something special, something I don’t even know. But maybe life is just like this, and I should just be glad and stop wanting to quit my job or having doubts about this guy being really the right one for me. Maybe I should just accept it, there is nothing more, there is nothing else. Life is just this really.
I know I’m 34 and it’s time to settle down. Stop these crazy dreams of traveling around the world, just work and deal with it because any work will be hard. Can I? I’ve never been like that. I’ve always went for what I wanted. But what is it really that I want now? I could actually be working only to save money to buy a house. But I can’t do this in this line of work I’m on now, and I don’t want to continue in this current work anymore. Well, at least I know what I do not want, right?