Aug 27 dream

Dear L,

I had a dream last night. I remember just a glimpse now, but I was having a burger with this friend (the guy who is currently my boyfriend) and somehow I was waiting for you in the dream. Then you came downstairs with your entourage and stopped by me, you had already eaten and was somewhat upset with me. “Hey What’s up?”or the likes of it was what you said to me. 

Our eyes met for a long pause and deeply we look at each other and I felt, I knew, if there was anything, it was dispelled. “Let’s go”, you said.

***

I have dreamt other times with you and this morning I was in the bus thinking I wanted to write that story… Of star crossed lovers. In my script they would have a happy ending. 

Perhaps I should really write some stories here? Nobody will read them really but just for the fun of imagining them and writing… I guess, perhaps, I’m missing them (the imagined stories).

At 34

What was I supposed to be like at 34 years old? And does it matter?

They say that from 3 to 3 years we have a different cycle. Let’s see. I obviously don’t remember 3 years-old. 6? I began school. 9? I liked Steven Spielberg and Disney, I wanted to make fun movies. 12? I fell in love for the first time. I’ve met Leo. I attended public school, Brazil won the World Cup, I lived in a poor place and saw my father cheat on my mom. 15? I was living in Japan. I daydreamt of shooting films and loved Leo. 18? I had my first real job and boyfriend.21? I came back to Brazil for trying an university here, I was in love with my literature teacher. 24? I had been to Taiwan, worked at Disney, was in college and had my second boyfriend whom was a really important process in my life. 27? My parents came to live with me, I’ve quit my translator job to start a new line of work soon. 30? I had been to Paris, my dream, had taken care of my grandfather and lost him, had fallen in love with the perfect guy again and lost him. 33? I had been to Chicago, NY, Cuzco. I’ve started film school finally, only to give up.

My mother used to say that 33 is a very bad age for women.It’s the same age of Christ, and bad things happen. I had a lousy semestre at the university and had to quit what was supposedly a pursuit of a lifetime. Ok, I got the third boyfriend, and I thought he was the one, but spiritual indications took away my grounds. I’m not happy at work, even being able to do so many things, I continue having the feeling I wanna quit. So I guess 33 was actually a sad one. 

And what do I want as of now? At 34, I don’t really want anything. Maybe I’ll change jobs again. I will save money to buy a house. Learn how to drive again, do swimming, study Japanese. Will I marry in NY? Will I write songs and play the ukulele? Will I ever write a script? Maybe. And even if I don’t, it’s funny. I feel like I’ve lived a lot and I don’t really care anymore. Is this too bad?

I will continue trying to live a healthy life, that’s for sure. If I never have kids, that’s ok. I love my family, in spite of them being themselves. I miss my friends. I like movies. And nature. And right now, even if things are not perfect as I once imagined they would be by the time I had this age, it’s all right. 

It’s a sunny afternoon, and (surprisingly?) everything is all right. 

Love, Darling.