The year of the dog

It’s the end of a Carnival holiday here in Brazil. While most people had a 5 day off to party out, I actually had 3 days off – which is actually good, considering I’ve been feeling I can’t rest much, since months ago. Well, this is a problem, actually. I take days off, but I don’t feel rested, do you know? I don’t feel relief.

Instead, I get anxious about all the workload I will have when I come back, and that horrible feeling of not wanting to go to bed so I won’t have to wake up to another day and have to go back to work.

These past weeks I have been thinking about my past, this February we had a traditional celebration to toss “beans” as a symbol of bringing in good fortune for the year, and those who threw the beans were of the year of the Dog, according to the Chinese zodiac. Well, I am of the year of the Dog, and so it happens that from 12 to 12 years, it’s “my year”. So I was thinking back. Like, when I was 12 years old, how was it? My life, I mean. And at 24? I’ll be 36 this year and it should be a good year, if I am to compare.

At 12 years-old, I fell in love for the first time. Also, it was the year I changed schools, I “met” Leo for the first time. What else? I don’t know why, but I have the heart-memory that it was a good year. Then, in 2006, I started out in Disney World (I was working there at the time), the fireworks were beautiful. I got a new boyfriend, and I really thought he was the one. I thought I would have to go to Japan, but fortunately I got a new job, in a field I was expecting to find work (translation, at the time). I went to Japan. It was a nice year.

Now… Ellen DeGeneres is 60, oh my. I once believed I was going to make movies with Spielberg, but he’s old too. And so am I.

Oh, yes, I’ve read about your new model and the DaVinci movie. That’s nice. The DaVinci movie, I mean.

Last week I made a small trip and I had one of those L&D moments. I also watched a movie, Hungarian contender this year for the Academy Awards, called “On body and soul”. I once had a thought for a movie that it was like that: two strangers having the same dream. Of course, my story would play out differently than it was this one. But I guess, in that hotel room, that morning, I just remembered I would still like to do a movie about this.

This year I’ll be 36 and not at all where I dreamed I would be at. I would be having kids by now. I would have won Oscars by now. So at which point of my past would I return and change it all? This morning I was wondering.

However, I can’t change the past, and this is the life I have now.

At 12, I was at a new school, I found an important love for my life. At 24, I was at a new job, I found an important love for my life. This is the year of the dog. It should bring changes, it should be good for my love life. Well? How is it going to be? I guess it depends on me. It depended on me to live love. To go and not be afraid of the challenges, get some things new into my life. Let’s see.

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Still about “Coco”

I was suddenly writing a song today and now at the evening I was thinking of “Coco” (2017)**** again. It’s such a colorful movie, it deals with traditions and ancestors, respecting memory and the elderly, it’s a thrilling joy to follow the journey of that little boy Miguel.

And he loves music so much, it’s just part of him. I once had big dreams too, and I was so sure of what made me happy, like Miguel I would probably go until the land of the dead if necessary, would do anything to find the person who would grant me the freedom to do whatever I wanted, what I really wanted of my life.

Lately, I’ve been moving on to some other thing I really always wanted to have more in my life: music. Perhaps, as I said before somewhere, some time, a new sparkle, to keep going.

Obviously I should have done that when I was in my twenties, I should have continued the theater classes and made my way to dubbing. But I guess music is something never too late, for anybody? And it’s not like I’m aiming to be a professional, or have a million dollars or a million likes. No, not at all. It’s just to soothe my soul, that has been wandering and floating for so long in less than a wishful thinking.

On another blog I was reading about how many people spend their lives not knowing what they want. That se should be bold and strong if we knew what we love or makes our hearts… sing?

It’s Sunday afternoon

It’s Sunday afternoon and I’ve asked for a day off today. I had a pretty full month of December, then we started out this period of training (and we’re still in the middle period), then I had two days off. But I still wanted more. In fact, I wanted everyday to be a Sunday afternoon.

The Academy Awards nominees were announced last Jan. 23 and I’ve began my annual routine of trying to watch all the movies at least nominated for best picture. Why do I still do this? Why do I do it at all? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the time of the year when I will most certainly watch films that are good, with some rare exception, and I’ll be forgetting a little about my petty life.

And maybe I could even wonder about the movies I myself could make, or help to see it through. Yesterday I went for “Coco” which is just a sweet thing and I was wondering today that I would be happy, even if it was a job only to paint a little part of one sequence of this amazing movie. I think I’m getting old and more and more I want less. Like, I really would be happy just doing that. When I was on my twenties, I would probably want to do this and that movie, I would want to change the world. Now? I could only be a part of this great universe and do something simple and just content myself with this.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons I still wanna quit my current job. It’s too much psychological pressure, it’s such a responsibility and so much we should respond to, it’s so many headaches and hurt pride, and embarrassment and feelings of being a weak person – like a very bad episode of “Black Mirror”. That feeling.

Now, at this point of my life, I just wanted it simpler. I could sell coconut water at the beach and that would be ok.

I was also reading today about this family who lives with almost no generation of garbage, and that would be so great! Less consumption, less damage to the planet, a simpler way of life. I wanted that too.

I honestly think that we human beings had complicated it too much. Do we really need to work that much? Do we really need to be so fast and furious? Why can’t we just live healthly?

For the past 8 years I almost had no free Sundays. How would it be my Sunday, even if I was living with Leo? I would probably want to lazily wake up to the sun, have a walk outside, write a friend or two, have coconut water, read something good, write a little, play some ukulele, play with the pets, hug my partner, say hi to my mom, have a tasty dinner, watch a nice movie, take a nice shower, breathe in deeply with satisfaction and go to bed.

How can I reach everyday Sunday?

Low maintenance

So December was a month with a load of work, hardly any time to rest, I couldn’t get a break. In came 2018, and only now when I have time to stop and breathe in and out… do my resolutions continue to be the same as the previous few years? Let’s see.

Well, last year I was able to finish off a debt relating to that last university course I took (and did only half of it), which was mainly my number one and only goal. So, for this year, I was thinking in one big goal which is… play the ukulele. I know, it seems so easy and trivial, but I’ve been postponing it for some time already and I’ve always wanted to play an instrument, I need to have a new hobbie in my life and it may also help me when I’m down and depressed. By the end of December I’ve watched this swell movie, Sing Street, by John Carney, and I’ve renewed the wish to include more music in my life.

I actually like the thought that I could live by the beach, have more coconut water and fish in my diet (which are very good for a diabetic diet), maybe open a place and sing to guests once in a while. This is actually my retirement thoughts, but… oh, I wish I could trade my current life.

Yeah, another goal for my life this year is to lower the glucose level in my blood, keep it stable – and that is only possible with a controlled diet and some physical exercises.

In my imagined reality with L, one of his friends would actually call me a low maintenance girl. Asked by a curious reporter or journalist, he would describe me as a “spiritual guide”, and that I have not many material attachments. Like I don’t care about brands, expensive cars or fashion items. I wouldn’t wear much jewelry, and I would prefer to live in a small place, which would be easier to clean up. I would wear simple, organic or recycled clothes, and I wouldn’t need many different clothes, accessories, I wouldn’t wear makeup and neither would I need hair products.

So it’s not like Leo would spend too much on me, however, he would have offered me enough so I didn’t need to work with whatever just for keeps, enough to live the rest of my (low maintenance) life, that is, an opportunity to finally be free to do what I really wanted. In turn, I would help out making him having a more fulfilling life, to be more content.

Yesterday I’ve just lent an amount to my parents, who seem to be always in debt. But it’s ok, this year I will wear simple clothes, study at home, exercise at home, learn how to play the uke by YouTube videos, eat more vegetables and fruits (less fast food and restaurants), and gather money for a trip. What else?

Come to think of it, I still got like 25 years before retirement… I mean I never wanted to live that much, but let’s say I’ve got about that. When I was 20 years-old, I was so sure, so certain of what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. It’s very weird to now don’t know anything. I don’t know if I really want to be married and have kids. I’ve never wanted that, like many girls dream of. But I don’t know really what the next step is going to be. What can 2018 bring to me? Can I quit that job finally and move on to the next part of my life? Let’s stick with the ukulele for now.

Hugh Hefner successor

L- Are you f*cking kidding me? What the hell…

D- Why not? Think about it. You love the supermodels, you got money, fame, prestige, power… hmmm what else?

L- Budies?

D- Yeah, your boys. They would actually love that. Fancy parties, closed parties. Like that journalist wrote about his experience in one of Hefner’s parties, journalists also would be invited.

L- C’mon, D.

D- What? You would be the perfect person for that.

L- Do you really think I’m like that?

D- Oh, why not. You’re a man, you’re alive, you’re just enjoying life, right?

L- Why do I have the feeling that you’re actually just trying to make a point?

D- What’s the point, Leo? What’s the point of dating one beautiful young girl after another? As human beings we just have to accept that all of us get old, sick, eventually die.

L- Do you think this is it? The desire to be young forever? Was that so for Hefner, is that so for me?

D- This is also part of the buddhist teachings, that’s all I’m saying. To understand the human condition. To be able to detach from certain things is to be free from the suffering these attachments may cause. It’s ok to get old.

L- Do you think that’s why I party? I just like parties, why is that a problem?

D- I’m not saying it’s a problem. You deserve to be happy. But some things in this world are just temporary joy, it doesn’t last. And I want you to find true happiness, the everlasting happiness. So even after the party, you don’t feel like crap. And even when you feel like crap, it’s ok. True happiness is find joy even in face of bad or challenging situations. But we will get back to that some other day.

Main characters

D- But you had done that. It’s called “Before the flood”

L- Really? And it would be exactly like that?

D- Well, pretty much similar, yeah.

L- And you would go to the far corners of the world… you would go to the North Pole?

D- Baby, I would go to the North, the South, anywhere with you… what do you think I am? I’m not one of these gals just to go along with to… oh, ok, probably I wouldn’t go partying with you, I wouldn’t do the club scene.

L- whoa. Ok. But, then… so it would be, huh?

D- that’s right. We would be great. And nobody in the world would have a clue. They all would think I was only an assistant… or a type of consultant, your guru.

L- wow, guru! Ok. You do realize that Kate has married 3 times?

D- so?

L- well, then… you could marry like… 2 times.

D- (smile) Right.

L- yeah, we can do that.

D- Ok. We can try that, and if it doesn’t work into the story for any reason, somehow, we can try something else.

L- right. So… when we meet, I mean, D and Lenny. Lenny Wills? Lenny Williams?

D- sure! I like that. Obviously we would have a much more compatible numerology, but… Lenny Williams is a very significant name, it’s like a wink. To your fans, to those who know your history.

L- how about her? What’s gonna be her name? D-what? You can’t use your real name.

D- how about Daisy? I like that. The flowers. I like this idea since “You’ve got mail”.

L- because I used to like Meg Ryan?

D- used to?

L- Daisy is good for me. For now.

Soulmates?

L- Why would we be soulmates?

D- Because we would do things together, and together we would do things that are good for this world. Have you ever heard of that saying, that we are spiritual beings having a human experience?

L- Do you believe in that?

D- I do. Why not? Why limit ourselves to thinking that we are here and that this all there is? Why can’t we imagine there is something so bigger and more vast than our little selves? That we can exist in another way, in another type of life? And if everything is really just this, here, then… well, there was no harm in imagining something else.

L- This is your story? Is this your story?

D- Two souls that meet in a cosmic space struggling to find each other in this physical world.

L- Well, if you think about it, “Your name” was sort of like that.

D- Yeah. But I had the idea way, waaay back. And, of course, it would be played differently.

L- Of course.