A star is born – the musical girl scenario

This movie actually caught me off guard. Honestly. Bradley Cooper really did accomplish something special here, creating some beautiful scenes with the good use of lights and colors, a chemistry between the main characters we can feel to our skin, character development that move us even more because we know Cooper and Gaga are very acknowledged of fame in real life – all bringing us to inevitable tears.

Moreover, personally, it reminded me of my own musical girl scenario version. Like D would also sing, but very simple stuff, on ukulele, smoothly and sweet – as naturally it should be, since this is just her ways really. Small songs with an uplifiting message overall, videos with soft images of nature – and L would enjoy that for some reason. Surely, he wouldn’t fall for her only because of her musical talent, but the musicality would be part of their story’s charm.

And he would like this “natural” way of her being, just like Jack had fallen for this pure, poetic talent of Ally, which gradually faded away, along with his will of living. But in the case of L and D, this would have a happy ending, she would just remain true to her beliefs – as Jack said on the movie, otherwise you don’t have legs to keep going.



After they got back from their world trip, there was still the real final cut to be done, and this sort of post production editing part would be happening in LA for a few weeks or maybe months. D got settled in a small place, she didn’t want to buy a place because she intended to go back to Brazil after the project ended. Then, she got this place, had one of the walls painted in light green color, very clean, only a refrigerator, a table, a sofa bed, a display to watch movies, some colored cups… simple, practical, yet comfy. At the entrance of the building there was this bricked wall with flowers hanging, a square in the middle with a fountain, kind of like “Chuck’s”, that nerd show that she liked.

The first time Leo showed up at her door she was like, “What are you doin’ here?!”, because there was nothing to do there, but for some time he enjoyed hanging there, I guess he felt like a “normal” person, D could get pizza delivered at her door, no biggie, it seems stupid, but stuff like that, it was nice.

It was then that the  paparazzi started showing up.  And I gotta tell you, please don’t spread the word, but… Leo just grew very jealous. Like, okay, he was the one who introduced D to so many people. They got back and he couldn’t be too away from her, they were supposed to rest for more time, take some time off before continuing on the project, but to me, there was one single incident that got to him. It was a picture where they claimed that D should really be working miracles, because not only she got visited by Keanu Reeves, but also Elijah Wood and Mark Ruffalo. It was only one picture, man. One. Of Keanu leaving the place and walking around with her for coffee. And the supposed story of Elijah and Mark. Then, he goes there and he questions her, and she’s like “we were just jammin’ – cause you know, she plays some tunes. And to all the media, nobody knows who is this girl really, they all just think that she’s some sort of spiritual guru that Leo had hired to bring him some good vibes, work spiritually somehow. No-bo-dy knows. Because she doesn’t do interviews.

Oh, yeah, and there was also one time that Elijah was so excited about meeting her, he mentioned something like “imagine what’s to be married with this girl? Imagine what that would be like, you could hear her singing everyday!”. It’s kind of an over the top reaction, he just wanted to compliment. And her previous husband and her dressed up as John and Yoko, so imagine this, imagine that… Anyway. I’m telling you, man.

This really got to Leo. He might deny it, because after they [the paparazzi] found out that Leo also visited some times it became hell, and it was not so calm and nice to go there anymore. So he decided to take a temporary measure, he invited her to stay in the pool house, it would just be easier, they would be able to have more freedom to meet up and discuss the project, and work on the final cuts, without so much of this bothering them. But, to me, he just didn’t want any Keanu coming in and being all alone with her. She was his girl already, only he wouldn’t admit it.


Gisele and the perfect diet

The movie for today is “Taxi” (2004). Yesterday I was reading about Gisele and Tom Brady, and they were commenting on how crazy their diet is, but I actually think this would be a perfect diet. I mean, for the past few years I have been reading a lot about food and all because of diabetes, and suddenly, once more, I have proof of how perfect Gisele is.

I mean, I already thought she was perfect when Leo got together with her back then and I resignated myself to forgetting about Leo because, oh well, he just got the perfect Brazilian. Then she moved on to marry and have two kids, while she makes these commercials for SKY and she can play a myriad of characters without ever having to had acting classes – just the fun part. Some people are just born with a shining star, no? I mean, this is a life I  would like to have had. And on top of that, a healthy, the healthiest diet!

Then today that movie was on TV. Around the time for that shooting I guess she was still on and off Leo, sure I prefer Luc Besson, and she looks so skinny, but still seemed to have had a great deal of fun. And she is still the only girl to date that Leo has brought with him to an Academy Awards red carpet. And I remember that during the time of their relationship, I had read a few news here and there, it was so nice! Going to the Amazon – she is still a serious environmentalist (again, isn’t it just perfect, Leo?), and I totally get the idea of “Gisele and the green team”, haha.

Yeah, I know. Only a very few of the fewest privileged out there can be as perfect. And I’m not among them.

I know I can’t just stay home and eat all I like for the rest of my life. I gotta do something. I just wanted to have fun, but I’m not as lucky and perfect as Gisele. So I have missed many opportunities in my life and had to struggle a number of times with the choices I made. So, I gotta get up and do something out of my life now, and I don’t know what to do. And let’s face reality, I know that women for Leo is a blonde model or Victoria Secret angel, all the rest of the world do not exist for him, and I’m included in that rest of the world; I cannot just continue dreaming of him. Despite of all the dreams and sincere heartfelt scenes and encounters played somewhere in my mind’s universe.

So I didn’t do a bunch of things and it seems I keep repeating myself as for what I am going to do, while still stuck. Having always wanted to be the “chosen one” as in “Matrix” (2000), and having always preferred to say “I’m not the one”.

But… who is it that really said you’re not good enough? Who is the one that told you that you don’t deserve it?

Do we really need to be perfect? Have the perfect hair, the perfect family, the perfect career, the perfect diet? How many Giseles are out there, and what’s really wrong in not being one of them?

Why couldn’t Leo marry a short, dark-haired, sweet girl? Perhaps he would be even happier, who knows?

And how do you know it would work?

So I was thinking like that. I was thinking about how I am absolutely unapt to be married. How I’m making my husband miserable, by different reasons. One, I was supposed to be a stronghold as far as the spiritual path we are both on is concerned, but I now start to collapse, so where did that supportive companion of the spiritual journey go? Two, I have this disease, diabetes, and I was supposed to get my act together, be healthy and take care of myself, but then hits the uncertainty of everything and my non-willingness of doing anything. And so I am not able to provide for babies either at this time. As depression pushes me to rock bottom, I don’t really feel like having a  sexual life – which seems so unimportant to me at this moment, comparing to all the unseeable future ahead. I cannot decide what I want out of this life anymore, and so I guess we have three.

It was then that it hit me the question: what makes you think that it would work with Leo? Why in my distant dreams we would actually be a good couple, one of those Hollywood legends whose marriage lasts for 20 or more years, perhaps the whole life? What makes me believe that with him this scenario would work? Marriage and kids? Because I love him truly, is that it? That’s just it?

Because, honestly, I never thought like “oh, he’s rich. He’s famous, he’s powerful, he can get me anywhere I would like to go to in Holywood”. No, not really. In my imaginations I would be a simple hard-working girl still, with a minor job in the industry (that’s a lie, when I was about 16 I thought I would be a movie director, but all to my own credits, over my own good talent and sweat).

Never, really, never I thought I would make a name of myself because of him. I would have some brilliant ideas and efforts, and he would love me for that too, but it’s not like he would want me to be someone who I am not. As much as I would love him just the way he is, without one trying to change the other. Maybe that’s why in my mind we would work out together. Because we would be able to be truly ourselves around each other. Even with all our failures and weaknesses. Even if things changed and something didn’t work as we expected or we’d like it to have. We would love the true nature on one another, with mutual respect and care.

The type of lovers who could be side by side in silence for some time and it would be ok. We wouldn’t need to be anything else to each other, we would not expect each other to be something else.

And since I would love him so much, I would like to have his baby, and I would like to see us growing this new life together.

I guess I don’t really love my current partner purely like that. And then I think it would be better for him if we’d just split up. He would be free to find someone who would love him truly. For my part, I don’t think I would be out there, I would just conform myself with my only lonely self, and it’s ok, really, I guess some people are not really made for marriages – except if it was with that old soulmate of mine for whom I’ve been longing for my whole practical life, and it’s practically impossible to reach in this lifetime…

Just today I was watching this movie (“My George”) on TV, and the main character is a writer who just finally happens to get her first book published. It was one book that would change her life, and if I could choose to quit my job to write just one piece in this life, but it would be the piece that would bring him to me, my true love, oh boy, yeah I would throw everything away and write it.

How would that script be like?

Just yesterday

You hold me close

And I was able to fall into a deep sleep


In my mind it was a warm and cozy sunlight. And I know that just the other day I told you to get married and have kids and all that – because honestly you have achieved everything you could possibly want as career is concerned, or whatever your public position implies. But having looked up online my wish was to say, “no, please. do not. with this girl” – not that I would approve of any other girl, would I?

Sometimes I wish I didn’t get married. Perhaps it would’ve been better. I just came back this week from another trip to Japan. Despite of many commitments, I felt pretty alone. And maybe it would be best if I’d really be on my own. Not having to deal with or care about his family and friends, or his expectations.

I came back feeling as a failure. Again the sob sadness overtaking me. And here we are again, with this blog therapy.

I wish I could go back about 20 years in my life and do things differently. I wish I could have the courage to simply send it all to space – my job, this marriage. So many people talk about gratitude, about being grateful. If I had only fulfilled myself with gratitude, for being able to be alive in this world, relatively healthy, having a place to live and something to eat, if I would be completely empty of all the other negative feelings, I would probably not have been comparing myself to anybody else and thought less of me. I would probably had been able to become a spiritual guide. Even believed my dreams would be possible, even in our LD story.

This is the real training. Becoming empty of all the negativity and embracing all your possibilities in this world, being thankful for the life you’re given. Being humble to admit your own faults but not letting yourself linger, move on to enjoy the best qualities you have despite all that is lacking.

If I had done more of that in the past, maybe my life would’ve been different. But we can’t change the past. We can only build new futures. It was just yesterday. So, OK, what’s going to be like now, today?

In the past and back

From all the places I could write on today, this was the last one I thought I would. But here I am, rambling again. Today it is my one year wedding anniversary and all I can think of is how I have only truly loved Leo in my life.

Travelling back to the past, back there when I was 12 years-old only… I’ve met him, and it should’ve been like Blake, I should’ve dodged him for Bill, who was born on October 23 just like Reynolds. There was such a fleeing thing, there was the idea of making movies with Macaulay Culkin and Steven Spielberg. I was not able to escape LA airport as I’ve engineered, during my flight to Japan, in 1997. Such a believer I was!

By that time, “Romeo + Juliet” was still a big deal in Japan, and I fell back in love with Leo again. I had no choice. I should have studied in a Japanese school, lived that time in full, made new friends. Instead, I was trapped in my dream world and I really believed once that I could write scripts and get myself a manager in LA and a big studio and big money so I could live in Hollywood – I was only sixteen!

Then came “Titanic” and Leo was so adorable… but then came the “after-Titanic”, and for some time I’ve given up on him, Gisele just seemed perfect – and a Brazilian! What are the chances? I’ve worked, I got a boyfriend, who was Scorpio, and just fine, but I didn’t reeeaaally loved him. I came back to Brazil with a renewed dream, to take film school as graduation as “Central do Brasil” just made it, even into Japan, so there was a more real possibility for me than I ever thought there could be. Study in Brazil and then later in the future work in the industry.

However… I didn’t make it to those university courses. Come to think now, I should’ve taken those theater classes by 2003, and went on to try a dubbing career, something I would probably enjoy until this day. And when the second boyfriend came, we shared this passion for movies, we were young and we wanted to travel, to conquer the world. Nonetheless, despite suffering so hard and so long for this one, I can see I didn’t truly love him.

Leo is the only true love of my life. Even now, that I am married? Perhaps it’s shameful to admit it, but yes. Maybe because Leo represents this ideal of a lifetime, a life with movies, doing something I once believed I loved more than anything. And maybe there’s something else, because I don’t really care for the other big names of Hollywood. I mean, I once thought Elijah Wood was cute and I wanted to be good friends with Keanu Reeves. But not like this history with Leo (there are so many small touches post-Titanic and through the other movies). And I could never have guessed that this feeling would last for such a long time.

The old romantic-comedy belief that after all there are soulmates and everything will work out in the end. I still have it. And I’ve been thinking so much about him lately, maybe because it has always been my escape valve, from my current real world terms. This feeling have been increasing since the past few years, that I should’ve made other choices. Even the marriage thing. But we can’t go to the past, fix some points of our life and then come back to the future (is that why everyone loves the movie so much?).

For the past few days I went on this trip to Natal (Rio Grande do Norte, Brazil). And I am back. I’ve tried to deal with some unfinished business before the trip, so it would mark a time to start new things. Here I am, back to me trying to reinvent myself once more. This is the life I have now, what can I do from now on? I’ve made some mistakes, I’ve learned some things, I’ve regretted many others. But what is the life I want from now?

From my history with Leo I can tell that I can always refresh the story or create a new one. How we would meet, how we would end up being together and how we would together inspire the world even more.

So maybe I need this change in my life, I know my current job in essence is the same ideal, for the benefit of the world, but perhaps I just don’t belong to these strings and I can do good things too by other means.

Besides the paths we’ve already taken, we can refresh. We can rewrite some or write new stories.

Together with my current partner (who is not the ideal, no blue eyes nor blond hair, no Italian descendancy, not involved in movies at all) I can also try to do some good.

Or is it too far away from reality and I should conform myself to what I have? I know that gratitude is the most important, to be grateful for what you have and what you can do. Is it too bad to think that we can do more? To believe in something nicer? Am I dreaming too much again?

Recently I received a spiritual indication that made me reflect about not focusing on myself, or what I want, but what would make others happy. This is the basics for everything really in the buddhist teaching I follow. And I thought about my family and friends, and I was wondering… that they also want to see me happy. This would make them happy too. For many years I have given up my dreams and for some time I have really tried to conform myself, which has been making me miserable, and that’s something I guess the others around me don’t want to see either.

What if everything falls apart? If I fail and I’ll become miserable again, and regret it? Well, as I said, I had many regrets. But this is living, isn’t it?

more for less

Today I read this post from a blog I followed that brought daily messages of inspiration from several different contributors, bringing us “seeds for life”. The title of the post was that sometimes we need changes. And the blog is about to end, exactly because the author needs change.

I thought that this year I would change. Just the day before yesterday I was saddened by a situation which made me rethink all the other recent downturns again. Like I’ve been wanting to go to Japan for a training since last year and it doesn’t seem to ever go right, then I thought about going to Hawaii, but I didn’t really decide and my chance was gone again. Then, the things that I set myself to do this year – get more in touch with friends, exercise more and have a healthy diet, finish that book review so I could get started on my own projects, and most recently, giving a step forward by getting our own place to live. Our own apartment seemed possible, but then we were stopped by this spiritual guidance and… suddenly I’m just feeling tired again. Like we’ve been running in circles and went back to where we were, and got stuck.

So what’s better place to get it off my chest other than this secret blog that almost no one reads? My personal secret therapy?

Here’s to mourn the frustration. I’m over 30 and I never felt so lost in my life. At my 20’s I knew exactly what I wanted, my dreams, where I wanted to be, what I wanted to achieve. And I hear you, I hear all the signs around me saying I should be thankful, talking about being content with what you have, saying thanks everyday. Sure, it sounds so easy. But when it comes to the daily real deal, the truth is that I wonder if that’s it, really, that’s all we’ve got? This is as good as it gets?

I should be grateful because I have a job, and I can pay my bills. And? Nothing else? I shouldn’t wish for anything else in this life?

Last month I got so sick, I was basically sick the whole month. And now again, in May, I got sick for a few days again, with a cold. And thinking it over, I really don’t think it’s only the weather. I believe this was the result of months trying to hold back, trying to keep it cool, then my body just collapsed, couldn’t take it anymore. It was the burst of all the stress it’d been accumulating, and fatigue, and so and so.

I guess I shouldn’t wish for anything else. Who said my life would be easier if I quit this job? Probably I would find other new problems again, because this is the human life really, it will probably only be more difficult to make a living. But, oh boy, I did wish.

I wish I could open a cafe, and sing a few songs on my uke there. And that I could live by the beach, drink coconut water everyday and watch the sunset by the sea. I wish I’d have a life with less pressure and worries, slower in motion and demands. Don’t human beings do too much? We do so much, but how much is it really for more happiness? Shouldn’t we do more to have more happiness in the world, for us, for other living beings in this planet, for nature, for our future generations? Instead of generating more unhappiness. It seems like we’re doing so much for wars, for crimes, for money, for one being better than the other, why is that?

Why? Why can’t we work less? Have less demands? Cause less damages to others, and the world. Make less money. Have less things to buy. Have less white sugar, less meat. Have less things to worry about.

I don’t know. I’m getting concerned with my health. And I believe this is not only my problem, it seems this is a general occurrence of today’s society.

I wish we had more changes.


And so, Leo, we would eat fruits, vegetables, our kids would have a more organic and natural diet. And we would make some movies to inspire, that series too. We would travel, watch movies, sing together (as a family, you and me, and our kids), enjoy more life and work less. Or, well, work would be something we love, so it wouldn’t be a burden. Such would be our accomplishments and our passage in this world.

Another thought about a baby

It started out with me being sick. The beginning of this month I got sick for a few weeks and the beginning of this year I’ve been rethinking my life possibilities. I wanted to act on something, and I said to myself I would finish an unfinished business and then I would move on. I would go more towards what makes me happy and less under an “obligation”. So I was rethinking the paradigm, how was that life plan. Our life plan. It changes, of course, I get old and I guess the dreams have to adapt to times.

Amidst thinking I never wanted to get married in the first place, and I never wanted a baby… and thinking about new possibilities for the life I still have to live (about the past we can’t go back, we can’t do anything anymore about it). So I did get married. And why? Because at the time, I believed this person could be someone to walk along the path with, and we can do some good things together.

In my new plans, we get more involved in music. What was not imaginable before, when I was still on my 10’s, on my 15’s, on my 19’s, now it is possible, we have social networks, we have YouTube. So I didn’t study Japanese back then, and I didn’t take theater classes, and I didn’t go to work with dubbing. But I do have this spiritual path I believe in, and I do have time to study Japanese yet. Music is something I still can learn and it can bring me happiness. Writing is something I still can do (until the end of my life I can, actually, no?). I could consider I still have like half of a life to live.

So what if…

I did get to learn a musical instrument and send out to the world some messages of inspiration, so we can be more aware and work towards a better world, with more friendship, true love, valuing the simple things, being thankful, just living better. Some animated video clips, as I’ve always enjoyed animation. Besides getting to know new places often and sharing it with people, besides getting more in touch with friends, and maybe making new friends.

We would’ve tried to have a baby, for three years. I would be getting older, things wouldn’t work out so well anymore. I would start writing again. And we would split up. And I would get into a project with Leo. And we would end up getting involved. Not to the public eye, for sure, they would never imagine so, I’m not his type, I would be like his spiritual guru, I wouldn’t give any interviews.


–It’s very unexpected. I mean, that night, I just let myself… and I would’ve never guessed. I mean, we have tried. Three years, and nothing. And… who could ever think it would be possible?

–Wait. Are you telling me you’re pregnant?

–Listen, I understand, ok. I know you are a public person, and I… I will understand if you want to have nothing, no strings attached to me, no relation to me… I totally get it. I will not ask anything of you, and I can pretend… I just made that baby by myself.

–You made a baby by yourself? How’s… that even possible?

–Well, you know, like these modern moms, they do treatment, they get an anonymous donation of a semen, or things of the like… So you don’t have to worry about that, I just… I’m just saying, I’m 39 years-old, this may be my last chance. I don’t want to abort. I don’t. I will not.


–You know, I promise, I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t expect it, and I know this is not a soap opera, so don’t you worry about that.

–D. No. No, listen to me. (pause, they gaze at each other) I know you. I mean, I know it seems like it was such a short time since we know each other, but I know you. I do. And… knowing you, what you have been through, I would never, never ask something like that, such a thing from you. Never. I… I love you.

[D sobs]

–I do. Of course, of course I’m being me… I, I would have to talk with my manager, and publicists, or whatever, or whomever. I don’t know what people would say, what my friends or family would say. But I want you to have this baby. And I want to be together with you. I myself never thought this could happen, I never thought I would feel like this, that I could love like this. But I do. I love you and I… I’ve actually been hoping for an excuse so we could be together.


(in an interview in the future)

–and so it happened, God gave me just what I was asking for! I got my excuse.


And so it was that I ended up marrying after finding out about a baby coming, just like my mother. And just like that fortuneteller once told me, I married twice. But it didn’t happen in a stressed or sad way, under pressure or as if an obligation. It happened so that at 39, when hopes were almost up, I got a baby after all. He’d been waiting his whole life for me and I had been dreaming my whole life with him, so it was just right.