At 34

What was I supposed to be like at 34 years old? And does it matter?

They say that from 3 to 3 years we have a different cycle. Let’s see. I obviously don’t remember 3 years-old. 6? I began school. 9? I liked Steven Spielberg and Disney, I wanted to make fun movies. 12? I fell in love for the first time. I’ve met Leo. I attended public school, Brazil won the World Cup, I lived in a poor place and saw my father cheat on my mom. 15? I was living in Japan. I daydreamt of shooting films and loved Leo. 18? I had my first real job and boyfriend.21? I came back to Brazil for trying an university here, I was in love with my literature teacher. 24? I had been to Taiwan, worked at Disney, was in college and had my second boyfriend whom was a really important process in my life. 27? My parents came to live with me, I’ve quit my translator job to start a new line of work soon. 30? I had been to Paris, my dream, had taken care of my grandfather and lost him, had fallen in love with the perfect guy again and lost him. 33? I had been to Chicago, NY, Cuzco. I’ve started film school finally, only to give up.

My mother used to say that 33 is a very bad age for women.It’s the same age of Christ, and bad things happen. I had a lousy semestre at the university and had to quit what was supposedly a pursuit of a lifetime. Ok, I got the third boyfriend, and I thought he was the one, but spiritual indications took away my grounds. I’m not happy at work, even being able to do so many things, I continue having the feeling I wanna quit. So I guess 33 was actually a sad one. 

And what do I want as of now? At 34, I don’t really want anything. Maybe I’ll change jobs again. I will save money to buy a house. Learn how to drive again, do swimming, study Japanese. Will I marry in NY? Will I write songs and play the ukulele? Will I ever write a script? Maybe. And even if I don’t, it’s funny. I feel like I’ve lived a lot and I don’t really care anymore. Is this too bad?

I will continue trying to live a healthy life, that’s for sure. If I never have kids, that’s ok. I love my family, in spite of them being themselves. I miss my friends. I like movies. And nature. And right now, even if things are not perfect as I once imagined they would be by the time I had this age, it’s all right. 

It’s a sunny afternoon, and (surprisingly?) everything is all right. 

Love, Darling.


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