Baby, the Amazon and 25 years

Actually, my intention with the last post was to start posting about some small steps I’m taking thinking more about the environment, or sharing some of the initiatives I get to know somehow and I find interesting. But guess what? That’s right. Life is never how we plan it to be.

So, by June I started feeling sick all the time and I found out… I’m pregnant! Yes, I’m expecting a baby! It was kind of a surprise, but at the same time me and my husband were starting the attempts and I knew soon or later it could happen. It had been a while we didn’t use protection (no condoms, no pills) and I was just trying to control better my diabetes. Then the news came and I really had to be more serious about my diabetes and it was considered a risky pregnancy, so I basically went to the doctor every week. It was like a small revolution in my life, I had to adapt to many things, go through tests and constantly increase my insulin intake, adding to the nausea, and feeling so sleepy all the time, June and July were pretty rough. Hence, no time or energy for those posts…

Leo has been a lot on the news headlines lately, not only because his relationship with Camila Morrone seems to be getting serious (really?), but because of the promotion of “Once upon a time in Hollywood”, which I’m pretty anxious to see but I still haven’t got the chance to, and also… the Amazon forest. Yeah, I’m Brazilian and I actually get pretty upset with many things that happen in my country, politics and other issues included.

I also have once claimed (even here) that Leo sometimes seems to be only trying to get to Gisele (Bundchen) – as if we consider she must have been the love of his life and he never found someone really like her again, and he still chasing that old feeling from his young ages. And however I know that Gisele is a big defender of the environment and involved in different causes, I must admit that I still believe Leo’s love for nature is genuine and comes truly from his heart. I mean this Amazon thing is not only “I’ll show Gisele”, but he speaks from his utmost self. And I do thank him for pointing out to the world, I guess I never have seen before such a commotion around this issue as we are seeing on the media now.

I’m only a simple citizen and I understand there are certain matters that we are really powerless about, we can only hope that the people with powers to be get some awareness and conscious actions, and try to do our part, what we can. So I know that Leo, as a public person, is doing what he can which is already more than many out there are doing.

Well, this post was not meant to be so serious. My birthday just went by and this year, for the second time in my life I could have watched a Leo movie on the big screen on my birthday (the other occasion was with Inception ****). However, I went on a quick trip and I was so tired, I didn’t really go yet for the 3-hour newest Tarantino. And I was checking again that notebook with a film reel on the cover, which ended up being my life diary. It’s amazing to think that the first entry ever was about Leo. It was 1997 and I wanted to have gone to the Tokyo Film Festival, for the premiere of Titanic. I didn’t knew how crazy it would be, I took notes like the same day they would have the promotion of Air Force One with Harrison Ford on the afternoon, and by the evening there was an opening ceremony and then they would show Titanic. Crazy, really. I was 15 years old and my parents would never allow me to go, we were living far, far away from Tokyo, on the northeast of Japan. And days later I would see on the news how crowded the event was, how many fans were screaming “Leo!” outside the theater… Even if I went, it would be impossible to get even a photo I guess.

Yep. This 2019 it has been 25 years I know Leo – more than the age of most girls he dates. I’m getting so old, and that was also one of the reasons I started thinking about having a baby. Soon, I thought, it would become so difficult and maybe too late for that. And I know that my husband really wanted a kid. I was never really this type, to me I used to think, “there are 7 billion people on this planet, we don’t need anymore” or things of the like, education nowadays seems so hard and this is a very crazy world really. But this is life. We must have some hope and give joy. Live.

I don’t really think my husband is my true soul mate (if such a thing really do exist). But I respect him, he is a really nice guy and he takes care of me. Since we are married I thought I could at least provide him this joy, of being a father. For sure, this was totally not in the plans when I was young and dreamt about Leo and I getting together. But it’s been 25 years and I have read many times how Leo was partying with his boys, parties full of models, and all that. I have seen him hanging out with many different Victoria Secret’s angels and tops, almost all blonde, tall, skinny. Even if I met Leo in real life, I wouldn’t stand a chance. Let’s just face it.

And for the first time I thought to myself that maybe it’s better for me really to have found a guy like my husband, that he is really the guy for me. He’s calm and collected, we can do things together, travel and enjoy some good food, watch a movie and walk side by side on the spiritual path. I was never the kind of girl that parties all night, who drinks a lot, wears high heels and enjoy the fashion scene, the spotlight. And this seems to be Leo type (yet).

So life is never really how we plan it to be. Perhaps we should be thankful for that, for what we have and all the possibilities.

*****

L-What if I told you that this is just a role? It’s just protection?

T-Imagine if he is open to any girl, to any type of girls. Every woman in the world would think that she’s got a chance.

D-But how will you know? When the right girl comes up?

T-I guess we just believe it. We just believe we will know.

D-How? If you are guarded, surrounded by all this, if you are not letting a gap, an opening?

T-We just believe it. We believe in magic.

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Only sharing good things

Last year there was a moment when I had been down for such a long time, letting myself linger in depression, and months went by while I was very discouraged with my life, with everything that went wrong and all the dreams that didn’t come true, many days when I woke up and didn’t want to get up or to go out, while I was trying to find other meanings to my life and made many plans which remained only as plans. And the feeling of getting old and older, dumb and dumber, too old to do all that I once thought I could do and it would make a difference in the world, too hopeless to move and do anything.

But there is a time when you just can’t allow yourself to be down in the dumps anymore. You gotta do something. Just like Shawshank Redemption? Yeah, just like that. Get busy living or get busy dying.

It’s been about three years that I come here once in a while and just let everything out, everything I wanted to say in blunt honesty out there in this huge, infinite web world. Because I needed a escape valve, not really because I ever expected anybody would actually read it.

However I still need this blog therapy, I have also decided to fight for my own good, to make efforts in order to have a healthy life, which implies more physical exercises, a healthier diet and happier thoughts. Even if I can’t make all my dreams come true anymore, what is it that I still can do while living in this world? Something that is good and can contribute to the world?

One main thing that I really admire on Leo is his engagement to the environment issues, I can say that he is an inspiration for me too in that sense. I’ve always cared and loved nature myself, and I’ve always thought that we should take better care of our planet, which also means to take better care of all life.

We may not be as public a figure as Leo has become, but I do believe that each one of us can make our part. It can be small acts and start out simple, but when combined with everyone this can turn into a huge movement of change. I really do believe in that. That we can contribute, we can make a difference when united, we can change and make a better world. It seems too ideal, but it is also abiding by the precepts of some buddhist thinking I follow and if we only wait for others to change, that’s when we will move no further really.

So, what I can do in this modern setting of society is to share. I will continue posting some random thoughts, just because. But I would like to share good things. Good initiatives, good ideas, good vibes that can contribute even if only a little for this better life and world we all are looking for. This is the age of sharing, with social media and so much information available, so aren’t these the most propitious times for more and more people to be aware, to unite in good actions and to change the bad ways humans have been treating Earth so far?

Even if in small ways and small steps, I’d just like to share, only share good things.

 

Leo, you gotta let go

This was a few days ago. In one more of these imagined encounters.

I know this space here is for me to write without any kind of reservations and to my memory only (in the future I can read and remember “oh yes, there was a time I went through that”). But perhaps I should give it some context.

I wanted to have written here before this year, several times. I started out a post right after the Academy Awards, about how I have always imagined the awards alongside Leo, how it would be, he would take his mom and myself to the red carpet and we would also be sorrounded by rumours unconcrete – like Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were surrounded by rumours. However, in our case it would be truth, we would be secretly really together.

But this post was never finished. And neither did the other one about how I wondered on time travel, if I could go back in one moment of my life, what would I have done differently – lately it seems there are so many productions on that, series and films alike paying homage to Groundhog Day (1993)***. A contemplation that actually took me to an unexpected conclusion (it shouldn’t be unexpected, considering how many productions are out there to tell us this moral). I just got to terms that I realized I have actually lived at least part of everything I thought “oh, if only I could go back in time”… some things are inevitable, some things have to be lived, some things we can change, but in the end, it won’t matter that much. Or could it?

That being said, I guess now I can give you some context. These were just a few thoughts that crossed my mind for these past few months and one thing I also thought of was how Leo must have regretted not continued being with Gisele. I mean, there was a similar moment when both of them, in this 2019, talked about the Amazon, each on his/her own way. And I remember Gisele giving an interview while promoting her personal book, when she talked about the time she and Leo split up, that she wanted something else and kept moving. Well, nowadays they are both really serious talk on the environment issue, developing initiatives and raising awareness each on their own way. Sure, we wonder (and I dare to say Leo had wondered too) how great a couple, how perfect they would be if they were together, together fighting for the same cause for the bigger benefit of this world.

Also, I have to add that this thought of mine is an ellaboration due to having read things about how soulmates were supposed to be, and one point was that they were supposed to be better together and good for the world, basically.

But in our reality, Gisele went on to get married and have children, and she seems pretty happy this way. And by the line of girlfriends Leo had, all ex-Victoria Secret’s angels, top models, blonde… one could infer he was looking for the next Gisele on line (come on, admit it, you had thought about it), but never found it, and so, not so happy this way, I guess.

In the past, when I was so young and believed in all my dreams, in our imagined encounters I would say, “Leo, wait for me. We will find each other and we’ll be happy together, for the good of this world”. Then, after several years, crushed by this current timeline reality, when I finally resigned to the thought that I had no chances and in this life we wouldn’t be ever together, I’d say, “Leo, I only wish you be happy. Go on, get married, live life to the full”. I know I didn’t perform my part, I was supposed to be a brilliant scriptwriter, get into movies and be a good director, so then we could together inspire the world.

It never happened, but like I said, I did some of the things I would have wanted in case I got back in time, like taking a dubbing course, working surrounded by Disney thoughts, learning languages, taking film school classes, working with some editing and with something I believe it’s bringing something good to the world. Come to think of it, my life had not been that bad. And I was able to have friends and fall in love, and family problems, like any human being. Why should I want anything else, if this is the human experience?

I got married, because I believe that with this companion we can do good together. Even if it’s not the ideal. Deep down in my heart I always believed in my one true love, but I realized he would never choose me, never in this reality. It was always like that. I always did my best with whatever I got. Many times I had to “let go” of that perfect scenario, but I can say I was happy anyway. I had the courage to put myself out there and try, and have fun while doing it, enjoy it as much as it was possible, perhaps not with the best results, but with the right and most important essence, to keep believing in and promoting good.

So, to this most recent encounter, after knowing you for 25 years, what I say is “Leo, you gotta let go”.

 

A star is born – the musical girl scenario

This movie actually caught me off guard. Honestly. Bradley Cooper really did accomplish something special here, creating some beautiful scenes with the good use of lights and colors, a chemistry between the main characters we can feel to our skin, character development that move us even more because we know Cooper and Gaga are very acknowledged of fame in real life – all bringing us to inevitable tears.

Moreover, personally, it reminded me of my own musical girl scenario version. Like D would also sing, but very simple stuff, on ukulele, smoothly and sweet – as naturally it should be, since this is just her ways really. Small songs with an uplifiting message overall, videos with soft images of nature – and L would enjoy that for some reason. Surely, he wouldn’t fall for her only because of her musical talent, but the musicality would be part of their story’s charm.

And he would like this “natural” way of her being, just like Jack had fallen for this pure, poetic talent of Ally, which gradually faded away, along with his will of living. But in the case of L and D, this would have a happy ending, she would just remain true to her beliefs – as Jack said on the movie, otherwise you don’t have legs to keep going.

2018-astarisborn_scene

***

After they got back from their world trip, there was still the real final cut to be done, and this sort of post production editing part would be happening in LA for a few weeks or maybe months. D got settled in a small place, she didn’t want to buy a place because she intended to go back to Brazil after the project ended. Then, she got this place, had one of the walls painted in light green color, very clean, only a refrigerator, a table, a sofa bed, a display to watch movies, some colored cups… simple, practical, yet comfy. At the entrance of the building there was this bricked wall with flowers hanging, a square in the middle with a fountain, kind of like “Chuck’s”, that nerd show that she liked.

The first time Leo showed up at her door she was like, “What are you doin’ here?!”, because there was nothing to do there, but for some time he enjoyed hanging there, I guess he felt like a “normal” person, D could get pizza delivered at her door, no biggie, it seems stupid, but stuff like that, it was nice.

It was then that the  paparazzi started showing up.  And I gotta tell you, please don’t spread the word, but… Leo just grew very jealous. Like, okay, he was the one who introduced D to so many people. They got back and he couldn’t be too away from her, they were supposed to rest for more time, take some time off before continuing on the project, but to me, there was one single incident that got to him. It was a picture where they claimed that D should really be working miracles, because not only she got visited by Keanu Reeves, but also Elijah Wood and Mark Ruffalo. It was only one picture, man. One. Of Keanu leaving the place and walking around with her for coffee. And the supposed story of Elijah and Mark. Then, he goes there and he questions her, and she’s like “we were just jammin’ – cause you know, she plays some tunes. And to all the media, nobody knows who is this girl really, they all just think that she’s some sort of spiritual guru that Leo had hired to bring him some good vibes, work spiritually somehow. No-bo-dy knows. Because she doesn’t do interviews.

Oh, yeah, and there was also one time that Elijah was so excited about meeting her, he mentioned something like “imagine what’s to be married with this girl? Imagine what that would be like, you could hear her singing everyday!”. It’s kind of an over the top reaction, he just wanted to compliment. And her previous husband and her dressed up as John and Yoko, so imagine this, imagine that… Anyway. I’m telling you, man.

This really got to Leo. He might deny it, because after they [the paparazzi] found out that Leo also visited some times it became hell, and it was not so calm and nice to go there anymore. So he decided to take a temporary measure, he invited her to stay in the pool house, it would just be easier, they would be able to have more freedom to meet up and discuss the project, and work on the final cuts, without so much of this bothering them. But, to me, he just didn’t want any Keanu coming in and being all alone with her. She was his girl already, only he wouldn’t admit it.

Gisele and the perfect diet

The movie for today is “Taxi” (2004). Yesterday I was reading about Gisele and Tom Brady, and they were commenting on how crazy their diet is, but I actually think this would be a perfect diet. I mean, for the past few years I have been reading a lot about food and all because of diabetes, and suddenly, once more, I have proof of how perfect Gisele is.

I mean, I already thought she was perfect when Leo got together with her back then and I resignated myself to forgetting about Leo because, oh well, he just got the perfect Brazilian. Then she moved on to marry and have two kids, while she makes these commercials for SKY and she can play a myriad of characters without ever having to had acting classes – just the fun part. Some people are just born with a shining star, no? I mean, this is a life I  would like to have had. And on top of that, a healthy, the healthiest diet!

Then today that movie was on TV. Around the time for that shooting I guess she was still on and off Leo, sure I prefer Luc Besson, and she looks so skinny, but still seemed to have had a great deal of fun. And she is still the only girl to date that Leo has brought with him to an Academy Awards red carpet. And I remember that during the time of their relationship, I had read a few news here and there, it was so nice! Going to the Amazon – she is still a serious environmentalist (again, isn’t it just perfect, Leo?), and I totally get the idea of “Gisele and the green team”, haha.

Yeah, I know. Only a very few of the fewest privileged out there can be as perfect. And I’m not among them.

I know I can’t just stay home and eat all I like for the rest of my life. I gotta do something. I just wanted to have fun, but I’m not as lucky and perfect as Gisele. So I have missed many opportunities in my life and had to struggle a number of times with the choices I made. So, I gotta get up and do something out of my life now, and I don’t know what to do. And let’s face reality, I know that women for Leo is a blonde model or Victoria Secret angel, all the rest of the world do not exist for him, and I’m included in that rest of the world; I cannot just continue dreaming of him. Despite of all the dreams and sincere heartfelt scenes and encounters played somewhere in my mind’s universe.

So I didn’t do a bunch of things and it seems I keep repeating myself as for what I am going to do, while still stuck. Having always wanted to be the “chosen one” as in “Matrix” (2000), and having always preferred to say “I’m not the one”.

But… who is it that really said you’re not good enough? Who is the one that told you that you don’t deserve it?

Do we really need to be perfect? Have the perfect hair, the perfect family, the perfect career, the perfect diet? How many Giseles are out there, and what’s really wrong in not being one of them?

Why couldn’t Leo marry a short, dark-haired, sweet girl? Perhaps he would be even happier, who knows?

And how do you know it would work?

So I was thinking like that. I was thinking about how I am absolutely unapt to be married. How I’m making my husband miserable, by different reasons. One, I was supposed to be a stronghold as far as the spiritual path we are both on is concerned, but I now start to collapse, so where did that supportive companion of the spiritual journey go? Two, I have this disease, diabetes, and I was supposed to get my act together, be healthy and take care of myself, but then hits the uncertainty of everything and my non-willingness of doing anything. And so I am not able to provide for babies either at this time. As depression pushes me to rock bottom, I don’t really feel like having a  sexual life – which seems so unimportant to me at this moment, comparing to all the unseeable future ahead. I cannot decide what I want out of this life anymore, and so I guess we have three.

It was then that it hit me the question: what makes you think that it would work with Leo? Why in my distant dreams we would actually be a good couple, one of those Hollywood legends whose marriage lasts for 20 or more years, perhaps the whole life? What makes me believe that with him this scenario would work? Marriage and kids? Because I love him truly, is that it? That’s just it?

Because, honestly, I never thought like “oh, he’s rich. He’s famous, he’s powerful, he can get me anywhere I would like to go to in Holywood”. No, not really. In my imaginations I would be a simple hard-working girl still, with a minor job in the industry (that’s a lie, when I was about 16 I thought I would be a movie director, but all to my own credits, over my own good talent and sweat).

Never, really, never I thought I would make a name of myself because of him. I would have some brilliant ideas and efforts, and he would love me for that too, but it’s not like he would want me to be someone who I am not. As much as I would love him just the way he is, without one trying to change the other. Maybe that’s why in my mind we would work out together. Because we would be able to be truly ourselves around each other. Even with all our failures and weaknesses. Even if things changed and something didn’t work as we expected or we’d like it to have. We would love the true nature on one another, with mutual respect and care.

The type of lovers who could be side by side in silence for some time and it would be ok. We wouldn’t need to be anything else to each other, we would not expect each other to be something else.

And since I would love him so much, I would like to have his baby, and I would like to see us growing this new life together.

I guess I don’t really love my current partner purely like that. And then I think it would be better for him if we’d just split up. He would be free to find someone who would love him truly. For my part, I don’t think I would be out there, I would just conform myself with my only lonely self, and it’s ok, really, I guess some people are not really made for marriages – except if it was with that old soulmate of mine for whom I’ve been longing for my whole practical life, and it’s practically impossible to reach in this lifetime…

Just today I was watching this movie (“My George”) on TV, and the main character is a writer who just finally happens to get her first book published. It was one book that would change her life, and if I could choose to quit my job to write just one piece in this life, but it would be the piece that would bring him to me, my true love, oh boy, yeah I would throw everything away and write it.

How would that script be like?

Just yesterday

You hold me close

And I was able to fall into a deep sleep

 

In my mind it was a warm and cozy sunlight. And I know that just the other day I told you to get married and have kids and all that – because honestly you have achieved everything you could possibly want as career is concerned, or whatever your public position implies. But having looked up online my wish was to say, “no, please. do not. with this girl” – not that I would approve of any other girl, would I?

Sometimes I wish I didn’t get married. Perhaps it would’ve been better. I just came back this week from another trip to Japan. Despite of many commitments, I felt pretty alone. And maybe it would be best if I’d really be on my own. Not having to deal with or care about his family and friends, or his expectations.

I came back feeling as a failure. Again the sob sadness overtaking me. And here we are again, with this blog therapy.

I wish I could go back about 20 years in my life and do things differently. I wish I could have the courage to simply send it all to space – my job, this marriage. So many people talk about gratitude, about being grateful. If I had only fulfilled myself with gratitude, for being able to be alive in this world, relatively healthy, having a place to live and something to eat, if I would be completely empty of all the other negative feelings, I would probably not have been comparing myself to anybody else and thought less of me. I would probably had been able to become a spiritual guide. Even believed my dreams would be possible, even in our LD story.

This is the real training. Becoming empty of all the negativity and embracing all your possibilities in this world, being thankful for the life you’re given. Being humble to admit your own faults but not letting yourself linger, move on to enjoy the best qualities you have despite all that is lacking.

If I had done more of that in the past, maybe my life would’ve been different. But we can’t change the past. We can only build new futures. It was just yesterday. So, OK, what’s going to be like now, today?