You already know what is your goal

Today was my day off. I just had a shower and I wish, oh I wish so much that I would not have this feeling anymore. I wish I could get rid of it, once and for all. The feeling that I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. That I want to leave my current job. I wanna quit. And I don’t even know what for.

This morning, a few moments before I was fully awake – do you know? That moment you are still sleeping but not yet awake? – I was thinking of you. I was thinking “I really love you, but how can I possibly be with you? You will never be interested in the likes of a girl like me. It’s just impossible”. To what that voice I’m always talking to (long ago called my agent James) just advised, “well, at least you already know him. You know what you are after, what is your target”.

Yeah, right. And how does this helps? It only makes it more difficult and far from reality. Once, when I was on my teens and then twenties, I knew what I wanted. And now, I think I want to quit my job but I don’t even know what I want to do. Is there anything I still want? I know I should be thankful for I already have a job and I get enough to pay my bills. I want to finish off a debt until July of next year, so I have to hang in there. But I seem to have lost that deep feeling of gratitude and joy, and this job I have was not supposed to be done without joy. Only for money. If it is so, I should go find some other work and maybe that’s why I’ve been toying with the idea of going to Japan again these past weeks. I know how it is to work in a factory, the repetitive job, getting out early and coming back late, a tiring routine. I know my body can only take this type of routine for a certain amount of years. And yet… I’m thinking about it again?

Maybe exactly because of this lack of worries. At my current job there are a number of concerns we have to deal with everyday, and from time to time a different new concern… and we must pay attention to a lot of things, and there is always something that slips by even if we take care. There is also pressure, a certain required behavior and level of faith I guess I still lack, I know I’m not quite there yet. So, comparing, the job in Japan seems just easier. I know, it’s like fleeing to the easy way out, I won’t have to worry so much, I’ll just work everyday, save some money to buy a house for me and have a tranquil retirement. But at this point of my life, really, I don’t feel like I wanna ask much more than that. Is it too bad?

I should challenge myself and have this new pursue in life, which is related to my current job. But somehow it doesn’t move me, I still mourn for my old dreams which were thrown away and now gone. Of course the easy way out will not lead me any closer to you, L, if that was supposed to be any goal… but neither is this other pursue, so what am I to do?

Sometimes I think that I was happier when I still believed. And somehow I understand now these self-help texts that tell us to have a goal in life. Something to keep us going on.

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